tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86300639040821715822024-03-13T13:44:15.459-07:00Notes for my Children's TherapistIn an effort to save their future therapist time, I'll just write it all down here as we go.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.comBlogger89125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-31336131384561182882015-10-27T13:07:00.003-07:002015-10-27T14:31:18.731-07:00The Haunting...and why I won't sleep for the next year<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I actually didn't find this one at all funny, which is weird, because I find <i>everything</i> funny.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It started out with a very normal (for us) family adventure in which we all got in the car and kind of aimed for somewhere 3 hours away, Galway, on the other side of Ireland. Why not? We hadn't been there before and our random family adventures are always pretty memorable.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We did as we usually do, picked up a map and circled the stuff that looked good, planning a circular route and heading out with the set plan of just finding cool, off the beaten path kind of stuff (as usual). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We were aiming for the Cliffs of Moher:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and figured we would do it in the most roundabout way possible, stopping at old stone churches, farmsteads, cheese caves and bird shows (we love random!) - and our favourite pastime of seeing something cool off in the distance and heading in that general direction to find it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We did, seeing a great monolith of a tower off on the sea in the distance, winding our way over to find that it was an old castle once owned by the Lachlyn family (so cool! We found Lochie's castle!)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This was very cool, and I got out to investigate and see what the other side looked like. I was nearly round the corner when I heard a growl and saw a blur rushing at me through the bushes - oh holy crap, omg, oh my-</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh! It's a little jack russell terrier! Awww, how cu-</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ow! WTF?! That little bastard BIT ME! Ow! Fuck, stop it! Paul! PAAAAAAAUUUULLLLLL!!!!!!!!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I put on my best Ceasar Milan Pack Leader image and projected fierce alpha forces toward the attacking dog, walking forward with purpose and authority.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Which at least turned his bites to nips - so it helped a little.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">An old Irish man came to our rescue, shooing away miniature Cujo there and telling us a bit about the castle ruins. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He was a friendly old guy, very lovely, very Irish, and he told us that if we wanted to see a castle of the same sort (given to the family by King Henry himself), there was a proper one just down the road a ways.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Of <i>course</i> we wanted to see it!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He then gave us typical Irish directions:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In a way that really, only the Irish can.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alright. After having had the guy repeat his directions three (3) times we were back in the car and off in search of a cattle gate, a holy well (at which we turn left shortly thereafter) and a tea shop titled 'the tea intersection' that was situated at a Y intersection, at which point we were then due to turn slightly right.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We followed his directions, somewhat puzzled by the distinct lack of signage to a fully formed castle tower, as other heritage sites in Ireland are littered with signage, fanfare and associated cheese shops.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The road became a tad small.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A little weird, but we end up on sheep and goat trails pretty often with our brand of family fun, so it didn't seem too unusual.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It got a bit more secluded into the backwoods...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">with still not a sign or a person or a house or even a cow to be seen (and that was starting to get a little weird, but hey - ah well. We must be close.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We wound our way around and down the lane slowly until we turned a corner and there it was.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It looked <i>really </i>cool -even from inside the car. We got out and carefully climbed over the side part of the fence - the lock on the rusted gate looked as though it hadn't been opened in ages. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We chatted as we walked toward it over the rough, torn up chunks of sod, like when horses run through a wet field and tear it up in chunks - or cows, but there were no cows to be seen and although the tracks looked pretty fresh the grass certainly hadn't been eaten. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Weird. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We hiked up closer to it-</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">somehow noticing the silence more than usual. For a place like this it was strange to see no birds or rabbits, no cows in the neighboring fields and no locals walking their dogs. It was just... quiet. Like nobody had been there in a very long time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To the left of us was a holy well, once used for baptisms of some sort.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and with ragged, wind-torn cloths tied to the dying branches on the tree above it. We came closer to the well to check it out, but it was a dark, silent pit.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There was no sound coming from it, no sound of running water, no dripping sounds, no echos of wind rustling through... nothing. Just dead quiet, unsettling enough to make us all back up a few steps. Paul and I looked at each other - usually ready to explore, neither of us had any inclination to go closer for a look inside.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We retreated, backwards with a weary eye on the well, back toward the tower.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Did you hear that?" I asked Paul, pointing toward the tower - the source of a soft banging sound up high. Almost like a clang. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He'd heard it, but from another direction, away from the tower.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There was just something... off... about this place. Something wrong. It didn't feel right, and we were all a bit on edge. Kaitlynn didn't like it at all, and gripped my hand, asking me if we could go back to the car. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sure sweetie, let's head back together. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lochie and Paul stayed back a bit, together, but trying to see around the tower to the slowly lapping waves on the other side. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kaitlynn and I kept going, back toward the car. She held my hand tightly as we walked back over the patches of torn up grass. I heard talking up ahead of us in the trees, a young boy and his father crashing through the woods toward us at a slow, steady pace. Relieved, I scanned the woods, happy to encounter other people at this place - but nobody came through the trees. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I remembered my time spent on a native Canadian reserve with Katimavik when I was younger - that when hunting in the quiet Natives would draw their bows, blur their eyesight and let their vision naturally jolt to the next movement within their field of sight - it was how they were able to see animals moving while hiding, and was their best way of seeing something that didn't belong.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anxious to find the source of the voices, I did the same - relaxing my vision and gazing out at the woods - brought out of it by the sound of whispering at my side. Kaitlynn was gripping my hand as we stood there watching, waiting, and she was whispering. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Kaitie, honey, you need to be a bit louder. I can't hear you very well."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No response. She just kept whispering and staring, like me, at the woods. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Kaitlyn, speak up honey. What are you saying?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Still whispering. I could make it out now, she was repeating over and over that she wanted to get back in the car, still at a constant, looping, whisper. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The voices were getting closer - definitely a man speaking with a young boy - I turned around to see if Paul and Lochie were talking, but they weren't. They were both silent, holding hands and carefully walking toward the car from a few yards behind us as well. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They caught up with us at the gate, the four of us going over the loose stones together - we got the kids straight into the car when my phone rang, a call I had to take, staying outside the car while Paul and the girls got themselves sorted.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Something just wasn't right, and Paul unrolled the passenger side window, calling me back into the car with a sense of urgency he had never before displayed. The hairs on my arms standing straight up I hung up the phone and got into the car - Paul pulling away and toward the lane before my door had even closed. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">None of us spoke until we had gotten back to the main road - we had nothing to say. None of us could articulate our feelings, what we had heard and what we had felt. I couldn't take it, and broke the silence.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Kaitie, honey, how come you were whispering to me as we walked back to the car there? What were you saying?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"No I wasn't."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Yes you were, honey. You were whispering the whole time we were walking back to the car."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I don't remember walking back to the car."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You couldn't pay us to go back there. Any of us.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ever.</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-44134230936572723862015-09-22T10:28:00.000-07:002015-09-22T10:39:42.558-07:00The Kayaking Incident - some major corporate leaders owe me big time<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://img.memecdn.com/go-kayaking-they-said_o_292922.jpg" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Clearly I'm not a watersports kind of girl.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">CLEARLY.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm now doing my Executive MBA with Trinity College Dublin - a prestigious university known for attracting leaders of industry and corporate high-flyers. I kind of snuck in there with all of my China connections and experience (whew!) but the course so far is going well.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We had our induction week in County Mayo at a Water College called something in Irish I absolutely cannot pronounce. Or spell. It was roughly about here:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In which there was not only no signal at all but signal and wifi BLOCKERS, so for three straight days our group of 40 Type A personality complete strangers all had to speak to each other while inconspicuously trying to suss each other out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We had fun spending three days listening to lectures about corporate social responsibility and building go-karts, rounding off with a final afternoon of:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sea Kayaking.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the sea. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Atlantic Sea.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is pretty much what was going through my head:</span></div>
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<img src="http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/89000/Sea-Monster-Eating-Beach-Joggers--89078.jpg" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But, not about to be thought of as a pansy in front of these esteemed leaders of banks, doctors, lawyers, stock brokers and CEO's, I suited up and went down to the beach, convincing myself that we would be going no more than 5 ft from shore, surely.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We arrived down to about 30 kayaks for 40 people and I, having never kayaked before in my life, was assigned a three person 'Canadian' kayak (how ironic) with an electrical engineer in the back, a business analyst girl in the middle (who couldn't swim and was terrified of the water) and me squished in the front.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was in an oddly sat-up position with my feet planted at the front of the kayak, my knees straight up and my bum in a teeny tiny groove - nowhere to rest my lower back. This couldn't be normal, but I wasn't about to make a fuss in front of all of these esteemed business professionals.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They don't yet know how weird I am and I wasn't about to broadcast it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, having not done a sit up in the last 4 years there I was, in a perma-sit up of grimacing pain I drifted out to sea on a long yellow plastic kayak with two other people, one of them already crying. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We were off! We were gliding! We were cutting through the water and riding the waves we were-</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY ELSE???!!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is when I truly got a taste of my own medicine (remind me to tell you guys sometime about the time with my mother in Jamaica with the shark. And the time in Hawaii also with the shark) and the girl in the middle started properly freaking out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She was shaking so hard my teeth were chattering. She was crying to go back to the shore and staring down at the water below looking for sharks and demanding to know what everything was.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"It's okay" I said, trying to soothe her with a bit of empathy, "I'm scared too. That stuff is just patches of seaweed though - nothing to worry about."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"What about that?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />"More seaweed."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"What about those dark shapes?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"WHAT DARK SHAPES!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She started screaming and I started paddling like crazy for shore - the engineer in the back somehow completely oblivious to all of this in his tiny little boat. She was really freaking out now, and if she tipped the kayak I would just about die.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So we were the first to signal (and scream) for the rescue boat, which came up beside us and took off the girl in the middle (nearly tipping us over in the process despite me clinging to the side of the rescue boat like a traumatized koala. Taking off two would unbalance the kayak, I'd have to stay on. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay, okay. I can do this. Especially in front of all of these esteemed business professionals. Am totally not going to freak out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">AM TOTALLY NOT GOING TO FREAK OUT</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay, my non-existant abs were in desperate need of a break. I was actually crying. I found a little rope thing by my feet and hung on with my hands, giving my stomach a much needed breather.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay, this was fine. This was kind of nice. We were still a little bit far out but some people were farther than us and they seemed okay. The sharks would probably eat them first, and I am just going to sit here hanging onto this string, bobbing up and down in the water and-</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HOLY CRAP WHAT?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Two people behind us had overturned their kayak and were in the freezing water - their boat and paddles going one way and them going another. They were screaming and we were the only people around. Obviously engineer and I swung into action:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"We're coming! WE'RE COMING! HANG ON TO EACH OTHER! WE ARE COMING TO GET YOUUUUUUU!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We paddled like maniacs toward them but they kept going faster out to sea. Oh god, this was harder than I thought. They kept screaming for us and our arms were like windmills paddling that stupid kayak out farther and farther into giant squid territory - AND WHERE THE HELL WAS THAT BLOODY RESCUE BOAT?!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We finally got to them, completely winded as they hung on to the back of our long-ass kayak and I bobbed up and down holding onto that string again for fear my stomach muscles would burst out out of my stomach, reach up and slap me like the thing from Total Recall.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh God, it burned. It burned so badly - and they were still in the water and so cold - we had to get them to shore. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Seriously. Where the F&C% was that rescue boat!?!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay, okay. Just keep paddling. It's not about me, it's about the people in the water hanging on to my boat for dear life. Just breathe through the pain.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay, we were doing okay. We were all going to be just fine, we were feeling the drag from these two but we were still making it toward the shore, we were even getting close to some of the other kayakers. They could help, it would be totally fine. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"eeeeeeEEEEEEAAAAAUUUUGHHHHHHH!" came a scream from behind-</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"What?! What?!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Something touched my leg! Something touched my leg!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"WHAT???"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We went into SERIOUS OVERDRIVE! The engineer and I were paddling like Satan was behind us, the two in the water were kicking with renewed energy and all four of us were screaming for the rescue boat like we were about to be swallowed by Jaws:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The rescue boat finally got to us (that f&c%£r) and hauled our hypothermic cargo-two on board as I guarded the water with my paddle. I was ready to take on that bastard if he tried to pop up on me</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And of course, couldn't put me in the rescue boat as it would unbalance the stupid kayak. Alright. alright. With a wary eye still to the deep, dark water and holding on again to the string thing for dear life to rest my bleeding abs I took a deep breath, assured the engineer that I was okay and off we went, gliding again toward shore until</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">SPLASH!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">More screams for help, another kayak turned over and was drifting away without its' passengers - and we were <i>again</i> the only ones near enough to help.</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-6245944992185454962015-07-24T09:42:00.000-07:002015-07-24T09:42:33.790-07:00Dirty Immigrants Need Not Fly (apparently)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihnTVgqn1dsIn81taJR6kzCx7z2THUpmd8NKzFmT-508cOq3lGSBKOsHW4zZ0-aZaR9H-GDeli4HL9abOyuFXm84wiFGkAIRcq-CTbQKt4UTI_mL1XPRoPArw8-0TyX1esi0FTBDKe_G4/s1600/little_upset.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihnTVgqn1dsIn81taJR6kzCx7z2THUpmd8NKzFmT-508cOq3lGSBKOsHW4zZ0-aZaR9H-GDeli4HL9abOyuFXm84wiFGkAIRcq-CTbQKt4UTI_mL1XPRoPArw8-0TyX1esi0FTBDKe_G4/s320/little_upset.jpg" width="258" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was assaulted by an old lady today - and it <i>may</i> have been a hate crime. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well then. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have to compliment British Airways for their incredibly accommodating (and patient) staff.at London City Airport - kudos and many thanks for sorting me out today. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJJOM-tXGnbzCy7WG97s2iaV9LV-d3NBumP0ujr2CIqjpYE0M3zjDrXBnB7PRv4V44PX1YXNabvdTDXstxmalyiQubW_GhsIdUpHU50ctAT7tt8P0iZoFvzCGxL-X75yh9Nhsk3mIGVow/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJJOM-tXGnbzCy7WG97s2iaV9LV-d3NBumP0ujr2CIqjpYE0M3zjDrXBnB7PRv4V44PX1YXNabvdTDXstxmalyiQubW_GhsIdUpHU50ctAT7tt8P0iZoFvzCGxL-X75yh9Nhsk3mIGVow/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After another round of infusions in London I was due to fly back to Dublin later this evening, as usual. As luck would have it though, my infusions finished very early (no crazies on the ward today delaying things) and, feeling pretty rough, I went to the airport about 5 hours early for my flight in the hopes that I could get on an earlier plane (do people still do this?).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Looking a bit like death warmed over, with my arm bandaged from the cannula stabbings earlier in the day and my hospital wristband still on I shuffled over to the check-in counter, explaining my plight and asking if I could possibly get onto an earlier flight. I was kindly directed to Customer Service (just behind me) and off I went, politely waiting for the two agents to finish dealing with the person in front of me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was called forward, opened my mouth to speak and then just saw a blur of yellow - an older British man in a bright yellow polo shirt had run to the BA counter, barged in front of me and started screaming - and he was travelling with a banshee. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">His wife, a short, angry British woman hauling two massive suitcases on a trolley, was LOSING HER BRAIN at her husband, at the customer service agents and at ME!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She was just screaming about the gross incompetence of the airport staff and security - she had forgotten to take one of her bags off of the luggage collection belt and hadn't realized until she had already left security, and then security wouldn't let her back in to get it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She was absolutely LIVID and shouting at the customer service agents like it was somehow their fault - her husband was yelling at her to calm down and he's never travelling with her again, she's screaming about how they just got back from Malaga and her glasses are in there <i>and some thief is going to nick her glasses</i> if she can't get back in there-</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The customer service agents told her that they would help her after they were finished with me (who was hanging onto the counter for support) when she saw my Canadian passport on the counter, <i>rammed me with her overloaded luggage trolley until I was out of the way and on my knees</i> and screamed (I kid you not):</span><br />
