Prescription for Disaster

Saturday, 9 May 2015

I need a nursing degree to put my twins to bed. And a HAZMAT suit.

I worry that we are getting close to a 'serious talking to' from the school nurse.

I don't know what happened to my kids this week, but the twins (despite being only 4, and girls) are covered in bruises, cuts, gashes and excessive bandaging. 

Like they've been in some sort of cock fight.

It started innocently enough - one coming home from school with a band-aid on her arm (field hockey) and the other having to outdo her sister the next day by coming home with a bandage / knee brace (football). The next few days came with bruises (tree), scratches (as of yet unexplained) and a mild concussion (coloring). 

And then it got worse. 

On Thursday morning we were late for school as I'd spent 20 minutes at the pharmacy first stocking an epic first aid kit, then patching Twin A back together in parking lot before bringing her into her class like a victim of war.

She had learned what happens when you are holding a very large cat and then turn on the hair dryer.

I'm sure the blood stains on the sheets will bleach out.

Over the weekend, Twin B's scraped up knee seemed to have gotten infected (with playdoh), and it was re-opened when she ran body-first into the bathroom door. This drew more blood and elicited sheer hysterics, claiming that she could genuinely see her skeleton through the hole in her knee.

Okay, fine. Time for bed guys, up you go.

Twin B is sobbing and needs to be hoisted up to her bed, her bleeding knee completely immobilized by dramatics. Okay, fine. Got her up there and started cleaning her up. Twin A came in clutching her hip - sent her to the loo and saw that she had some sort of hive-like rash all over her hips and pelvis.

What? Okay, come here, let me cream you up with some steroid stuff from your doctor. Layer 1 applied and an antihistamine given. With hives like that it's best to sleep commando tonight honey. No you can't wear tights to bed instead. What do you mean you haven't pooped in 3 days???

Okay. Here's a bit of mummy's fast-acting Senna. Just a small dose. You'll be fine. Back across the room to spray Twin B's knee with iodine

Let the screams settle while I applied layer 2 of steroid cream to pelvis and hips of Twin A. Back to Twin B to apply the almighty 'cream' (Sudocrem. It's our Greek Windex)

and wrap up her knee in a neat, well-practiced surgical dressing. She now can't (refuses) use the knee. Awesome. Back to check on Twin A, who is still complaining of tummy pains. Well, the senna should take care of that sweetie, don't worry. Here's a towel to sleep on-  oh look! Mummy's new pink towel, just in case. Checked that Twin B is now fine, cleaned, bandaged, tucked in and ready for bed, just as I remembered that Twin A's Maine Coon cat gashes on her arm need to have the bandages removed, cleaned and aired out for the night. 

Cue more hysterics and screaming, flopping child.

By this time I had broken a serious sweat, sudocremed her arm from wrist to shoulder and turned to find an inconsolable, sobbing Twin B.

She doesn't get to sleep on a towel, it isn't fair.

Sigh. Deep conversation with Twin B about the possibility of Twin A having had so much senna that she may very well shoot out of her bed and across the room like a flaming rocket, which necessitates the towel. Back to Twin A to tuck her in,3rd layer of steroid cream and-


Oh holy hell. I finally escaped the med-zone that was my children's bedroom to relax downstairs while Paul went out to buy laundry detergent (we were out). All was good. All was quiet. All was calm.

And then Paul got home, checked on the kids and found Twin A standing up in bed, pointing down at the 'accident'she'd had the size of a small housecat in the middle of the towel on her bed.

Thank God Paul had brought home washing powder. My only other option was to just light the laundry room on fire.

Sigh. I don't think you necessarily NEED a nursing degree to be a parent - but it certainly would help.


  1. I certainly think that a nurse's degree, a teacher's degree, a cooking degree, a taxicab license, and more are NEEDED with kids that don't come with intructions !!!!!

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