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"I'M <i>BRITISH</i> YOU SHOULD BE HELPING ME <i>FIRST</i> BEFORE SOME <i>FOREIGNER</i>!"<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The agents jumped to their feet to see if I was okay as I kind of gripped the customer service counter and hauled myself back up - the woman (with <i>no</i> concern over me) now in a heated match with the customer service agents and her husband about airport security being called, and <i>not</i> for them to help her find her bag. More so to take her away and test her for drugs. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They then stood on either side of me as I gripped the counter while they changed my ticket, the two of them shouting and screaming at each other with me stuck in between. One would lean around my front and scream while the other around my back and so on - I couldn't even speak to the agents as whenever I opened my mouth the irate, tanned British woman opened hers to berate the customer service agents even more and go on about the plight of her glasses. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I finally stood up tall, glared at this little bulldog of a woman and snapped at her to go join her husband on the other side and leave me the hell out of this. That unleashed a tirade of fury and security was called, causing the two of them to scamper off to call the police on <i>the customer service agents</i> for not helping them.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh holy hell.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My ticket now being kindly changed to an earlier flight with disability assistance, I was directed to the 'priority assistance waiting area' just around the corner to sit down, regroup and wait for the wheelchair porter to take me through security. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I got there the entire area of 6 priority waiting seats, surrounded by a priority boarding partition and covered by signs stating that this area was specifically for 'those awaiting scheduled assistance, persons who are disabled or unable to stand' - it was fully taken by an African couple repacking their 4 large suitcases all over the 6 priority waiting seats and yelling into their mobile phones. I shuffled over, interrupting her phone argument, politely pointed out the signs above, around and ON the chairs and told her that I was here to wait for a wheelchair, could she please move some of her things so I can sit down.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She said no, and for good measure dumped MORE of her belongings onto all of the chairs. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I sat on the floor and leaned against the rubbish bin until the porter got there a few minutes later, at which point the angry unpacking woman shouted to the porter that I wasn't even disabled, I just wanted to get through security faster </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hate people sometimes.</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-65229492411733650732015-06-08T17:07:00.000-07:002015-06-08T17:07:42.419-07:00The Funeral<div style="text-align: center;">
<img height="400" 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" 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Okay everybody-</div>
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<img height="400" src="http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/83/83dcd336ee0b98efd8eff249a68c3a2ac1bf2409efa60384c8fbe0af40b7f1e9.jpg" width="266" /></div>
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If anybody else dies... I've got a guy.</div>
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I remember going to funerals as a kid (though not like, living in a Tornado belt kind of often), and never really grasping them. I'd dress in black and be sad, not really understand what was happening or have the remotest clue how this all magically comes together, we'd go to someone's house for juice and God help you if you cracked a smile over anything. </div>
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It was just kind of a ritual that I accepted without question - dress in black. Be sad. Exude sadness. Drink juice. Repeat every once in a while.</div>
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And then suddenly at the age of 34 I had to plan one. In another country.</div>
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For my dad.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEUA8N1rXS9-8lmHrbTwnw394Qoe-IQYSqCszhRCxfvhmz2xi5NB2TCAtExnYSid_zw-f137F-ZHzNW0tx65HOJB9qY4ofMwk7zxrG13pJAWiG4MTMCgw1mW3H2sxDcOwO-0Nw3qnarBo/s1600/Dad%2527s+cover+picture.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEUA8N1rXS9-8lmHrbTwnw394Qoe-IQYSqCszhRCxfvhmz2xi5NB2TCAtExnYSid_zw-f137F-ZHzNW0tx65HOJB9qY4ofMwk7zxrG13pJAWiG4MTMCgw1mW3H2sxDcOwO-0Nw3qnarBo/s400/Dad%2527s+cover+picture.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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It was pretty unexpected and out of the blue- we'd just gotten home with friends from Norway/America and Brazil at our place in Ireland (it was like a mini UN convention in my living room) late on Saturday night when I got a message from a distant aunt, asking me to call my grandmother. </div>
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That's never a good sign.</div>
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However, my grandmother's (bless her!) delivery was a little off:</div>
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'Hi Grandma! You were looking for me?'</div>
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"Oh Candace! Yes! Don't worry. Everything is fine. I'm fine, Grandpa's fine... but your dad not so much.'</div>
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My dad lived a very stressful, very difficult life- and the result of this was that he died of a heart attack at the age of 52, prompting my first trip back to Canada in over 4 years.</div>
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I vaguely remember telling the family something along the lines of </div>
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'Don't worry, I'll handle it'<br /><br />And then my life went completely buck-wild for about 3 days that involved flying across the world with the twins and my life becoming a flurry of arrangements and timbits, Paul and I carting the sleeping twins from house to car to house to car to house as there was just.. no time. </div>
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We were in Canada for a single week, and in that time had to plan a funeral, make all of the arrangements for my father's affairs, make sure that his family would be okay, possibly take a new driving test (?!) and then fly back in time for my inevitable medical meltdown.</div>
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Okay. It's okay. I've got this. Paul pat my back and sent me into the ring.</div>
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In I went, it didn't matter if I was okay - I was a mom, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a daughter- and if this was to be my dad's last hurrah I was going to be the best damn representative of him to the rest of the world that somehow kept turning without him.</div>
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<img src="https://kahootshq.files.wordpress.com/2015/01/ive-got-the-power.gif" /></div>
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I relied on my incredible friends, women in Australia, the US, the Netherlands and England were sending me links and lists on what to do for a death in Canada for me to read on the plane. Crisis talks were being prepared while we flew to formulate a plan for his wife and daughter to carry on securely with family and friends that came together as experts in their fields. </div>
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When we landed I was given the name of my family's preferred funeral home and I was off like a shot - cool, confident, collected... until I had to start signing death certificates</div>
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Cremation orders</div>
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<img height="312" src="http://www.gifbin.com/bin/032011/1300711799_baby-reaction-to-mom-blowing-nose.gif" width="400" /></div>
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and then choosing both a coffin and a cremation vase.</div>
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I couldn't do it. Rene (my uncle... who's 46) was with me and he was kind of leaving it up to me - I kept wanting to call Grandma for approval or maybe just to absolve myself of some sort of responsibility from some part of this- I couldn't choose the final resting place for my dad, this was insane! It wasn't possible! It's just not happening! It's just...</div>
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Oh wait. </div>
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Nope that's it. That one. It's PERFECT.</div>
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<img height="400" src="http://rs1152.pbsrc.com/albums/p486/FuzzySapiens/Gifs/tumblr_lc9pvmIshA1qzffsi.gif~c200" width="400" /></div>
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And suddenly the funeral had a theme.</div>
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This was better. This funeral was now about my dad for who he was, not who he was forced to become over the last 5 years. It was about how funny he was, how generous and how utterly fantastic he was. </div>
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I was going to own that euology. </div>
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My funeral guy, Gary, after having met with me, had to go through a mental list of priests to conduct the ceremony, crossing out those that weren't 'flexible enough' to presumably deal with me. Kudos to him, and he found me one that wasn't too horrified over my questions like:</div>
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<li>Will there be holy water?<br />Why?<br />You may need it. There might be a couple of guests that burst into flame when they walk into the church.</li>
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<li>Can we do the euolgy at the end?</li>
<li>No. Euologies go at the beginning.</li>
<li>But this one has to go at the end.</li>
<li>Why?</li>
<li>Because there's a finale. And a small stage production. And props.</li>
<li>At a funeral?</li>
<li>Yes. So it needs to be at the end. </li>
<li>I'll let you split it into two parts.</li>
<li>Deal.</li>
<li>And I need you to leave the back door unlocked.</li>
<li>What? Why?</li>
<li>In case the finale flops. I need a quick exit.</li>
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Well, other than being accosted by an estranged family member in a toilet stall while peeing right before the funeral got underway, narrowly avoiding having to fill my dad's cremation vase with cat litter as there was a delay at the coroner's office (no one would know! It would be fine!), the funeral home letting me steal their outdoor garden plants to satisfy a last minute request from my father's wife and the home's graphic designer helping me photoshop a picture of my dad with the Jasper Store Bear to look as though he'd taken a bear to Sears for a family photo-</div>
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<img alt="Inline image 3" height="320" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=fd08515cbe&view=fimg&th=14d9b8a144372ede&attid=0.1&disp=emb&realattid=ii_14d9b89d1bacbf0c&attbid=ANGjdJ828f55YnFi5hshYUFuZR_0o-4RCTinaFun9woPZzlrrTEgJGN7NFrCi5BuofnJcRBT2JjUkh6_tvnoWUCtIhS32FOuGc5I5eKiTMTCd56PgLYn-uCiZ89qp4o&sz=w810-h1082&ats=1433806906807&rm=14d9b8a144372ede&zw&atsh=1" width="238" /><a href="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=fd08515cbe&view=fimg&th=14d9be24d7079b86&attid=0.3&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ85hq5zIUiOYgd6xtgVYafy1H_4GXlUoHc4h20QioeZsUB875J89jiz4oD3CP8IHNAE_KIkL4EJPWb3W7uFAGHissWWc-DmAgTlj6OVH3YIRpuAtcVpKhFtXaY&ats=1433806906860&rm=14d9be24d7079b86&zw&sz=w1890-h768" imageanchor="1"><img alt="Displaying Lafleur, Andre Back.jpg" border="0" src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=fd08515cbe&view=fimg&th=14d9be24d7079b86&attid=0.3&disp=inline&safe=1&attbid=ANGjdJ85hq5zIUiOYgd6xtgVYafy1H_4GXlUoHc4h20QioeZsUB875J89jiz4oD3CP8IHNAE_KIkL4EJPWb3W7uFAGHissWWc-DmAgTlj6OVH3YIRpuAtcVpKhFtXaY&ats=1433806906860&rm=14d9be24d7079b86&zw&sz=w1890-h768" /></a></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">we managed to celebrate my father's life in his style, and in a way that I hope we all remember him fondly.</span></div>
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The thing with my dad is that above anything else, he never had enough time. He loved to fish, dirtbike, camp, play golf - he just never, ever had enough time. This was a running theme throughout the speakers at his service, it was echoed by his colleagues when I cleared out his desk at work. It was echoed by his mother. His friends. His family. He just never, ever had enough time. </div>
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It was the end of the eulogy - the big finale. I again brought up my dad's lack of time as I walked to the middle of the dais, lifted the picture cloaking his cremation vase from view and proudly declared:</div>
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WELL, NOW HE'S GOT ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!</div>
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<img height="320" src="http://www.holyurn.com/1039-thickbox_default/tribute-wood-clock-cremation-urn-pm7851.jpg" width="320" /></div>
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I had my dad put into a clock to remind us of how precious our time is, and to stop wasting it on stupid stuff and people that don't appreciate or deserve it.</div>
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Overall, the funeral went fairly well, as well as funerals tend to go, with the requisite off the wall dramatics about who gets to do what with his ashes at the very end which went so immediately squirrely that I gave up and stormed out, followed into the parking lot by my funeral guy and his team. </div>
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He assured me that even with the fairly ridiculous ending, he and his team felt the funeral went quite smoothly and on the grand scale of things they would rate this particular funeral drama at about a 4.0 of 10. I did well, I did the right thing and now my work was done. And don't worry, he'll make sure that I get that clock, because that was awesome.</div>
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<img src="http://cdn02.cdnwp.celebuzz.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/10/The-judges-600x450.jpg" /></div>
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Like I said, if anyone else needs a funeral-</div>
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I've got a guy.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-50075536870073903112015-05-09T15:22:00.000-07:002015-05-09T15:22:07.446-07:00I need a nursing degree to put my twins to bed. And a HAZMAT suit.<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxMy05NjQ2YzRjOTdjMjU5NmM5.png" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I worry that we are getting close to a 'serious talking to' from the school nurse.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't know what happened to my kids this week, but the twins (despite being only 4, and girls) are covered in bruises, cuts, gashes and excessive bandaging. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Like they've been in some sort of cock fight.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It started innocently enough - one coming home from school with a band-aid on her arm (field hockey) and the other having to outdo her sister the next day by coming home with a bandage / knee brace (football). The next few days came with bruises (tree), scratches (as of yet unexplained) and a mild concussion (coloring). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And then it got worse. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">On Thursday morning we were late for school as I'd spent 20 minutes at the pharmacy first stocking an epic first aid kit, then patching Twin A back together in parking lot before bringing her into her class like a victim of war.</span></div>
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<img height="238" src="http://scrubsmag.mindovermediallc.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/bandage.jpg" width="320" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She had learned what happens when you are holding a very large cat and then turn on the hair dryer.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm sure the blood stains on the sheets will bleach out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Over the weekend, Twin B's scraped up knee seemed to have gotten infected (with playdoh), and it was re-opened when she ran body-first into the bathroom door. This drew more blood and elicited sheer hysterics, claiming that she could genuinely see her skeleton through the hole in her knee.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay, fine. Time for bed guys, up you go.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Twin B is sobbing and needs to be hoisted up to her bed, her bleeding knee completely immobilized by dramatics. Okay, fine. Got her up there and started cleaning her up. Twin A came in clutching her hip - sent her to the loo and saw that she had some sort of hive-like rash all over her hips and pelvis.</span></div>
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<img src="http://www.gifwave.com/media/735658_britney-spears-confused-x-factor_200s.gif" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What? Okay, come here, let me cream you up with some steroid stuff from your doctor. Layer 1 applied and an antihistamine given. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With hives like that it's best to sleep commando tonight honey. No you can't wear tights to bed instead. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What do you mean you haven't pooped in 3 days???</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay. Here's a bit of mummy's fast-acting Senna. Just a small dose. You'll be fine. Back across the room to spray Twin B's knee with iodine</span></div>
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<img src="http://rack.0.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyMDEzLzA2LzE4LzdjL0JlYWtlci4zOWJhOC5naWYKcAl0aHVtYgkxMjAweDk2MDA-/4a93e3c4/4a4/Beaker.gif" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let the screams settle while I applied layer 2 of steroid cream to pelvis and hips of Twin A. Back to Twin B to apply the almighty 'cream' (Sudocrem. It's our Greek Windex)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and wrap up her knee in a neat, well-practiced surgical dressing. She now can't (refuses) use the knee. Awesome. Back to check on Twin A, who is still complaining of tummy pains. Well, the senna should take care of that sweetie, don't worry. Here's a towel to sleep on- oh look! Mummy's new pink towel, just in case. Checked that Twin B is now fine, cleaned, bandaged, tucked in and ready for bed, just as I remembered that Twin A's Maine Coon cat gashes on her arm need to have the bandages removed, cleaned and aired out for the night. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cue more hysterics and screaming, flopping child.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By this time I had broken a serious sweat, sudocremed her arm from wrist to shoulder and turned to find an inconsolable, sobbing Twin B.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She doesn't get to sleep on a towel, it isn't fair.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sigh. Deep conversation with Twin B about the possibility of Twin A having had so much senna that she may very well shoot out of her bed and across the room like a flaming rocket, which necessitates the towel. Back to Twin A to tuck her in,3rd layer of steroid cream and-</span></div>
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TWIN B STOP STRAINING, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO <i>TRY</i> TO CRAP YOUR BED! I'M NOT GETTING YOU A TOWEL!</div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh holy hell. I finally escaped the med-zone that was my children's bedroom to relax downstairs while Paul went out to buy laundry detergent (we were out). All was good. All was quiet. All was calm.</span></div>
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<img height="103" src="http://simplyknowledge.com/uploads/script/michelangelo/the-calm-before-the-storm.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And then Paul got home, checked on the kids and found Twin A standing up in bed, pointing down at the 'accident'she'd had the size of a small housecat in the middle of the towel on her bed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thank God Paul had brought home washing powder. My only other option was to just light the laundry room on fire.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sigh. I don't think you necessarily NEED a nursing degree to be a parent - but it certainly would help.</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-61620141524606880582015-04-03T13:13:00.000-07:002015-04-03T13:27:00.646-07:00Sick Guilt Help: how to make everything awkward in 10 easy steps<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="https://i.imgflip.com/58oxg.jpg" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hate asking for help. Hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it. I'm terrible at it, and any request for help comes with so much heaping self-guilt that it's often just not worth it and I end up half-killing myself to do it on my own. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This unfortunately also applies to my health - and last week I was in desperate need of help.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It started with Alan and Shirley, two of my colleagues, coming over to stay at my house to help me with my kids and disease (I know, I know) while my husband was away.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>And here is how I made everything excruciatingly awkward in 10 easy steps.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. The Dress Code</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I called them, I was in my pajamas, teeth unbrushed, hair wild and surrounded on my bed by a tissue graveyard of sadness and phlegm.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When they arrived, I was wearing clean yoga pants, a nice sweater, a bra, socks and makeup. I even did my hair. I'd brushed my teeth three times to get rid of 'sick breath'.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>So when they rushed over to me on my deathbed and I opened the door I looked better than I do most days at the office.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. The House</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I called them, I was still lying atop the aforementioned tissue graveyard in despair and desperation. My kids room looked like a bomb, the dishes were still on the table and counter from the night before and the upstairs loo had no toilet paper. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When they arrived, my room was clean, the kids' beds were made, laundry was put away, the dishwasher was running and I'd shuffled around the living room dryheaving and crying in order to vacuum before their car showed up.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>So when they rushed over to me on my deathbed and I opened the door they were greeted by Martha Stewart.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. The Kids</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I needed their help with the kids, as I just couldn't handle working from home AND getting the kids to and from school without use of the car (I can't drive here yet, Stroke) So they arrived at the door and I welcomed them in on my way out to walk the kids 1.5 miles to their school and back. I'd already made the kids beds and gotten them ready for school, lunches packed and pick up instructions arranged. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Come on in guys and make yourselves at home. I'll be back in an hour and a half.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. They're still guests</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Even though I've asked someone over to help, they were still guests. Dying as I was, how could I at least not make them a cup of tea? And some lunch? And a nice dinner of fresh pasta with a homemade cream sauce and foccacia garlic bread? WIth a nice salad?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I at least let them help with the dishes afterward, but this was more so because I had passed out in a chair after sitting down to taste it.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. I'm so sorry</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It may be unhealthy, but I tend to associate gratitude with guilt. Friends offered to come by and drive me to the hospital, but I felt too appreciative of their thought to possibly accept it. After having slept upstairs for an hour in bed while my colleagues were downstairs working at my dining table and entertaining my kids I lay there, staring wide-eyed at the ceiling above me. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can't be lying here while they are downstairs with my kids. It's just not right. I could <i>really </i>use the rest, though. I can't just do <i>nothing</i> though. Maybe I'll just give the washroom a quick clean. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay, that's done. But while I'm here I'll just maybe throw in a load of towels downstairs. Then go play with the kids. Make them all some lunch. Or a snack. Maybe set up a proper little tea party for the kids. Check my email, respond to a few. Okay, yeah. I'll do that and then come back up to rest.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>And this is how Alan and Shirley found me halfway down the stairs, clinging to the banister for dear life, panting like a wounded water buffalo and apologizing profusely to them for having them take care of my kids. They dragged me over to a living room chair, where I then sat and apologized every time they walked into the room.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">6. Kids: food, water, play</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The kids had been fed and watered, but were desperate for some attention and playtime. Usually I'd hand them the wiimote and tell them to have at-er with Netflix, but not when <i>people were over</i>! Instead, out came the bane of all sick parents - play-doh and Lego.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh FML.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I threw out half the play-doh as I kept sneezing in it. I was horrified when Shirley got underneath my dining room table with a cleaning cloth to collect the play-doh shrapnel from under the table and chairs, prompting me to dive down onto my knees to do the same while saying 'I'm so sorry about this, you didn't have to do that, I'm sure the dog would have gotten it. I'm so, so sorry.'</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Lego then came out and I was guided back to my old-man-sleeping chair in the living room. I woke up just in time for the clean-up, and again dove to my knees to help with the gigantic collective explosion of Lego - with the idiotic, ass-hat suggestion that while we were cleaning it up anyway, we may as well <i>sort it into color coded boxes.</i> </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>So Alan and Shirley had basically come over to watch me feed my kids and to sort through their Lego for, not kidding here, 2 hours.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7. I don't really take sick days at work</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So Alan and Shirley worked from my house, with me and my raging illness and disease. How considerate of me, I know (hey, I made them a really nice tea!) Even according to them it was one of the most singularly productive work days of their professional lives - even with me cooking, cleaning, hacking and passing in and out of narcolepsy throughout. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>So out of the kindness of their hearts, they had come over to my house to help me out and I worked them harder than I do at the office.</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">8. It was time to finally go in to the hospital</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There was no more avoiding it, I was flaring out of control and something had to give. I either would go to the hospital or, what gave would be me. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Paul got home from London, walked in the door and rushed upstairs to check on me, after I had been forcibly put to bed by Alan and Shirley (very forcibly) and I jumped into panicked apologies for having worried him so much (he thinks I'm insane with this stuff - I'm pretty sure a therapist would have a field day with my guilt issues). I felt <i>terrible</i>. Terrible that he would have to drive me to the hospital, and likely wait with me. Terrible that he would have to drive Alan and Shirley home. Terrible that he was likely tired and terrible that he had worried about me during his time in London. I also felt terrible that I had let myself get to this state, despite <i>promising </i>him that I would have gone in to hospital much sooner.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He dragged me out the door, cutting off my frenzied apologies to Alan and Shirley after he helped me to lace my shoes as I laid on the floor. I'm quite sure I even apologized to my <i>dog</i>.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can't help it at all, I feel so guilty when I'm sick. I'm being told right now by my husband that this isn't normal, but I'm not buying it. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">9. At the hospital </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The A&E doctor came to me within the packed ebola-breakout stadium style emergency room and I apologized (of course) for taking up so much of his time and bringing such as rare disease to him when he was so busy.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Candace...' muttered my now getting impatient husband.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Sorry. Thank you doctor, I really appreciate your help.'</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Caaaaandace...' came a warning growl from my husband.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The doctor assured me that it was fine, it's nice for them to deal with something different now and again, not to worry, they will get the right people in place to fix me up.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Oh thank you, I'm sure it's fine and I'm just making a big deal out of nothing.'</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Caaaaandaaaaaace....'</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Again the doctor assured me that it was fine - he was just going to have someone take my blood pressure -</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Okay, no worries - I'll do it!'</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'CANDACE!'</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fiiiiiiiiiiine Paul. I'll just lay here and be sick.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For like, a week. I'd like to say that next time I'll take the help with grace and appreciation instead of apology and embarrassment. That I'll let people just take care of me and stop worrying so much about what everyone else needs at the time. That I will just let Alan and Shirley nurse me back to health or better, drag me into the hospital.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I won't. We all know I won't.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">10. Next time I'll probably also make them scones.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://i349.photobucket.com/albums/q371/d-k-photos/Blueberry%20Sourcream%20Scones/BlueberryScone0000014.jpg" /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-1069963835345400312015-04-02T03:04:00.000-07:002015-04-02T03:04:14.196-07:00The Irish Hospital Incident<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img height="400" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/0e/a9/00/0ea90098f104711269c8e2e47acb8506.jpg" width="290" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m
not really sure where to start with this one, the entire stay in Irish hospital
captivity has been so on-par with my usual level of bizarre that it’s a bit
alarming. Not in itself, more so in the realization that this is destined to
follow me wherever I go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Where
to start?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well,
my cat died.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHxJ9-ofWj0TV9aBQY8ZWCmdt4jRHBflXkWQ3ok5VMmLqeJN_m60pb35oPfpc8SOKBWepR7dtSX5Jivt9Ov7LpmGe26jO5NthyT5Ko9w1m-4xKxn7K4mPigwkM6ZK9PuWYr497JYMBHQQ/s1600/IMG_4815.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHxJ9-ofWj0TV9aBQY8ZWCmdt4jRHBflXkWQ3ok5VMmLqeJN_m60pb35oPfpc8SOKBWepR7dtSX5Jivt9Ov7LpmGe26jO5NthyT5Ko9w1m-4xKxn7K4mPigwkM6ZK9PuWYr497JYMBHQQ/s1600/IMG_4815.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve
blogged about our adorable, wonderful kitten Princess Zelda before, and have
shared much of our too-short journey with her on Facebook. The jist of it is
that we got her from a family home breeder for Maine Coons, not a proper,
documented breeder. We didn’t know that there would really be a difference
until we drove 1.5 hours to pick her up in Chippenham, and paid for a ‘rescue’.
The poor thing smelled awful, had an eye infection, was sneezing and had such
horrific ear mites (we didn’t know what they were at the time) that it looks as
though coffee grounds were pouring out of her ears.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well,
we got Huar Huar off the street and Dermot from a restaurant menu, so it’s not
like I could say no, despite Paul shaking his head frantically in the
background. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
took Zelda home and immediately to the vet, and to the vet nearly every week
thereafter. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXZB-uk-j8X-zNGROhDHxb7PyXzUZCCRrSbtA4YmjktNO4UTRm1q2Ov5Xu5Zz99_PqgzMVlyP_JHE_XaEQZC7oLrq4C89stMznzPg-YGVyhZ50Wqc8p3karFvufOxE1qply6KChFj2Cbw/s1600/IMG_4568.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXZB-uk-j8X-zNGROhDHxb7PyXzUZCCRrSbtA4YmjktNO4UTRm1q2Ov5Xu5Zz99_PqgzMVlyP_JHE_XaEQZC7oLrq4C89stMznzPg-YGVyhZ50Wqc8p3karFvufOxE1qply6KChFj2Cbw/s1600/IMG_4568.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
wanted so badly for her to make it, our lives became about fixing her in any
way we could. Medication, steam showers, love flowing over her like you
wouldn’t believe. Hydrating her with a syringe, sucking boogers from her nose,
keeping her warm and the kids carried her around like a dolly while she just
sat and purred in their arms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But
it just wasn’t enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See,
the physiological reaction to stress (adrenaline, raised heart rate, rapid
breathing, chemical release, etc.) can, in extreme situations, send me into a
flare. I have gotten good at controlling it, but life doesn’t always go my way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<img height="266" src="http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/1b/1b75d85c4f13c21bc0658adabf9cb312ac6f052ee46a7ef6659ac1ef73d2359c.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Earlier
in the week I had started to feel a bit of a cold coming on. It was slightly
alarming as I had had a chemo infusion a couple days prior, and had pushed
myself harder than I should have. No matter, life doesn’t stop for a cold. Paul
had a funeral to attend in London and he was reluctant to leave me with Zelda
still at the vet and my showing signs of a cold, but it was important to us and
he left to support a friend, as you do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well,
things went downhill rather quickly once he got on the plane. My cold suddenly
turned from sniffles to deep coughing and a bit of flare pain – this did not
look like it was going to be good. My team in Ireland graciously came to work
from my home to help me out</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> as I walked 2.5 miles to drop off and collect the
kids from school on Friday, then we worked like demons at my kitchen table
until I got a call from the vet, Zelda could come home!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thrilled,
Lochie and I went to pick her up. She was mewing (for the first time!) and
happy, though still not out of the woods yet. Fine, we were just happy to have
her back in our arms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But
it didn’t last. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Around
9pm I screamed while on the phone with Paul. Zelda had been cuddling me under
my chin and had suddenly went wild and scratched her way across my face and
hair in a violent circle yowling and spitting at me. I sat up, holding my
bleeding face and turned on the light as Shirley and Alan, who had been staying
over to keep an eye on my sickness, burst into the room. Zelda was going crazy,
spinning in a left circle clawing her way around my bed, then falling off with
a thump and spinning around on the floor drooling and foaming at the mouth. It
was terrifying, and as Kaitie ran into the room I wrapped Zelda up in a towel
so she wouldn’t see it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This
was particularly hard for me to watch, as it was like seeing myself when I had
my cerebellar stroke – it was the same loss of control and spinning to one side
violently. I choked back my emotions and
we flew into action, finding an all-night vet to open for us a few towns away
and Alan and I calling a taxi. We were so desperate to get her to help as I
gripped her in the towel as she tried to maim me, howling like Satan himself as
she did, that we threw on our shoes and ran out into the night to meet the taxi
down the wooded lane just to get there moments faster.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It
was Alan’s birthday, by the way. Happy birthday Alan. My bad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/20/2000e042799eed7eba9e3374ab320554dcfb41f019871e7f2659de2c3bc41d15.jpg" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
eventually made it to the vet, but it was too late to save her. She was having
violent seizures every two minutes, had gone blind and deaf and had lost
control of 2 of her limbs. She didn’t know where she was or who I was. I called
Paul and we decided to hit her with everything they could – sedation,
antibiotics, steroids (sound familiar?), she deserved to live. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
vet figured it would be worth a try to turn out the lights at one point to see
if that calmed down the seizures, but all that happened was a feral, hysterical
cat getting loose from the towel with us in a dark room with no windows,
yowling and spitting like a demon. Alan heard us screaming from outside the
room and opened the door to flood light on the two of us clawing at the walls
looking for the light switches.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
sobbed through it, but there was nothing that could be done. The vet assured me
that nothing was able to help her at this point, she was already ‘gone’ and all
we could do was to make it painless. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So we
did. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
it broke my heart as she was sedated and euthanized in my arms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
tried. We really, really did. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
felt like a monster. I still do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s
hard to lose a family pet – but it was harder in my own mind, as she didn’t
even get a chance to live. She died at 17 weeks old.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It
gets infinitely worse. Her cause of death – an aggressive granulomas disease
that shut down her organ functioning, including her brain, and caused a final
stroke.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My
kitten had my disease. And I killed her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAxFOGkL6ZOU7hs_wCiAganic-RzBXmJVxbSP5aUFXvJeEzsZMP2nwDuX5oAh7Ld3iBS6-g-dKeY9LjmFIwItFZt2wnTDhKBqyKIa3_HdW-b1ecweyAKlOOpuY9p9kpA8qwj39HbQMX38/s1600/123-broken-hearts-14300882-564-605.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAxFOGkL6ZOU7hs_wCiAganic-RzBXmJVxbSP5aUFXvJeEzsZMP2nwDuX5oAh7Ld3iBS6-g-dKeY9LjmFIwItFZt2wnTDhKBqyKIa3_HdW-b1ecweyAKlOOpuY9p9kpA8qwj39HbQMX38/s1600/123-broken-hearts-14300882-564-605.jpg" height="320" width="298" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We went
home, and my system went into meltdown. At 4 am I woke up in excruciating pain
in the tops of my jaw, having to stumble for my morphine pills to try to settle
it down. I texted Paul, but wouldn’t go into hospital until he was home for the
kids, despite Alan and Shirley’s protests all day to go. They again wonderfully
stayed at our home all day to look after the kids and I throughout my intense
‘sick guilt’ (a post for another day), and even other friends in Ireland
threatened to drag me into hospital at Paul’s insistence. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
didn’t go. By the afternoon I was choking on the stuff coming up from my lungs
and delirious with flare pain, but I still didn’t go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
went as soon as Paul got back, and I’ve been in captivity for 5 days now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbM7WQOiFDbLkSMk2wKVFyqZydElaMjqO3TUYJUDZIfaDu2seffWg5ZRaItdQe0Q834ggBxt6fAx0G5pAInIeV5GS0hcSk2m3e7xldXSbvTZD8RjXZztgVTd4RdyNJc8s2Ao-tgA5vrao/s1600/IMG_4860.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbM7WQOiFDbLkSMk2wKVFyqZydElaMjqO3TUYJUDZIfaDu2seffWg5ZRaItdQe0Q834ggBxt6fAx0G5pAInIeV5GS0hcSk2m3e7xldXSbvTZD8RjXZztgVTd4RdyNJc8s2Ao-tgA5vrao/s1600/IMG_4860.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had
read and heard about the extreme bed shortages in Irish hospitals, but had
never in my entire life experienced anything like this. I’ve been to hospitals
in Canada, America, Hong Kong, China, the UK and now Ireland – and this A&E
completely blew my mind. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It
was PACKED. We waited in the waiting room for about 40 minutes, which alone was
a bit weird for me given my history. It was made entertaining, however, by the
family of outrageously loud, obnoxious and gangster like Roma Gypsies playing
violent rape-sounding music videos on their mobile phones with their feet up on
chairs, shoes off and treating their wives and mothers like trash servants.
This greatly disrupted the Sunday Morning Mass broadcasted on the big screen
waiting room TV, a source of great distress for many in the waiting room that
were too afraid of the Roma’s to say anything. Except Paul. I kept shushing
him, sure he would be revenge murdered in the parking lot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Regardless,
we were brought in and passed through the A&E lined with beds so packed
they were touching each other, the hallways lined single file with people being
treated in armchairs and others waiting in some sort of holding pen hell of
plastic backed office chairs connected to IV’s and casts. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It
was like an EBOLA breakout makeshift stadium hospital.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was
brought in and checked over, the usual spark behind the student doctor’s eyes
when they start to realize what they were seeing. Consultants were brought in
and talk of rushing me to a ward, but I’d have to make do in the A&E until
that could happen. No worries.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was
in a hallway armchair for 13 hours, hooked up to oxygen, steroid and antibiotic
IV’s. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkhCPBDXHmb2JBsQ2rtK4Y1KjDLmJGO4gX-CwVEGnjR7CJU0uATqK-bzNFEISNsOEW72DqBVPHfcz3AEplVll13MkAMOMRSs_s_KqsdGNuDC6_U7y1N2PTCh3Ekmo0qATKEPoE6dmBcXs/s1600/IMG_4831.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkhCPBDXHmb2JBsQ2rtK4Y1KjDLmJGO4gX-CwVEGnjR7CJU0uATqK-bzNFEISNsOEW72DqBVPHfcz3AEplVll13MkAMOMRSs_s_KqsdGNuDC6_U7y1N2PTCh3Ekmo0qATKEPoE6dmBcXs/s1600/IMG_4831.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not
the safest or most sterile place to be for someone on chemo, even though I was
wearing my SARS mask.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
treatment was fantastic and the doctors were great, it was just the environment
that was lacking, and after 13 hours I was starting to lose it. The pressure
building in my head from Neurosarc was hitting dangerous levels and I was
debating making a nest for myself on the floor under my chair of blankets,
toilet paper and my hoodie just to lay down and gain some sweet pressure
relief. I told this to the nurses – they would try to find me a trolley bed,
but some people had been waiting in chairs since SATURDAY (this was Sunday
evening already), and there was a queue. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Captivity Journal Hour 10: am
loving the oxygen, though my captives still won’t let me leave. They claim a ‘head
consultant’ a cometh, though this may yet be as mythical as the Loch Ness
Monster , London All Night Pharmacy and the Portrane Public Bus. Med students
eying me up like fat kids outside a candy shop.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve been given a cookie,
though no instructions on how to eat this while wearing an oxygen mask. First
attempt went quite badly, having inhaled cookie crumbs to already damaged lung.
Suspect they are now keeping me as cannot trust me to preserve self.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Also sneezed in this thing.
Quickly learned why you’re not supposed to do that.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
became desperate, and decided to self-discharge to fly back to London to go to
my regular hospital there. The nurse wasn’t happy about that, and ran to get
the head nurse, who said it was too dangerous for me to do that. She refused to
take out my IV line, but changed her tune when she saw me watching youtube
videos of how to do it myself and asking an intern for some gauze and tape.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She
miraculously found me a trolley bed (I’d also fired off an email to the Irish
Independent, which she also noticed over my shoulder).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Laying
down on a tiny trolley bed in a packed and germ infested A&E was absolute
bliss. I dared not complain, so many had it so much worse and the relief was
immediate and sweet. We were lined up morgue style –<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKMYSAh2XWC86snIboO86TudHbkZ-6kO_zU4hOAR3HFru7SHxlMzRaRzwksCm_kPsUok_eIBt0Aa8u4FPrx7zinii8reiSFvfQVHZgR2UqHVnJmPHeRMzWwlfdrs_ertgucQwFtLp2O6Q/s1600/IMG_4836.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKMYSAh2XWC86snIboO86TudHbkZ-6kO_zU4hOAR3HFru7SHxlMzRaRzwksCm_kPsUok_eIBt0Aa8u4FPrx7zinii8reiSFvfQVHZgR2UqHVnJmPHeRMzWwlfdrs_ertgucQwFtLp2O6Q/s1600/IMG_4836.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">with
all the beds touching and consultants only able to speak to you from the foot
of the bed, nurses reaching over other patients to treat us. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It
was feeling pretty Serbian down there, but I didn’t care. I was being treated,
and getting exactly what I needed. Despite the hacking guy with pneumonia lying
so close that our hands were brushing against each other. At least he was a
nice guy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After
29 hours in A&E, a bed on the rheumatology ward became available and I was
zoomed up and the typical routine of non-stop consultants and med students
commenced, each barely able to contain their excitement at what they were
seeing. I continued to apologize profusely (it’s just in my Canadian blood) for
using up so much of their time and resources during such a horrible bed
shortage, but the head rheumatologist assured me that I shouldn’t apologize,
they so rarely get an opportunity to see something like this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then
the hospital REALLY took it up a notch. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They
got in touch with my specialist team in London, who used to lecture at the
teaching hospital here incidentally, and they want to joint-manage my care
ongoing, as I’ve recently come to the area and it is likely that I will be
there often. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTLt4k99ov4PTH-8Z1dx2-955_6AHuAOGl7HWNSuoTJPCLlwDtgyQ" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Even
though I had already been treated to suppress the majority of the flare, they
wanted to do baseline CT’s, MRI’s, neurology consults, ophthalmology,
immunology and pulmonology consults – so that they could deal with me
appropriately and effectively the next time this happens to me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/e8e56bdca370d8c9fb12b35c6dc755db/tumblr_inline_njjl87B32c1qze3co.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was
assigned a nurse. A NURSE. In my ward room of 7 patients we had two students
and one nurse in the room at all times. Adjusting my oxygen, pumping me full of
steroids and antibiotics, interns were assigned to collect my notes from my
five various London hospitals, with my main notes from the Royal Free. They
were thrilled that I was happy to meet med students to chat and I spent TWO
HOURS with their lead neurologist doing the most comprehensive examination and
talk about my stroke, my neurosarc and everything in between that I have ever,
EVER experienced.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img height="224" src="https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTKp6mxyQev0TfhKpq0C17h5g9vQFRrbw1jJ710uBEkHrPE5jJfug" width="400" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They
even discussed with me if I’d like to move my infusions to their hospital team
so I wouldn’t have to travel to London and risk infection again (I have been
instructed to wear a face mask the next time I fly or travel directly after
chemo infusions). I’m not ready for that
as I don’t want to lose Dr Beynon, but will be speaking with him about it when
I see him in a few weeks in London.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
hospital itself, once out of the A&E hellhole, was phenomenal. They made
room for a bed for me on the ward, and gave me a bell to ring the nurses if I
needed anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAaGrJFDbYiXkhD__b4-dlVJS-tgKgTcKiTWr79Lzc522iWVll8R_wuvjpVHmRQi1fa9iUfWhvCu5a9r0hIAr36XNLe9wuXa0RM2BNK11meuaJrO2vX4tPEA-FK_il6p7XopFRmrpZ6LI/s1600/IMG_4837.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAaGrJFDbYiXkhD__b4-dlVJS-tgKgTcKiTWr79Lzc522iWVll8R_wuvjpVHmRQi1fa9iUfWhvCu5a9r0hIAr36XNLe9wuXa0RM2BNK11meuaJrO2vX4tPEA-FK_il6p7XopFRmrpZ6LI/s1600/IMG_4837.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Or if
I wanted to call for Florence Nightingale. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As
usual I was productive and my friends were wonderful. Paul brought me the Xbox.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNncN1CZuF2CHa32cP3DuW8gjVjZ51JT2FgUQ6PRrDkz1PST8PhP2JbmsdHSddWjzm57RIG5F9C8y5fZr2rYjXvrFh_rOj7xSuFtl0bW-m-3VImA4ajAUcNcZaP-x9h4RYeGDDvOf0kpY/s1600/IMG_4849.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNncN1CZuF2CHa32cP3DuW8gjVjZ51JT2FgUQ6PRrDkz1PST8PhP2JbmsdHSddWjzm57RIG5F9C8y5fZr2rYjXvrFh_rOj7xSuFtl0bW-m-3VImA4ajAUcNcZaP-x9h4RYeGDDvOf0kpY/s1600/IMG_4849.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dai
Kai sent one of our team leaders from London to surprise me, and to reassure
him that I was going to live as he couldn’t make it himself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
hobbled back down to the A&E waiting room so I could get internet reception
to blog and finish legal documents for work that were due the next day. I took
conference calls from my bed on oxygen and even hired someone from my bedside
(awkward, but time was of the essence!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Paul
jailbroke me this evening to go for a pub dinner with him and the kids, and I’m
waiting, begging to go home. They have killed the flare, and the infection is
nearly dead as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
my roommates are getting to be a bit much.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One
clipped her toenails with scissors. I was hit by one from across the room.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Another
prayed for me at my bedside with the daily communion woman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Having
a shower on the ward was akin to be sexually assaulted by the way too close
shower curtain. I spent more time batting it off of me than I did washing my
hair, and in the end I didn’t know if I should press charges or leave a tip.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But
then this woman happened:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A
Polish woman, speaking no English whatsoever, was brought up to our ward. Her
daughters were with her, obviously convincing her to stay and listen to the
doctors and nurses, they would see her tomorrow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She
was PISSED.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This
woman was passive aggressive to the extreme – refusing to interact with the
nurses or doctors, scowling at the rest of us and refusing to take any
medication at all. Fine, her choice, whatever. But then she refused to sleep.
REFUSED. They tried getting translators, but she wouldn’t talk to them. They
got her daughter on the phone, but she refused to speak to her. The nurses were
begging her to lie down and go to sleep, so the rest of us could sleep as well.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now,
as she refused to use her bed, I was awoken at 4am by the sound of her scraping
her chair over to MY bed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes,
that’s my knee and that’s her beside it. You know, just to hang out and stare
at me over my shoulder like a creeper. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was
initially alarmed that she was coming to join me, so I aggressively star-fished.
The nurses returned to talk to her gently, trying to persuade her to leave my
bedside and return to her own. No dice. They even tried to pull my curtain
around me but couldn’t get it around her chair as she HUNG ON to the end of my
bed rail, determined to stay where she was. After about 10 minutes of them
pleading with her they forcibly dragged her chair away from my bed as she
rocked me back and forth in a clawing and defiant attempt to stay put. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
yes, I genuinely considered a flatulence based defense. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She
then camped out in the toilet next to me, which the nurses also weren’t okay
with. Another 10 minutes of lights and her yelling with while they convinced
her to leave the loo to finally return to her bed. She still refused her bed
(seriously, patients in A&E right now would KILL for that bed) and sat up
in her chair, staring at me and the patient across from me (who was equally
creeped out) until the nurses closed our curtains again and made jokes with me
about Rohipnol.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She’s
now back in the bathroom giggling like a lunatic. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
think I’m going to hold my pee for now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nope.
Can’t do it. I’m going in. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Pray
for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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" 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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-87975352397027296602015-03-30T13:28:00.000-07:002015-03-30T13:29:53.699-07:00The Kindness and Buttocks of Strangers – The Airport Wheelchair Incident<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3scjoOaE5aWLemXXJcQJq5-0BpYe3NnT8UYORd7772WP4peRClld0EGiAhqe3JyWdAQvJ6KolIj7YBctKuBnNCsrV-FZMAMbb5YgzjwZIrrx8BhSe4OXwRfhdVBTKfrQ1Am6DDB9gwUA/s1600/wheelchair+funny.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3scjoOaE5aWLemXXJcQJq5-0BpYe3NnT8UYORd7772WP4peRClld0EGiAhqe3JyWdAQvJ6KolIj7YBctKuBnNCsrV-FZMAMbb5YgzjwZIrrx8BhSe4OXwRfhdVBTKfrQ1Am6DDB9gwUA/s1600/wheelchair+funny.jpg" height="242" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alright,
maybe I am a <i>little </i>more hardcore
than necessary at times, but you’ve got to do what is necessary to keep going.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
are in Ireland for a stint on business, and due to my condition I have arranged
to fly in to London for my chemo treatments. To be extra helpful, my work, ever
concerned about me, arranged the flights as ‘level 1 disability assistance’, as
well as sending someone from our team to take me from the hospital right to
Dublin to make sure I made it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She was being helpful.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg4jtYxvnvFBDTLCEofDzj6_q8mW4lcnQWgumet46fxVqEG8FzhMW0V2pYsQ5mzXLVxwPuL_-ad-98FD_j3e-ovjVWgvUan0guGNTdllTFE37ZHgSdkFvgnka27DPBMIw6GjWP2l0iiWI/s1600/helpful+funny.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg4jtYxvnvFBDTLCEofDzj6_q8mW4lcnQWgumet46fxVqEG8FzhMW0V2pYsQ5mzXLVxwPuL_-ad-98FD_j3e-ovjVWgvUan0guGNTdllTFE37ZHgSdkFvgnka27DPBMIw6GjWP2l0iiWI/s1600/helpful+funny.jpg" height="235" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Great,
right?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Except
that it was the most awkward experience of my life… well, it certainly made the
top ten.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Exhausted
and worn out, I climbed into a taxi at the hospital and slept all the way to
the airport, being prodded awake and draped over a luggage cart in a stupor.
That alone got a few stares, but thankfully we didn’t have far to go to the
disabled people holding pen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes,
holding pen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">London
City Airport has a section just off the side of the check-in desks roped off
for disabled people consisting of 8 chairs and a security barrier rope to lock
us in, just in case we wander around the airport naked and confused looking for
a train platform and shoving pancakes into the boarding pass scanners.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhsRnIZLGUXkAG8XOplOxoVqshDR-qVBYYi6I4hvlokhUc2GRfhSG0i5Z2s30aBcKhteqfpjA0qjdDgsUivOByDiMf_JLcV4CME261xvlx-4AbcRFfB5MnjFsJNIg9va-0KlUgPtUJ120/s1600/pancakes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhsRnIZLGUXkAG8XOplOxoVqshDR-qVBYYi6I4hvlokhUc2GRfhSG0i5Z2s30aBcKhteqfpjA0qjdDgsUivOByDiMf_JLcV4CME261xvlx-4AbcRFfB5MnjFsJNIg9va-0KlUgPtUJ120/s1600/pancakes.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Once
inside the holding pen I must admit that British Airways seriously steps up to
the plate. They come to you to collect your passport and check in for you,
bringing back your documents in a nice little holder and introducing your
personal airport porter, who will pick you up at X time to take you through
security. She says this all to me very politely, while painstakingly bending
down to my eye level in the chair and talking to me in upbeat tones like I’m
five and about to go on a magical pony ride.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What?
I’m a fairly intelligent, coherent human being that runs companies internationally,
writes books and travels often, why is she talking to me like I’m some sort of
mental patient?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
forgot to take off my hospital wrist band. Yeaaaaaaah. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://rack.2.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyMDEzLzA4LzEzLzc3L2tyaXN0ZW53aWdnLmU4NGZkLmdpZgpwCXRodW1iCTg1MHg4NTA-CmUJanBn/a1bf1931/a9e/kristen-wigg-hair-twirl.jpg" /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
journey gets infinitely more awkward once the wheelchair shows up. Given my hospital
experience with wheelchairs I resigned myself not to ‘help’ with things like
maneuvering and doors, as this usually ends up with mild concussions and flying
braziers. Best to just sit back, stare straight ahead and do nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Except
apologize profusely to everyone I come into contact with, even the porter.
Because awkward constant apologizing is just how I roll.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjqcyErmktI5vdJwpgD2PqxdkVD3sE5Mi4Cy55SMS5qSwAJj-5Ecdljh8G71DvJvYNsKXnmBPWrKtx-tE1hVcu59hCpIqdB5jmaqebDSgL6SmZCEx1SM95qCo_fjUdZlwEI1qz84HvZ1Pw/s1600/really_sorry.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
come out of the elevator and I’m struck by my line of sight.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Butts.
Butts everywhere. Nothing but bums. Everywhere. Just bums.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/Lbjn2tW.gif" /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
maneuver around the butts rather deftly, this guy clearly knows what he’s doing
and where he’s going – oh wait we’ve just rocketed through a security door and
down a cargo lift. This is new. We pretty much run through the mechanical
back-area of the airport, assuming I’m not a terrorist of any sort, and pop out
at the dreaded UKBA immigration desk going the <i>wrong way</i> and flying through a side door to the front of the
security line. Not the special ‘family and disabled line’, the proper security
line. Right in front, like me being in a wheelchair completely trumps everyone
else’s patient waiting. I’m getting dirty looks as he cuts right through and I
start struggling to pull out my electronics from a seated position not quite
close enough to the conveyor belt. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yet I
dare not adjust or get out of the chair for fear of being lynched by the foot
tapping mob behind me. Okay, my stuff is on the belt we can go through now –
but the porter has completely disappeared. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://rack.0.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyMDEzLzA2LzE4LzAzL293bHBhbmlja2luLmM5NDBkLmdpZgpwCXRodW1iCTEyMDB4OTYwMD4/03140a90/c8f/owl-panicking.gif" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Where
the HELL did he go? I start trying to propel myself forward with the wheels but
end up going backwards and running over a man’s foot. A security person comes
to fetch me as I hang my head in shame, being pushed through like a faker
invalid. I can’t fit through the scanner with the wheelchair so they bring me
to a special door right in the middle of the security area in full view of <i>everyone</i> as I am frisked and felt up so
thoroughly I didn’t know whether to press charges or leave a tip.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
porter magically rocks up on the other side holding all of my stuff and
dragging poor Zoe along with him as I’m brought to him from the other side and
we’re off like a rocket again through the sea of derrieres leaping and jumping
out of our way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/RrrvMii.jpg" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We’re
left in a Special Assistance Zone, he’ll be back in an hour. Well, we may as
well go get some dinner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
then the awkwardness hit an entirely new level of unbearableness. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Zoe
loaded me up with all of our bags and coats on my lap, towering to just below
my chin. I hung on to the jenga pile bags while she pushed, like timid
molasses, through the airport terminal – even leaving me at one point to go and
find a restaurant to make a reservation at. People took pity on me, seeing only
a head in a wheelchair mercilessly piled with bags and asking if I was lost and
needed help – all at a kind yet extremely patronizing eye level, of course.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh
god, it was humiliating. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She
came running back, an Italian restaurant could set up a disabled table for us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Great.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Pushing
me toward the restaurant and through the gauntlet of buttocks at the pace of a
dying turtle, we made our way with hundreds of ‘excuse me’ and ‘sorry’s’ and ‘look
out’s’, everyone jumping out of the way and looking at me with pity and
concern. I was beet red and looked like death warmed over, which hardly helped.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some
business men even took it upon themselves to clear a path for us, ushering us
toward the restaurant. Humiliating. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB6oL7GUlgqx52V8RwVwhMDRdJO9FI4Glw2zmRlXc_mCkZVllJDJIiYkPfOSNgh6viqEnh6BjubPpPSciIku0Y9KEs8yBpATSQi4wmh-edo8vynGT7cGKQGdRuwbSZ5mF5ksOvspq5u3g/s1600/carpet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB6oL7GUlgqx52V8RwVwhMDRdJO9FI4Glw2zmRlXc_mCkZVllJDJIiYkPfOSNgh6viqEnh6BjubPpPSciIku0Y9KEs8yBpATSQi4wmh-edo8vynGT7cGKQGdRuwbSZ5mF5ksOvspq5u3g/s1600/carpet.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Even
worse, when we got to the restaurant despite my urgent whispered protests Zoe
wheeled me straight through the very long line and to the very front, claiming
we had a reservation. Cue much more tsking and dirty looks as the greeter
jumped to make us a table, having 4 other tables of diners stand up to make
room for me to be pushed through. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wanted
to shrivel up and die. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All
was well as we sat at our table, even with the sneaking stares from other diners
speculating on what was wrong with me when at one point I accidentally crossed
my legs.</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Not good. But then the waitress came to take our orders. She took Zoe’s
like a normal person, and mine like I was here on a trip from the make a wish
foundation. Hands on her knees to get to my eye level, talking to me like I was
five and everything being fantastic and wonderful, checking on me every few
minutes to make sure my water was cold enough, my garlic bread tasty enough and
the table low enough for me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tine
to go and up jump the other diners again as Zoe wheeled me into shins, bums and
suitcases trying to maneuver me out of there. At one point I even tried to
help, making the whole thing so much worse and prompting a group of travelers to
form a defensive line for me to get through and back to the terminal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Humiliating.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They were all lined up and holding people back but Zoe was too timid to push through. At one point the tension was killing me and I shouted GO ZOE GO!!!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She stopped the wheelchair, came around in front of me, got down to my eye level and said 'What?'</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
also had to pee like a race horse but there was NO WAY I was going to get up
out of that chair and walk to the bathrooms like the final scene from The Usual
Suspects.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img alt="spoilers animated GIF " src="http://media.giphy.com/media/NFEiD362N6tkk/giphy.gif" height="168" width="400" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d
rather pee myself. People are treating me like I do anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Convincing
the flight attendants to let me board the plane without using the painstakingly
slow and awkward stair lift from the tarmac was yet another ordeal, and to save
what little dignity I had I had to make a great show of painstakingly dragging
myself up the stairs infront of about a hundred people, all nodding with
approval at my now apparent disability.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh
FFS.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Upon
boarding the plane I took one look at the waiting, patronizing yet overly kind
faces of the on board attendants and continued my show of disability, limping
and shuffling forward to my seat and gripping my way along the backs of the
chairs, dragging one leg behind me and huffing like a wounded, asthmatic water
buffalo for extra effect (though I wasn’t actually faking that part).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One
flight attendant commended me on my strength and determination once I was
buckled into my seat. I half expected her to give me a ‘wings’ pin for my coat.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Landing
in Dublin was so much worse, as there was another wheelchair waiting for me on
the tarmac and the pilots helped me hobble down the stairs (my legs had
properly seized up by this point and I did genuinely need the help). This
porter found out where I was living in Ireland and it turned out he was from
the same area – and all through the back area of the airport he told me about
the abandoned mental hospital on the hill overlooking our village (more on that
in another post) and how he and his friends used to go there at night and there
are still broken mirrors and syringes on the floor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Greeeeaaaaaaat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We popped
out of a customs line side door for non-EU residents and the porter cut me into
the front of the line again like some sort of VIP. I’m not a VIP, I’m just exhausted
and drugged. I could wait, please let me wait!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He ignored
me, and unceremoniously ran over someone’s foot. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And here
then came the MOST AWKWARD part of the entire ordeal. Irish customs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See,
I’m in a wheelchair. With a porter. I’m exhausted and looking like a wobbling
rubber </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">chicken in my chair. I’ve got a girl from Hong Kong carrying my bags
behind me like a Columbian pack mule.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
wheel up to the customs desk and I look up, waaaaaay up, to the customs officer
towering above me. I meekly hand him my passport up through the hole I can
barely reach and wait for the stamp so I can go through. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But
it did not come.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He
grilled me. GRILLED ME. The woman in a wheelchair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What
was I doing in Ireland?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m here
on business. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Reeeeaaaaaaaalllllly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What
kind of business then?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(what,
dying people in wheelchairs can’t have careers?)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I run
a Chinese media company.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Reaaaaaallllyyyyy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(what,
white people can’t run Chinese media companies?)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
what are you doing in Ireland with the company then?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m
setting up an Irish office.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Where?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Malahide.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Where
in Malahide?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You
know Malahide?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Everyone
knows Malahide.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">St.
James Terrace.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh,
nice place. Is it a sea view block?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Number
8?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Number
12 actually, but I’m working on getting Number 10. It’s taking a lot longer
here than I had anticipated.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
how long are you here for?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not
sure yet. But I have chemo again on the 10<sup>th</sup> of April in London.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You
fly to London from Dublin for chemotherapy?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Reeeeeeaaaaaaaalllly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(dude,
I’m dying. Just let me through!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I see
you are here quite often.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yes,
business. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
who is this? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Zoe.
She one of our staff members, and is helping me get back to Ireland.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(seriously.
He barely looked at her passport, and didn’t ask her a thing. The silent girl
from Hong Kong. But oh no, quiz the Canadian woman dying in a wheelchair like
the freaking gestapo)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMUyprWyjrkRQJg40CJJ89uHo5d_4YLOANLCAnoedPZeX1Ubxp2GepIlBld52Nm8FYpZUCAa0O7ODFyORj3gVpHItSAgMnDk86D53gP61aupdxjFVODrxaO3kkkZEK-5OqIsdTfKbRNkg/s1600/fuckery+department.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMUyprWyjrkRQJg40CJJ89uHo5d_4YLOANLCAnoedPZeX1Ubxp2GepIlBld52Nm8FYpZUCAa0O7ODFyORj3gVpHItSAgMnDk86D53gP61aupdxjFVODrxaO3kkkZEK-5OqIsdTfKbRNkg/s1600/fuckery+department.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He
finally let me through, Zoe in tow and I was wheeled out like a rocket (is this
some sort of porter race? Zoe was literally running behind us) to my waiting
husband in Arrivals, who took one look at me in the wheelchair and burst out
laughing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In a
loving way, of course.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He
laughed even harder when I stuck to my method and made a big show of struggling
to my feet (granted, they weren’t working properly) and zombie shuffling over
to him. He humored my show, like the world’s greatest husband, and dramatically
supported me as I leaned on him and he dragged me away from the porter, away
from the fellow passengers and to the car park where I could again walk
normally, even stretching and carrying luggage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img alt="spoilers animated GIF " src="http://media.giphy.com/media/NFEiD362N6tkk/giphy.gif" height="169" width="400" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Like
a boss.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sigh.
And now we get to do it again on the Ferry in a couple of weeks. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">FML.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-73143321629053122032015-03-07T14:32:00.001-08:002015-03-07T14:32:13.110-08:00Taking one for the team - the Irish swimming incident<div style="text-align: center;">
<img height="295" src="https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQh5u5fxa8jBLmlTnhWBYLxKgmdhLMK6ujTgSsqX2IZ2URGbDZdYw" width="400" /></div>
<br />
So, that didn't quite go as planned.<br />
<br />
We've just recently arrived in Ireland and the girls have been wanting to go swimming. This is fine, but we don't know where any pools are.<br />
<br />
This is also fine, but Google Maps are useless when all the place names sound like you are just making up words.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img height="271" src="http://assets3.thrillist.com/v1/image/973160/size/tl-horizontal_main/the-14-most-ridiculously-named-places-in-the-world" width="400" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Google told us on Tuesday that there was a pool 'by the airport', so we packed up the kids after school one day and off we went. They were hella-excited.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Yet it was about after our 8th wrong turn that our sat-nav crapped itself and died.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img height="299" src="http://www.signspotting.com/wp-content/main/2011_12/35102_407291055957_662175957_4588854_3733978_n.jpg" width="400" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Okay, but we'd organized a swimming lesson, and it was due to start in 6 minutes. Round and round we went up and down the motorway looking for this mythcal swimming complex with NO SIGNAGE WHATSOEVER. I called the pool to tell them we were running late and to hold the twins' spots. 'No problem!' the guy said (I think that's what he said. I am REALLY struggling with the accents here).</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://kthadani.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/accent-truth.gif" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
We drove on, the resuscitated sat-nav showing us that glorious checkered flag just up ahead. Triumphant, we pulled up into the nearest parking stall and all bolted out of the car, towels and goggle straps flapping behind us in the wind. We burst through the doors staggering and exhausted-</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ln683cr9u11qe5mcuo1_500.gif" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
shouting 'WHERE IS THE POOL?!?'</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
We were in a bowling alley.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="https://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lx5q7hE97v1qcwsd8o1_500.gif" /></div>
<br />
Okay kids, not going swimming today. Sorry.<br />
<br />
They took it... well.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://bitacoreando.com/wp-content/media/LOLcats/04/funny-pictures-dramatic-cat-asks-where-the-sting-of-death-is.jpg" /></div>
<br />
<br />
But to make it up to them we told them we would go swimming this weekend. We were totally prepared this time. We'd Google-mapped it, we'd sat-nav'd it, we'd studied maps online, we even called ahead to make sure that they had public swim that afternoon. I went so far as to make sure we had cash on us just in case their card machine was broken. I'd planned for EVERYTHING. We were going to find this &%king mythical place.<br />
<br />
And we did - we did! We found the ALSAA swimming pool INSIDE the freaking airport drop-off area. Random, but okay. Alright kids, let's go SWIMMING!<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img height="266" 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" 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The maintenance guy stopped us about half-way to the front door. Pool's closed now, some guy got sick and completely DOMINATED the entire pool. It's right now being drained.</div>
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<img height="222" src="http://mrwgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/Sebastian-Omg-Jaw-Drop-In-The-Little-Mermaid.gif" width="400" /></div>
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also</div>
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<img src="http://gifsec.com/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/07/disgusted-face-GIF.gif" /></div>
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Okay. Well then. The maintenance guy then gave us directions to another pool nearby. IRISH directions. Down past the flyover, third exit past the roundabout, keep going until you pass a blue hotel with a graveyard on the left, right, right, 1st left, right, straight through the lights and then you're grand.</div>
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Sorry, what?</div>
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We found it (eventually) and ran in, just like last time.</div>
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And it was a lovely pool. A new sport complex of some sort, where you can leave your kids in a ballpit for an hour while you play squash. The pool was huge with a waterslide and a hot tub.</div>
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PERFECT! We cried.</div>
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Oh. There's a 215 euro membership fee to use the pool.</div>
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<img src="http://img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140807142421/legomessageboards/images/9/98/Back_Away_Slowly.gif" /></div>
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Okay, seriously? SERIOUSLY? We just want to take the kids swimming! A staff caught us on the way out, telling us that there is a public pool in a close-by town, maybe 15 minutes away. </div>
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Ballymun Rec Center.</div>
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We were off!</div>
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And then we found out what Ballymun is.</div>
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<img src="http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/22/224981a0e67e58724c1d4609f67c72d4475ec510dfaad508b72570f233619f60.jpg" /></div>
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Oh... oh my God. This was... something else. </div>
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<img height="266" src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7248/7129124973_5c59d8e513_b.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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After driving around in what seemed identical to the Tower Hamlets of London we found the rec centre, which was brand new and absolutely stunning. Paul didn't feel comfortable leaving the car unguarded so I left the kids with him and jumped out to go see if there was public swimming today.</div>
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There was, and the pool looked incredible! Waterslides! A wave pool! Huge kids area! Awesome!</div>
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I ran back out to the car giving Paul the thumbs up and thinking to get the kids out to run in for a quick swim when I saw Paul's face in the car staring a message into my eyes:</div>
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<img src="https://feedmeinbooks.files.wordpress.com/2015/02/umm-no-gif.gif" /></div>
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I cautiously got into the car. 'What? This place looked great? What's wrong with it?'</div>
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'Well honey, the pool may be nice but a group of teenagers saw our British plates and yelled at me to go home, and there's a guy over there that took his pitbull into his front yard and stood there staring at me with his hand in his pants, masterbating. This may be a nice pool, but it's also a stab pool.'</div>
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Aaaaaaaaaand that will hopefully be the last we ever see of Ballymun.</div>
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Alright. Google says there's a pool in Finskal. Or something. It's that way - let's go!</div>
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We arrived at our next destination, the <i>fourth</i> pool of the day, desperate and hopeless. I JUST wanted to take my kids swimming, four hours ago. I practically dragged myself over to the reception, and asked for the fourth time that day 'Do you have public swim on?' </div>
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They did! They Did! Holy crap - really? Fantastic! There's no membership fee? My car won't be on blocks when I get out? The pool isn't being drained? PERFECT!</div>
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I even kept my maniacal smile as a large, hairy, soaking wet man in black swim trunks came racing out of the pool yelling something in a ridiculously strong Irish accent at the 6 staff at reception before barreling out the front door and into the street screaming madly.</div>
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Swimming for four please! I bought our tickets, even though there were only 30 minutes left until the pool closed. I. Didn't. Care. Running, I arrived back at the parking lot to find the crazy half-naked swimmer guy holding on to and screaming at 5 young teenage boys <u>directly behind our car</u>. Like, practically shoving these kids up against the back of our car. More adults had come running to either defend the kids or help them out - I. Didn't. Care.</div>
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Paul was in shock as I opened the door, declared the pool open and hauled the kids outside (no Kaitie, go INFRONT of the car please!), grabbed our swimming stuff and took off running. Paul stayed back to make sure the car was okay.</div>
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We BOOKED it, and got through the change room AND toilets with 4 year old twins in some sort of world record time. We were all so excited, we made it! We MADE IT! We stepped into the pool with their waterwings and the two of them holding on to me in triumph and glee - </div>
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and then Lochie puked in the pool.</div>
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<img height="326" src="http://i.neoseeker.com/mgv/367859/859/95/pokemon_emerald_81_display.gif" width="400" /></div>
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Okay, I'm not proud of this bit, but I just couldn't have handled having this fourth pool closed because of US. I just couldn't. It wasn't <i>that</i> much puke. Just like, a handful, really. I could just... scoop it up without anyone noticing. </div>
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And so I stood there, with Kaitie happily paddling around me while I held Lochie with one hand and her handful of puke in the other - as she turned and filled my swimsuit top with the rest of her lunch.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-811841452096553092015-01-30T05:42:00.002-08:002015-01-30T05:50:27.715-08:00The Nylons Incident (and why I will never be a girly girl. Or socially competent)<div style="text-align: center;">
<img height="320" src="https://img1.etsystatic.com/000/0/5199952/il_570xN.189735481.jpg" width="239" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alright. So we had a work-do last night, and the requirements were to 'dress to impress'. Obviously my usual clothing style of 'homeless person at a funeral with sneakers' did not fit this criteria, so I dug deep within our already packed closets (read: Paul dug deep within his carefully packed closets and suitcases) and pulled out my one, my only, my favourite... my little black dress. </span></div>
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<img src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/e9/72/8a/e9728aee46e489836b096bd1c8160b34.jpg" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This dress has served me well over the last 5 years.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was my brother in law's graduation little black dress:</span></div>
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<img height="265" src="https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/263645_10150204210602237_3764035_n.jpg?oh=f25ac81a7667d5fa1f17893bf1bb6952&oe=5520B905" width="400" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was one of my best friend's wedding little black dress:</span></div>
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<img height="640" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/308898_10150910141710454_858353630_n.jpg?oh=5f5f14df7975c1fdd96079377b555e77&oe=5558A7DA&__gda__=1432022793_7cebdcedf6d825f6cf3211afb5563e41" width="478" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This little black dress saw me through parties and Cambridge dinners and just about every other lovely London event since having the kids. The dress hasn't changed and remains wonderful.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The <i>body</i> not so much.</span></div>
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<img src="http://media.giphy.com/media/6XSRcWXvY7xNS/giphy.gif" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Honestly, the dress is okay. The dress still fits, though it a little bit tight. Not too bad. My issue yesterday wasn't the dress. It was the nylons.</span></div>
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<img src="http://images.forwallpaper.com/files/thumbs/preview/39/397776__nylons-for-men_p.jpg" height="198" width="400" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See, you have to understand that this isn't really my fault. The steroid medication I'm on causes Cushings Syndrome, which creates benign tumors and bloats around your face, back of your shoulders and your middle - giving you the body shape of... say... an egg on sticks. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So if you think about it, there's <i>nothing</i> for the nylon waist to hang on to. I have no waist. None. I have hips, but they're buried somewhere (I know I have them, I've seen them on x-rays). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is fine though, I have extra large nylons, shimmied into them at home, pulled them up somewhere near my chest and completed the outfit with my little black dress, a pair of great knee-high boots and pearls.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Good to go.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The work-do wasn't until the evening, so I went downtown with Paul to an appointment before heading to work in the afternoon. Everything was fine and I looked fantastic. </span></div>
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<img src="http://reactiongif.org/wp-content/uploads/GIF/2014/08/GIF-arrogant-blonde-bored-cocky-dont-care-hair-flip-meh-nonchalance-Paris-Hilton-Unimpressed-whatever-GIF.gif" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After his appointment we walked about 10 minutes back to Victoria Station to each catch our respective tubes. Now, Victoria is a HUGE station in London. I could feel the nylons start to kind of pull down around my boots and bunch around the waist, but no matter. I could fix them when I got to work later.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hungry yet rushed we stopped at a burrito place within the station, each getting a half-wrapped burrito to go full of authentic Mexican goodness - and we were on our way, beginning the slow walk through the station to the underground entrance. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'd taken only a few bites of my burrito when I stopped, frozen in my tracks. I looked at Paul with horror on my face and told him I needed to find a bathroom, stat.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"What?!" he choked out having thrown his head back in laughter "you <i>just</i> took a bite. It can't be affected <i>that</i> fast!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No Paul, no. I explained to him that it wasn't the burrito. It was the nylons.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They had started... <i>the death roll</i>.</span></div>
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<img src="http://blog.zixcorp.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/1.-Liz-lemon-Oh-No.gif" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The waistband of the nylons had somehow bunched just enough to form a perfect cord-like cylinder around my middle, rolling down in sharp, sudden 1/2 inch waves of suspense, stalking down my torso in a slow but inevitable escape. It was like being cornered down a long dark alleyway in a horror movie, the killer scraping his meat cleaver along the brick walls as he slowly ambles along toward you with the knowledge that there will be no escape.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Holding my half-eaten burrito in one hand and using my other to inconspicuously (so consipcuously) hold up my nylons at the point of my hip under my coat I pleadingly looked around for a washroom sign - though none was to be found. Paul saw that my anxiety and panic had reached the point of a hyped up gazelle and led the way through the station as I hurried along keeping my legs as straight as possible so as not to encourage further death-rolling behind him, in desperate search of the station washroom.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He found it - pointing a short way away. It was a pay-to-use public toilet (augh!) and I had nothing. Paul came up with a 50 pence coin and I bolted, trying to hold up the nylons by clenching my thighs together and walking with my knees touching, feet apart as fast as I could.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So there I was, desperately lurching toward the loos with my knees pressed together, apparently hiking up my dress with one hand and holding a half eaten burrito in the other. The nylons had reached crisis point and with a violent, shuddering effort of a roll had overcome the peak of my mid-section and were now free-rolling down my hips and toward the top of my thighs. Another minute and they would be <i>below coat line, </i>and wait, what was that? Oh God, no. They had gotten hold of my underwear and were pulling those down too. Oh no. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No no no no no.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I imagined the nylons building up enough rolling pressure to suddenly sling-shot themselves and my comfy (ahem. Granny) underwear right down over my boots, and if <i>that</i> happened publicly there would be no recovering. I would just have to light myself on fire.</span></div>
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<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOOC5lE_ziiHU3VWUZlcIvmrbTwxgy-_mZp-pTtjrIQvJuhFKmoeqcXRFTCFJpmG2K3zweybkbRisTEIMZtDDpVWI5hbekr3Wjfvk6L7f3nNYDTalY2g1qcBIE54OO6DwWYBdrNkdZWtI/s320/IMG_4175.JPG" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I scrambled toward the turnstiles, already drawing attention from the crowd. The first machine spit my 50 pence coin straight back at me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Huh?! I lurched over to the next turnstile, clutching my nylons and pressing my thighs together hard enough to make a diamond. The next one wouldn't take my coin either. What the hell was going on? I looked up at the sign again - the stupid things only took 10 and 20 p coins, and needed a total of 30p! WHO KEEPS CHANGE LIKE THAT IN THEIR BAG ANYMORE?!?!?</span></div>
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<img src="http://howsitgoingehblog.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/fe510-funny-gif-kid-face.gif?w=340&h=206" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So there I was, thighs pressed together and feet wide, hunched down to hide the nylons of death that were trolling down my legs, my eyes wet with tears of desperation and a half-eaten Mexican burrito in my hand (I'll be shocked if the CCTV doesn't end up on youtube at some point) and audibly pleading with the turnstile to take my coin while I debated just trying to jump over the damn thing - when a woman popped some coins into the turnstile and told me to run for it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I did! I burst through the turnstile like a champ</span></div>
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<img src="https://31.media.tumblr.com/2fc3c62c578efc123edc0582350336d3/tumblr_inline_mplz5gvvNY1qz4rgp.gif" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">barreled down the stairs</span></div>
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<img src="http://www.doseoffunny.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/guy-falling-down-stairs-gif.gif" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and strangled those nylons back into submission, hiking them up as far as they would possibly go.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Pleased with myself I exited the washroom like nothing happened, rejoined Paul and got onto the tube to go to work. All was good again in my world. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Until I sat down at the next stop and felt a familiar tugging around my waist.</span></div>
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<img src="http://www.survivingcollege.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Eyes-Wide-Open-Joey-Panic-College-Party.gif" /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-15626146422258703472015-01-24T16:33:00.000-08:002015-01-24T16:48:36.091-08:00Feline evil is apparently quite contagious<div style="text-align: center;">
<img height="301" src="https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQxsDPTRDCcoewKeuCjDu-8e-Q1eqkvKgyFx4GXcJGUTWOG1mVSgQ" width="400" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You know that point in life when you sit back and realize that you are finally in a place in which you can get what you WANT, not what you <i>should</i> get? Like when you buy a new car off the lot with all the perks instead of buying your aunt's decades old rusted out Ford that you have to push start? Or when you purchase your own high speed fibre optic internet for your home instead of trading weird and borderline inappropriate favours with your neighbor for their wireless password? Or when you finally buy your very own pair of designer jeans instead of borrowing a pair from a friend and then avoiding her for two years?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, we did it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After having pined over one for nearly 15 years, we got a kitten. Not just ANY kitten though, we got... a Maine Coon.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After coming to the realization that this was not the type of cat to end up in a shelter we did something we never, ever, EVER thought we would do - we <i>bought</i> a kitten. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are more likely to be the one trying to re-home a box of kittens in front of a Walmart than the ones to <i>buy</i> a kitten (took in a stray cat in -40. She had kittens 3 hours later). Our dog was a Chinese street dog covered in fleas and abused. We think he's some kind of shihtsu (more shit than tsu, though), and he's not happy about the new arrival.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dermot the Chinese Kitchen Cat is even less amused, and rotates between glowering at us from above like a fiendish gargoyle and ignoring us like a sullen teenager. We've explained his own origin story (rescued from a Chinese restaurant menu at 4 weeks old in Dongguan) but he still shows no appreciation whatsoever.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(that's him in the back on his way to steal Christmas)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So it's not necessary to elaborate that these two aren't happy about the kitten.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Although I don't think it helped that the cat we bought was feral and diseased as f%&k.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj38kt5yvasaw-7L4gfndBEY6_eovD5QPk5nQYsVyQqQgXUBX7XupEQyU9QLqfqp-hD53SSx6MGON5Hj3QpoE_-dkkLkV2I6sD1IIxNHc_ndYR-aYyb9ww8wWgZpGPHRQb8bmwS5V5dF3k/s1600/unnamed+(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj38kt5yvasaw-7L4gfndBEY6_eovD5QPk5nQYsVyQqQgXUBX7XupEQyU9QLqfqp-hD53SSx6MGON5Hj3QpoE_-dkkLkV2I6sD1IIxNHc_ndYR-aYyb9ww8wWgZpGPHRQb8bmwS5V5dF3k/s1600/unnamed+(1).jpg" height="297" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There was something seriously wrong with this cat. It was very expensive and we had driven 1.5 hours just to collect her. The poor thing looked like it needed to be put down so instead of doing the normal thing and walking away we took her home - love cures all, right?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was far too late when we realized that the saying is 'love cures <i>people</i>', not <i>cats.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This wasn't a cat that we got, it was something else. It's ears were stuffed with what looked like coffee grounds. One eye was swollen and infected shut. It's coat was covered in an oil-like substance, it was near skeletal and my GOD did it stink The gas coming out of that tiny cat could drop a moose! 1.5 hours of holding this tiny, feral, tear-gas farting cat with all of the windows cracked in the rain. We got it home, introduced it to its litter box and OH MY GOD THAT CANNOT BE NATURAL. Our other cat wouldn't even go <i>near </i> the litter box to cover up that bomb. It permeated throughout the house like a department store perfume aisle, saturating our clothes, our skin and our souls. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Despite its' near death demeanor and scent of infected skunk it seemed to actually be a pretty sweet kitten. We went so far as to let the kids name it (Princess Zelda, the only Princess name we could all agree on) and we took to the task of cleaning this thing up.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We brushed. We soaped. We plucked. We wiped. We trimmed. We pulled hunks of black coffee grinds out of its ears like you wouldn't believe. We cleansed this 'cat' in every conceivable way.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the end we dropped a small fortune at the vet, coming back with ear cleaner, ear drops, eye drops and antibiotics. After a few days, the kitten was starting to turn a corner.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Pleased with ourselves, we took all three back to the vet for their pet passport shots. Yet this is where it all went downhill. It turns out that our feral kitten had somehow infected Dermot and Huar Huar with it's feralness. Empty out your bank account and take this boatload of pet medication home with you - good luck with that. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Deflated, we gathered up our diseased, furious assorted pets and kids and made our way back through the pet store. This is difficult enough being so outnumbered but much worse when your adult brains are occupied with how this is going to delay your pre-planned international move in a few weeks. I carried 'stinky' (Kitten's nickname) with both hands in a large blue lego box (don't judge me, we were there to buy a second carrier as well!), covered in sweat and panting from the ordeal of holding down my dog for a shot earlier. Lochlynn carried the assorted meds like a Columbian drug mule behind me and Kaitie held the leash, trying to wrangle Huar Huar away from peeing on everything in the store at ankle height. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And Paul? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Paul was busy with Satan. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dermot screeched and yowled and cursed and tore apart the internal lining of his carrier in a rage so violent that it swung the carrier through the aisles as Paul struggled to hold on. Orange fur spurt out from between the bars like a molting explosion and claws came through gaps at will, lunging for Paul's skin and vital organs with claws outstreched and reaching for sweet vengence. He was out for blood, snorting and spitting inside that wild cat carrier like we'd shoved him in there with a cobra. It couldn't get worse - the sweat had mixed with the flying orange fur leaving us haggard and weary, the kids were tangled in the dog and my lego-box was mewing pitifully. Paul was fighting his way down the aisle with the possessed cat carrier out in front of him at arms' length like an ebola sample...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And we walked into a family from the kids' school. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Of course. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Awwwwkward.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So. All in all it could be worse. Kitty is now doing remarkably well.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dermot is <i>not pleased</i> about having to take medication. Our Dermot-pill daily gear consists of heavy coats, gardening gloves, a syringe of water, a towel, a quick hand and prayer.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And Huar Huar is still an idiot. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Part I - time for your pill!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Part II - may as well fight him for it</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There really wasn't any more than we could do but to just get out of the house for a few hours for a breather (and to get away from Kitty's noxious fumes) - to take the kids to their first Drag Show, of course.</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-25600689303557605732015-01-04T11:58:00.000-08:002015-08-16T11:05:03.079-07:00Tiny toilet brushes and straight-up lies<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had a fairly weird moment today when I I walked into the eye hospital and came out an hour later with much more pain and injury than when I went in.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I woke up this morning with a throbbing pain in my face and eye - the same side that often paralyses. Highly concerned, we slept in, went for coffee, took the kids to the park, visited a friend and then I headed over to the eye hospital to get things checked out - as you do.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A frustration I have is that this is often my experience - in London of all places with the distance of a good hour and a half between each one:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Have red, painful, swollen Zombie Eyes:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Go to my GP: Your case is too complicated for care in the community. You need to go to the hospital.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Go to the hospital: Your case is too complicated for general eye-care. You need to go to the Eye Hospital.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Go to the Eye Hospital: Your case is too complicated for just opthalmology care. You need to go to the hospital.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sigh. You have to start somewhere, right? So off to the eye hospital I went with my swollen, puffy red eye to get it checked out. An opthalmologist saw me right away, given the file they have on me there, and confirmed that it wasn't a new flare of uveitis but instead seems to be some sort of viral infection - probably something minor that had been compounded by my suppressed immune system. Not to worry, here are some eye drops, the nurse will take a quick swab so we can get it checked out further and you will be on your way.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Great, right?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I go over to the 'procedure chair' - kind of like a dentist's chair in the middle of the examination room. A student nurse welcomes me into the chair and makes sure I'm comfortable - as his training nurse arrived to see how I was doing. She was <i>lovely</i>. </span></div>
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<img height="240" src="https://kleenslate.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/KS_Nurse.jpg" width="320" /></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Chatty, friendly and kind, she took the student nurse through the motions and prepared some sort of swab kit. No big deal, I've had swabs up my nose before - surely an eye swab can't be too different. Completely relaxed I sat back in the dental chair, closed my eyes and rested while I listened to them talking and preparing. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A new voice entered the scene. Gruffer. Kind of aggressive. I heard a "You go on your break, I'll train him on this." bark and then meek footsteps out of the room. I opened my good eye.</span></div>
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<img src="http://lifeasananomaly.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/crazy-nurse1.jpg" /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh God. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Without even introducing herself she leaned my head back, used tissue to pull down my lower eye lid, said 'this won't hurt a bit' and scarred me for life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She took the medical swab</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://i01.i.aliimg.com/img/pb/425/043/368/368043425_859.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">and stuck it in the bottom of my eye, slowly dragging it UNDER my eyeball and through to the other side. I felt as though my eyeball was being sandpapered. HOW IN THE HELL IS THAT NOT PAINFUL??? Even the nursing student jumped back and shouted "WHOA!!" as I twisted and writhed around in the constricting dental chair - unable to escape from this woman's death-grip on my face. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was too much, I finally twisted to the side and let loose a "Wwwwwow that's enough! Holy hell, HOW is that possibly described as 'not hurting a bit'?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nurse Olga said nothing.</span></div>
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<img src="http://www.lostfoundfabulous.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/nurse.jpg" height="220" width="320" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I still gripped the chair emotionally recovering as she busied herself with the sample tray, putting the swab into it's tube and preparing the next one.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Alright. This one is going to feel a bit rougher than the last one."</span></div>
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<img src="http://gatineaunewbornphotography.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/wait-what-gif.gif" /></div>
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<img src="http://cannabisorisnot.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Anchorman.gif" /></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOXL_nswg4OODWqzMxRLeBsONT8KlJB1rj_MBs8yKItQGmMMfwLjfhV4P91eyB9wbiro2UEaTgHQrPrW9ZcKM822JEbT_5Rj1Qs3MtOnnurn1qCu5BQqABX8C7oCxup2TiVAZbdOni744/s1600/Panic.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOXL_nswg4OODWqzMxRLeBsONT8KlJB1rj_MBs8yKItQGmMMfwLjfhV4P91eyB9wbiro2UEaTgHQrPrW9ZcKM822JEbT_5Rj1Qs3MtOnnurn1qCu5BQqABX8C7oCxup2TiVAZbdOni744/s1600/Panic.gif" width="312" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I then did the WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU CAN DO IN THIS SITUATION.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I looked at the 'rough' swab.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ho. Ly. Crap. It looked like a miniature toilet brush covered in tiny white razor blades. This wasn't a nurse, she was a torturist from some former fascist regime.turned British eye hospital nurse. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh my freaking God. I've never felt pain like that. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She pulled down my eyelid again with the tissue and shoved this razorbladetoiletbrush thing INTO MY EYE and slowly scraped it along my swollen, infected lower eyelid. The nursing student turned white as she pressed even harder and muttered to him that she needed to open the skin so she could collect as much blood as possible.</span></div>
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<img src="http://media.giphy.com/media/YCER11t8ZkHqo/giphy.gif" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A high pitched '<span style="font-size: xx-small;">eeeee</span>eeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE' came out of me as I gripped the dentist chair with everything I could. Hands, arms, ankles, calves... bum cheeks.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It just wouldn't end! I felt every excruciating rip as she drug it across the underside of my eyeball. When she made it half-way I literally begged her to stop. I couldn't take any more. </span></div>
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<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhh9mu1v6W1qafrh6.gif" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She sighed in annoyance and pulled it out, handing me a tissue to dab at my dripping eye saying 'don't worry, it's only water.'</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That wasn't water! That is BLOOD! That is MY blood ALL OVER that tissue! What the hell did she DO?? Oh God, the pain. My eye felt SO MUCH WORSE now than when I came into the hospital in the first place. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I snapped a picture of the offending torture devices before I booked it out of there, traumatized for life. </span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGfhNYBafgCwaDgajyKocHXFpJ8cYwoOGwUbM6CLTXcoVL0vbJx9J4Kzt27SUdz_i3dqePJt0JV0-1ZBzPy2EMMUqem17NHivvmUIXidYvyFva1JcLzXGslrOK3HS3Qbr5EMfiGsD8D1o/s1600/swabs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGfhNYBafgCwaDgajyKocHXFpJ8cYwoOGwUbM6CLTXcoVL0vbJx9J4Kzt27SUdz_i3dqePJt0JV0-1ZBzPy2EMMUqem17NHivvmUIXidYvyFva1JcLzXGslrOK3HS3Qbr5EMfiGsD8D1o/s1600/swabs.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I made it out to the street with my eye drops - too scared to jar my eye further by putting them in, and called Paul to relay the horror I had just endured as I made my way over to the train station nearby. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Have you ever had those paranoid moments when it seems like <i>everyone</i> is staring at you?</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I waited for the light and walked across the street, people slowing down to stare at me as they approached and passed me. That was weird, but okay. No big deal. I continued down the street, coming to yet another crosswalk and <i>a London black cab stopped for me</i>. This was a pretty clear indication that something was seriously amiss. Cutting through the Marks & Spencers to get out of the rain I took down my hood and a teenage boy gasped and jumped back at the sight of me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay, what was going on????</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdcz5fgrto1rt2432.gif" /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I found out soon after when a guard at the ticket gate stopped me to ask me if I was okay. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Yes, fine - why?"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Yeah uhm... ah... you've got blood pouring out of your eyeball."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img height="327" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_N69pIoMNpeMPTtL3Ph24Ge6fiPfsJ_YywOx5dCOmTIo4A_P8jKtPJiI6vxm6Gzhc0NQF_1r3MgMLa-fdPFDOm8QcqvL88xU6iv1hUJZseSB8M6AU7Rqredynd1bDzffsi6kKwIXPV-Z2/s400/what-hi.png" width="400" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After freaking out appropriately and accepting some first aid wet-wipes from the ticket guards I boarded the train, humiliated as usual and really just wanting to go home.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfiKhalv-5msX7LZyub-puKJvnAdsmWjBA3IJQ5OjCRmLb0kP1eBEWh6zTKITHzVw20Z1eMyQr2gWgyF2MCEbXVPPvwuzXAcdhnksL_zkvrTEGrb_pMNj1KnBYMrl444JQKgiUv3fmuUs/s1600/image+(16).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfiKhalv-5msX7LZyub-puKJvnAdsmWjBA3IJQ5OjCRmLb0kP1eBEWh6zTKITHzVw20Z1eMyQr2gWgyF2MCEbXVPPvwuzXAcdhnksL_zkvrTEGrb_pMNj1KnBYMrl444JQKgiUv3fmuUs/s1600/image+(16).jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoBx6c5n6gOkndEspMpJo3tjUKwwU4XYXLou_LF7BfEqIROLTpcG6z6TEvTjHVSnK4dJf3q3DXTaOxDZzdxnCGCw3ZXYGBoPoDumBI2nqAQZxr2nFl35wBbnsaAwJkzlJiL7Z0lpIo2N8/s1600/image+(17).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoBx6c5n6gOkndEspMpJo3tjUKwwU4XYXLou_LF7BfEqIROLTpcG6z6TEvTjHVSnK4dJf3q3DXTaOxDZzdxnCGCw3ZXYGBoPoDumBI2nqAQZxr2nFl35wBbnsaAwJkzlJiL7Z0lpIo2N8/s1600/image+(17).jpg" width="240" /></a></span></div>
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<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(no makeup today. I thought it would look way weirder to only have made up one side of my face, though it does look like that's going to have to be my plan for tomorrow.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Awesome.</span></div>
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<img src="http://www.9gag.com.my/pics/t/1934-1.jpg" /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-9673010049225635012014-12-29T13:08:00.001-08:002014-12-29T13:13:47.913-08:00Let it goooooooo! (erm... or not)<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.tickld.com/cdn_image_thing/697097.jpg" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alright, that one hurt. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A lot.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For Christmas Paul gave me a Kindle - my first ever. I immediately loaded it with some new books and charged it up, ready to de-bulk my work bag that's usually holding one or two dog-eared paperbacks that I always blow through before my commute is quite finished, being left with nothing to do but stare creepily at the commuters across from me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxMi00NzU0ZTg1OGVlZjU5MTU0.png" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I'm new to this whole Kindle thing and am so far LOVING how convenient it is. It's so small, so light, so <i>convenient</i>! It's even somewhat discreet (more so than carrying around a Game of Thrones tome on the packed train), and I was able to get properly immersed in a book, reading it on the train, on the platform, on the stairs within the packed herd of commuters, on the escalator, on the sidewalk to work... I'll admit it was getting a tad inappropriate.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was reading it again on my way home this evening, all throughout the tube ride and then out into the street. I saw that I had missed a call from my husband so I called him back - he needed me to stop by Sainsburys to pick up a few things for dinner. No worries, I had my Kindle and could keep reading on my way to the supermarket.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The problem was that the book was actually quite good. </span></div>
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<img src="http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1413410690l/23379321.jpg" /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The book starts off a bit slowly, but picks up to the point that I was completely, utterly and totally inappropriately captivated. Zombified, I shuffled to the supermarket, barely registering the things going on around me. I came through the doors and reached down for a blue basket as though I was on autopilot - still captivated by the building climax of my book.</span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1noFG-Myf8Csn4bogMFSXcLYVX0wUcndUkKCieXE3g4U9spdSXppumoxQ4aXk001m1ZQgmxuan4xCZLpLywZDUIEI8G8e1GkpF-VDqaRRspb7w7LossJ-6ZQZuqmAo4wDVp17YCL7VKY/s1600/baskets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1noFG-Myf8Csn4bogMFSXcLYVX0wUcndUkKCieXE3g4U9spdSXppumoxQ4aXk001m1ZQgmxuan4xCZLpLywZDUIEI8G8e1GkpF-VDqaRRspb7w7LossJ-6ZQZuqmAo4wDVp17YCL7VKY/s1600/baskets.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was so engrossed in this part of the book as it built and built and couldn't get worse that I hadn't noticed that there was something slightly off about my basket. It <i>felt</i> a tiny bit heavier, but whatever. I made my way through the aisles, holding my basket with the pinky and ring finger of my left hand and clutching the Kindle with the same hand, positioned and gripped on top of the basket as I read hungrily, pulling items off of shelves with my right hand and staring at my Kindle. The supermarket sound system was playing 'Let it Go', which was a bit weird</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I got to the soy milk right during the 'big reveal' - and in disgust I audibly gasped 'That bitch!' and threw down the soy milk into the basket, hard.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That's when things went South, fast. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It turns out that there was another basket stuck to the bottom of mine, which I hadn't noticed. The slamming of the basket with the soy milk dislodged this stowaway basket and it dropped with a thud to the floor in-front of me. I was still engrossed in the book and looked down to see what had dropped as I simultaneously tried to step over it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Have you ever tried to change the size of a step mid-air? Once you've already started the step? You've already committed to a certain distance, there's no physical way to successfully change it in mid-air. You just can't. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I tried.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I saw it all happening in slow motion - my foot landed just shy of over the basket, stepping completely onto the far edge of the basket and causing it to flip over with the other side of the basket crashing into the back of my knee. My knee buckled and I went down, slowly and almost in an upright position with my legs collapsing under me like a wobbly, flailing octopus. My basket went flying - soy milk and cottage cheese flying through the air. My airborne basket hit a child and I was nearly down, but tried to save myself by grabbing on to the metal racks of milk jugs, swinging around the side of it like a stripper pole and now wearing the offending stowaway basket like an oversized blue plastic boot.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was one of those epic falls.</span></div>
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<img src="http://i.imgur.com/QHrgt.gif" /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Panting and in shock I struggled to my feet just as Elsa was gearing up for her high note - </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<img src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/543e990e68a810c656bee72360064e12/tumblr_mxemcpmKVS1sq85i2o3_500.gif" /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And a guy walked past, who had seen the entire thing, and announced to the crowd of onlookers:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Now <i>she</i> let it go!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<img src="https://31.media.tumblr.com/a74529ee848982855c52cbc2b80f2c45/tumblr_inline_ngu6hx6yS11s5n8zj.gif" /><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm... uhh... I'm going to put the Kindle away now.</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-38133892368033295252014-12-21T03:33:00.001-08:002014-12-21T16:20:36.433-08:00The Sweater X-Ray Incident<div style="text-align: left;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzuBeB4dGyNSccUN6q1ZdbmjaWyi8BxZT2lXSz7T4yuCCDMUzqQHYDZpIzpesd2Sv9XydWF5YDJ237r8jTWoLHYkVn_n35pyyXcX73UkqL_XkjAeCqWJihaYfrAUYlUtiIrnpoKU6F8gI/s1600/download.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzuBeB4dGyNSccUN6q1ZdbmjaWyi8BxZT2lXSz7T4yuCCDMUzqQHYDZpIzpesd2Sv9XydWF5YDJ237r8jTWoLHYkVn_n35pyyXcX73UkqL_XkjAeCqWJihaYfrAUYlUtiIrnpoKU6F8gI/s1600/download.jpg" height="304" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's really not easy to screw up an X-ray as a patient, other than wiggling around or hiccuping when they tell you to hold your breath. This though, was one for the record books.</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">The X-Ray Sweater Incident</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It never ceases to amaze me that medical
professionals continue to fail to understand just how heebie-jeebie inducing
IV’s are, especially if I have to walk around and <i>do </i>stuff with that thing in. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So the cannula went in, just inside my elbow –
rendering my arm completely useless and my elbow unable to bend for fear of
ripping out the needle and gushing blood all over the floor and walls like a
scene from a horror film. I was then
directed to go for a chest X-ray all the way across the hospital – which was
fine, it isn’t like I had anything better to do and a little walk would be
nice. So off I went, babying my arm as though any wrong move might cause it to
fall off. I couldn’t even <i>look </i>at the
cannula.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWkmT_1wIIrouUkNSLR643bhAOJDXvwFcEpHx7K58h6DvSceXm1xuChyphenhyphenDufcvbSbxOFk6fJdp44u8Tq38HF6WFv0bgliHznV0JhhALzs6MNaSBfzlDcg7DLzbYNH8nGa-4yN5U4XyCiJdT/s320/Mr+Burns+Needle.bmp" height="237" width="320" /></span></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I made it down to X-ray having had a pretty good time
watching other people notice my arm in the elevator. People give you a wide
berth when you’ve got those things and are wandering around freely – like they
are afraid of a spraying incident as well. The radiologist led me away from the
gawking crowd and to an area in the back lined with teeny tiny little yellow
cubicles, each with a small bench and a door that doesn’t quite reach the floor
<i>or</i> the ceiling. I’ll just say right
here that the radiologist was a rather handsome young Australian and I wasn’t
the only woman in there blushing. He handed me a gown and gestured to a
cubicle. I was to take everything off from the waist up, including my necklace
and then wait for him to come get me for my chest X-ray. No biggie, I can do
this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But the cannula was still in. How was I to get my
shirt (and necklace) off without bending my arm? My bra I could do. I’ve done
the great bra extraction under a sweater before, easy-peasy. But I couldn’t
undo the strap in the back with only one hand. No matter, I would figure that
out later – as I would have to figure my necklace out later as well. On to step
one, getting out of this sweater.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I looked at the IV. I can <i>totally</i> do this. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I pulled on the sleeve of my immovable IV arm, trying
to pull the sweater off in an attempt to back out of it slowly and surely,
until I bumped into the side of the cubicle. I didn’t have a lot of space to do
this and am not a small woman by any measure. Okay, change of plans, other arm
first. I used my un-bendable arm to grip the sleeve of my good arm, holding it
tight as I began again to back out of the sweater from the other side. It
wasn’t budging. I pulled harder, still not gaining much ground. Gritting my
teeth and letting loose a deep, guttural growl I gave a final violent tug and
slammed myself into the side of the cubicle again. Gasps were heard from the
cubicles beside me as well as the seating area across the way. A woman loudly
asked me if I was alright and I responded that I was totally fine, nothing to
worry about! Thanks!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Clearly I was lying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was stood there in my jeans with one arm
successfully out of my sweater and the liberated sleeve flapping around my head
like a wet noodle, panting heavily from the effort. I heard the radiologist in
his beautiful Aussie drawl call in the woman in the cubicle next to me- I was
running out of time. I had to keep going. Still I could not bend the IV arm,
but I had to get this damn thing off! How hard could it be to just take off a
sweater? I made to pull it over my head in a graceful swoop when everything
suddenly became very dark and very tight. I had one arm free and the other, the
unbendable arm, was pinned straight up in the air, wedged between my head and
the sweater that was now stuck around my chest, shoulders and face. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg52Rg_58Ay-yPZRVidrZiDIAXJHsKBUj2HCWRv3JPgKgpMf-y6CvrhYXr29bszve7VLOdFxOZsTTLIzi2hE6Sb9-fkzeiuYcjOBshS1nh9ZrArzMl5zmTst5NO5H-msqSFSpO83HQ8PkQ/s1600/dumb_kid_stuck_in_a_chair-18546.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg52Rg_58Ay-yPZRVidrZiDIAXJHsKBUj2HCWRv3JPgKgpMf-y6CvrhYXr29bszve7VLOdFxOZsTTLIzi2hE6Sb9-fkzeiuYcjOBshS1nh9ZrArzMl5zmTst5NO5H-msqSFSpO83HQ8PkQ/s1600/dumb_kid_stuck_in_a_chair-18546.jpg" height="261" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I tugged. I pulled. Did this sweater somehow get <i>smaller</i>?! I realized something was
seriously wrong as I grasped frantically with my one free arm at the sweater. I
was trying desperately to pull it over my head to release myself from the
sweater of death. I was sweating hard and panting like I was doing calisthenics
in there. The radiologist returned to knock on my door, asking me if I was
alright and did I need any help? I quickly bent my knees so that he couldn’t
see my straight unbendable arm stuck up above the space in the door and told
him that I just needed a few more minutes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was going to die in there. There would be no
turning back. The sweater would have to be cut off of my body and I would have
to ride the tube home in a hospital gown top. I became frantic, reaching around
behind me only to find that the sweater had become hooked on my bra strap – and
that I couldn’t unhook it with only one arm. Even if I could bend my IV arm and
risk a CSI blood-spray crime scene in an X-ray cubicle there was no way I was
getting it away from my ear. I looked at the IV line to see that the tube was
quickly filling with dark red blood, was it <i>supposed
</i>to do that? I felt woozy now – I needed to sit down. No, I needed to get
this sweater <i>off</i> of me, then I could
sit down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I pulled. I tugged. I banged into walls and turned
around in circles – all with a gaping audience watching my dancing arm flailing
above the cubicle door and hearing my panicked breathing grow quicker and quicker.
I was like an anxiety-riddled squirrel in there – at one point I audibly
pleaded with the sweater. I was sweating profusely, causing the sweater to
stick to my skin and feel even more like I was being eaten by a wooly anaconda.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alright. I had worked up enough of a sweat. The
radiologist has come back and I again declined his offer of help. An X-ray
isn’t worth this, abort! Abort! If the sweater wasn’t going to come off I could
at least get it back on and leave with a shred of dignity. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I slowly and painstakingly worked my arm back into
the flapping sleeve of my sweater, gaining inch by inch until my wrist poked
through to cool, breezy freedom with the plan of then spreading my arms and
forcing the sweater back down. This plan would have worked had the thing not
then caught on my necklace. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh, this was so, so much worse. I still had my IV arm
stuck up by my ear, my head was still covered in sweater, I had one breast in
the sweater and one wedged under it and now my only good arm was caught, elbow
bent, also around my ear. I was stuck in every sense of the word and my cannula
tube was full of my own blood. There was
no turning back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I gently leaned forward toward the door, rapped it
with my elbow and managed to squeak out a humiliated and defeated “help please”
to whoever was out there. A moment of silence until a gentle rap was returned
on my cubicle door as a sweet voice called out “how can we help you love?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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" 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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She fetched the outstandingly hot radiologist for me
and brought him to my door. My arms were stuck, they would need someone from
maintenance to bring a special key to let me out, could I just sit tight? So I
sat down on my little bench with my arms pinned above my head, staring at the
only thing in my line of vision – the cannula full of my blood. I started to
feel woozy again and called for a nurse as well. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The kind women waiting across from the cubicles
chatted to me through the door, as all they could see of me were my feet and my
one hand stuck up above the door. They were sweet, but I could hear the
giggles. I don’t even know how this kind of thing can happen, it just did. The
radiologist returned with a maintenance man and a nurse and the three of them
opened my door and burst into laughter, tears pouring down the hot radiologists’
face as he and the nurse attempted to liberate me from my sweater. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mdj5ymDC5I1r529ae.gif" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The necklace was really caught on the arm of the
sweater and it was decided that the only way to get me out of it was to first
remove the cannula line, but that couldn’t be done in the cubicle. Together
they wrapped me in a gown and guided me, past the gawking waiting room, into
the x-ray room so I could lay down on the table to make this easier for
everybody. Warning me that she was doing
this blind, the nurse reached into the depths of the sweater to remove the
cannula without actually being able to see it. For a needle-phobe like me the
entire concept of anyone playing with a cannula line in my arm without being
able to look at what they are doing is horrifying, but I was so humiliated and
desperate to get out of that hot sweater that I didn’t care. I was so grateful
to have that thing out that I barely noticed the blood running down my arm and
dripping onto the table. I didn’t care, I was nearly free. The hot radiologist
and nurse unhooked my sweater from my bra and necklace and with a mighty final
heave pulled it off of my head. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I lay there, half naked and panting in the gloriously
cool air on the cold, hard X-ray table, freed at last from the sweater of
death.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<img src="http://memeguy.com/photos/images/while-walking-my-dog-i-came-across-a-woman-standing-next-to-a-toppled-over-bike-her-sweater-had-this-95482.jpg" height="299" width="400" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I got back upstairs, nearly an hour later, my
chemotherapy nurse asked me why my cannula had been taken out. I told her that
she was bound to hear about it later and just scurried back to my chair,
burying my face into my book and gearing up for a second IV to be put in again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m <i>clearly</i>
going to have to change hospitals.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Again.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<img src="http://d.gr-assets.com/books/1400769117l/22291461.jpg" /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Sweater Incident is an excerpt from Prescription for Disaster: The funny side of falling apart - the perfect book for that special sickly someone always stuck in a hospital this Christmas season!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Prescription-Disaster-funny-falling-apart/dp/1499595719/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1419161557&sr=8-1&keywords=candace+lafleur">http://www.amazon.com/Prescription-Disaster-funny-falling-apart/dp/1499595719/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1419161557&sr=8-1&keywords=candace+lafleur</a></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-79951099438642733732014-12-05T02:20:00.001-08:002014-12-05T08:03:27.676-08:00The Exorcist CRV Incident<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://funnyasduck.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/funny-bird-shit-crap-car-hood-hope-ok-pics.jpg" height="400" width="290" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sometimes
I really doubt myself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
honestly sit back on my heels and wonder, usually when I’m catching some sort
of projectile bodily fluid with my bare hands, how other parents deal with
these things. Maybe I’ve missed a manual somewhere along the way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
I’ve asked. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
asked a good friend Janine. Oh for sure, she’s had her own incidents with her
son. They just don’t quite escalate the way things do with me. Such as the poo
slingshot diaper incident following which she came to live with me and my
children for a week out of pity, and to make sure we survived.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve
asked Natalie, who works with young children and trains people to work with
young children. “Nope. That’s all you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve
asked Liane – a psychotherapist. “Definitely you,” she said, “though you see
the world a bit differently than most (agreed). Still not sure why these things
keep happening to you though.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://funnystack.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Funny-Parenting-59.jpg" height="269" width="320" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
had driven our Honda CRV over to Ireland for a week for a work trip for me,
bringing along my husband and kids. Well, he drove while I sat in the passenger
seat and theorized the route to world peace, as you do on long car trips.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.zacktravel.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Beautiful-Ireland-landscape-4.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
arrived at our resort outside Dublin at around 8pm – a lovely site in which we
had rented a 3 bedroom home for the week – but nothing was open. No restaurant,
shop, anything. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Starving, we drove around the nearest villages in the dark
until we saw a bright, shining beacon of hope off in the distance – a late
night supermarket, an ALDI.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://mikejordan.yourcllr.com/files/2014/05/aldi_store1.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ALDI
is a German brand of budget supermarket – not a debilitating brain condition,
as my mother in law assumed from a Facebook post earlier. With no other option
we bought the necessary bits to make a meal back at the house.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<img src="http://i.imgur.com/cZxyHSC.jpg" height="387" width="400" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Aldi
tagliatale pasta, Aldi white sauce, Aldi red sauce, Aldi shredded cheese and
Aldi yogurt.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
nearly f%&king died. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All
of us, within an hour of eating that meal which is now referred to as ‘The Aldi
Pasta’ came down with food poisoning so violent and horrible that were we
strong enough to stand we would have packed up and driven back to the Ferry
port to go home. That house had 3 bathrooms and it was still not enough. It was
carnage. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9eivsZUfe1qery84.jpg" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
had no buckets, so each of the kids were assigned a cooking pot to carry around
with them – which they even tried to clean themselves (that was not good. That
was <i>not</i> good). I was spread out on
the couch dying as Lochie walked past me carrying her pot and a roll of toilet
paper ,went straight to the large bathroom by the front door and declared “This
toilet is mine.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sounds
came out of that bathroom that no 4 year old should be able to make. It was <i>carnage</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sleeping
was worse – we put the twins to bed in their room yet an hour later they were
both in bed with me and I was covered in the warm remnants of their stomach
linings. Lochie woke up and gave me a conspiratorial grin – “I puked.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thanks
tips. I’m wearing it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Even
worse was as the night went on and the clouds hid the moon the room became
pitch dark. More hurling sounds came from the far side of the bed and both
Lochlynn and I dove to the floor, scrambling around blindly on our hands and
knees feeling for a pot for Kaitlynn – but it was far too late.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
bedside lamp caught most of the blow. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It
went on like this for hours, Paul changing pots and holding hair – he was
feeling awful as well but somewhat managing to keep things down. By morning,
however, we all felt quite a bit better. Still moving a bit slowly and
carefully, but better. Well, we were there to get things done so off to Dublin
we went for the day, eating little bits of whatever blandness our stomachs
could handle. Feeling pretty good, we rushed back that evening so the kids
could go in the pool on-site – they were very excited.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/0oEzOKo.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Paul,
however, had finally succumbed to the Aldi Pasta. Leaving him to die alone and
well stocked with toilet paper and bottled water, I took the girls swimming in
the pool next door. This went very well, nobody drowned and we nearly had the
small pool to ourselves. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now,
the girls don’t yet quite know how to swim. We basically stick on some
inflatable water-wings and toss them in the deep end. They then paddle around
with me swimming behind them pulling and pushing to constantly keep both
paddling kids within arms’ reach. They love it, and their little legs just go
in that water like over-excited gerbils. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Which
was not great for Lochie’s food-poisoning stomach.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">About
20 minutes into our swim we were in the middle of the pool, paddling away and
learning tricks when Lochie declared that she needed to use the loo. Okay,
fine, can you hold it for a few minutes? We should get going soon anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Mummy,
I can’t hold it.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Okay,
let’s go guys, make your way over to the edge.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Mummy,
it’s poop. It’s coming.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“What
do you mean it’s coming??”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I
have to goooooo!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh my
freaking God. Not in the pool. Please, just not in the pool. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Get
to the SIDE!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I
pulled them around me and to the side of the pool. There was no shallow end in
this pool, it was 1.3 meters deep the entire way around. She was panicking. I
was panicking. We were flailing around trying to get out like someone had
loosed a shark in there. Kaitie thought this was great. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://i.imgur.com/pvBJ1FZ.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Making
it to the side I launched Lochie out of the pool and up onto the side, where
she stood up straight and clenched like a penguin, waddling over toward the
changing rooms while I tried to get Kaitlynn out of the pool. She wasn’t going
to make it, we weren’t going to make it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yeah.
She didn’t make it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
poor kid completely shat her swimsuit <i>beside</i>
the swimming pool.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At
least it wasn’t <i>in</i> the pool though. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Total.
Parenting. Win.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://mommyfriend.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/shutterstock_65848003.jpg?w=420&h=315" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See –
despite this I still thought that everyone was getting over the Aldi Pasta of
Death, and the next day we went to visit a good friend we met in China, Leanne.
We had a great time, the kids had a great time – and they ate the largest ice
cream sundaes we’d ever seen. Maybe that would settle the Aldi Pasta of Death
that was still possibly clinging to their innards. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That
did not end well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
Irish motto of ‘feck it’ seems to also have been applied to their major rural
road planning. It’s like they have something against straight lines, in favor
of dark, unlit winding paths of two lane roads with trees right up to the
lanes. No shoulders, no straight shots – just ‘feck it, have at ‘er’. Now, this
would normally be just fine, but not when you’ve got a food poisoned 4 year old
sat in the seat behind you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lochie
is normally our car-puker, so with that knowledge we put her in the seat behind
the driver, so I in the passenger seat can have easy access to her if she
starts to blow. But Kaitlynn got us by surprise that night (atta girl!) just to
keep us on our toes – and from behind me we hear “I’m gonna puke.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh.
God. No.<br />
<br />
She’s handed an orange plastic Sainsbury’s bag from the front seat – and she
starts to heave. She needs help - but
she’s directly behind me. There is no place to pull over, we had to keep going.
So, hurling down the dark, winding, two-lane road I take off my seatbelt and
turn around in my seat, hugging the back of the passenger seat for dear life
with my face mashed into the headrest. I stretch my arms around and grip the
seat-back shoulder with my chin, trying to steady myself so I could use my
hands to comfort Kaitie and hold open the plastic bag for her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She <i>filled</i> it. I held the heavy bag rolled
open in front of her in both hands while clinging backwards to the passenger
seat, swaying with each turn and being pulled from side to side by the weight
of the puke bag suspended in the air. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It
was this swaying action that then wafted the smell of it throughout the car. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lochlynn
started making gagging noises and buried her face in her car-seat’s Batman
cape. Paul, up in the driver’s seat, started to gag. I, of course, was laughing
too hard to react properly. Kaitie seemed finished, was given a bottle of water
to nurse and I turned to return to a normal sitting position, bringing the full
bag up to the front of the car with me so I could tie it up. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
smell hit us like a tornado-flung cow. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/y3PWaHz.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It
was like sour, sweaty kim-chee mixed with rotting badger. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Paul
dryheaved. “What the hell is that smell?!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://p8.storage.canalblog.com/85/09/1299340/100437566_o.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s
the puke bag – I just tied it, it shouldn’t smell anymore!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“She’s
FOUR! And a VEGETARIAN! How the hell does it smell like <i>that</i>?!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I
DON’T KNOW! It’s-“ (blurrggghhhhhhhhurp) “Oh God, it’s hideous!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
turned on the overhead light, still weaving through the dark back-roads of
outer Dublin. Oh no. Oh noooooooooo. There was a hole in the bag. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2wyrhX2EklfKMAZweyWiD5mEVtPOrXqRVWk0B1sjs8uBXCx4TwM-XRIgKpn2aKmLvWcnom6s9HRqwzcU-oZ0pFrDF2CjKKEg1DlSQmC1oT22Yeyy1T0S3m83aijIDyTP5RECerX-9bpMx/s1600/illinois_college_democrats.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Well?
What is it?” asked Paul, wretching and rolling down all of the windows.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Oh
man, don’t look Paul. It’s like a crime scene back there. Oh crap, it came all
the way up here too.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
it had. As I had brought the bag up to the front with me it had leaked a steady
stream of chunky vomit allll through the car, over our middle console filled
with drinks, chargers, phones, iPad’s and written directions. It was <i>everywhere. </i>We spent the next 20 minutes all dryheaving and freezing with the windows down and sunroof open.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When
we got back to the resort and escaped from the car and into the fresh night air
we stood back and assessed the damage – all doors open wide to air it out. We
didn’t know if we should try to clean it or just light it on fire and buy a new
car. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
decided to leave it overnight so it would freeze and be easier to clean the
next morning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://blog.howtonetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/fail-stamp.jpg" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There’s
a good reason why my plans never work out. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-54045197600085074062014-12-01T14:20:00.001-08:002014-12-01T14:22:17.765-08:00It's not for my protection, it's for yours<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.worteldrie.com/flight/img/34.jpg" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When your kid is sick you do
whatever it takes to get them better. Suddenly your own issues don’t matter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And you know how much I like
to make a good scene.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My daughter, Kaitlynn, had
been pretty sick since Ireland. We had all gotten food poisoning (that story is
on its way!) yet all of us had more or less gotten over it but poor Kaitie. So,
burning up and with a fever-bear sticker slapped on her forehead we took her in
to the hospital on Sunday evening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<img src="http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/5e/b9/7a/5eb97af9236f09e5072517c202aba28f.jpg" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, I had just had
chemotherapy on Friday, so a hospital full of hacking, coughing, ‘God knows
what they’re carrying’ sick people is the <i>last</i>
place I should be. But, you know. Sick kid. Parenting. All that jazz. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So Paul dropped the two of us
off at the A&E (emergency room) doors and drove off to park the car – we
could at least get things started. I walked in carrying Kaitie on my hip and
burying my face in the neck of my sweater, trying to keep out the germs. Upon
checking in I explained to the receptionist that I was severely
immunosuppressed, so she kindly opened the lucrative emergency room doors for
me so I could go ask a nurse for a face mask.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, to an emergency room full
of people that have been waiting there for hours, waltzing directly from giving
your name to the receptionist to the revered emergency room without waiting
gets you some pretty dirty looks. Around 50 people in the waiting room and they
all suddenly loathed me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<img src="http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/1c/1c96ccf55226534971186d9f7b7ec718f6220b1e32e87588186d22dc1ff89268.jpg" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know they did, because I
feel the same when I see someone get to skip the queue and waltz in. There’s no
compassion with thoughts of ‘wow, her daughter must be in awful shape, I’m glad
she’s being seen so quickly.’ None of that nonsense. None. It’s pure hatred.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<img src="https://38.media.tumblr.com/76f0537f085284198223557cfc85da70/tumblr_mzem73hPQB1t167qto1_400.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And that’s okay, because when
I walked back out 3 minutes later wearing a HAZMAT face mask the collective
attitude of the waiting room changed from hatred to shock.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Especially during a world-wide
Ebola scare. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<img src="http://cdn4.nwgimg.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/ebola-memes-02-550x550.jpg" height="400" width="400" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See, the entire point of my
treatments is to beat down my immune system. So, I pretty much don’t have one.
Wearing a mask is awkward and uncomfortable but in that moment, it very well
might just keep me alive. Looking like a complete idiot is actually a rather
low price to pay.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I walked back to the children’s
waiting area, still holding Kaitie on my hip. You could see the panic in the
eyes of the other parents – the ebola woman was coming in <i>here</i>, this glass enclosed partition full of <i>children</i>. Some of them got up, grabbed their child and bolted out
of there. Others just shifted uncomfortably in their seats. All of them stared.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Have you ever worn a face mask
in public? It’s an odd experience. There are small things that we do, gestures
that we make, to disarm people and to lighten a mood, such as offering a small
smile.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See, while wearing a face mask
I couldn’t do that. I didn’t quite realize it in time though, so I smiled at
the other parents, only then realizing that they couldn’t see it. So I smiled
with my eyes in a wise, knowing way. Well, that’s what I was <i>trying</i> to do. Instead I just opened my
eyes wide and stared at them intensely from behind an Ebola face mask like some
sort of serial killer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<img src="http://spacereptilesareyourfriend.com/images/83-Hannibal-Lecter-face-mask.jpg" height="207" width="320" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Another parent picked up their
child and left. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We were called right away,
back up to the reception for triage. Never has an A&E waiting room been so
silent as when I walked through the sea of people up to the desk. Moaning and
coughing stopped. You could have heard a pin drop. It was… surreal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The triage nurse hadn’t
noticed me yet and when he looked up to see me standing there in my Ebola mask ‘smiling
at him with my eyes’ like a creeper he shouted “Whoa!”. It took him a minute to
compose himself before he continued. “Um… and what is the mask for exactly?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Oh.” I said. “I’ve just had
chemo and am severely immunosuppressed.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<img height="400" src="https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/d8/60/72/d860729656c554ee734d25296f21bd55.jpg" width="385" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A collective sigh of relief
flowed through the room like the Mexican Wave at a packed arena. Color returned
to the nurse’s face as he leaned in toward me conspiratorially and
stage-whispered “You know, if you were Japanese nobody would have batted an
eye.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We went through Kaitie’s
condition, he gave her something to bring down her fever and then leaned in
close. “You know, with the stuff you’re on you really shouldn’t be here.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I know,” I countered “still a
mum, though. And when your kid’s sick…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Alright. Well, I’m going to
list her as extremely urgent then. Not just because we really need to protect
you given your condition, but also because you’re scaring the pants off of the
other patients. It’s not a <i>huge</i> deal,
but if you’re here much longer like this a news crew is going to show up.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He then winked at me and in we
went – this time nobody hating us for jumping the queue. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All around it was about the
fastest A&E experience of our lives. Packed waiting room and we were in and
out in just under an hour. Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t all wait our
turns – especially in hospitals. I’m Canadian, I’m all about waiting my turn.
And we’re almost British, so we do love to queue. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But slapping on a HAZMAT
face-mask in a hospital doesn’t hurt if you need to speed things up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just saying.</span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVrxV625j0wQCRUMr3HKP49kuJabdKi6ABzJ45K_loNDglPIIxxepOgkdVwFa3U6R0ccjsp-aAK7dR2V9cUFmpxpG2kwJtJMYUYk5UQzRJJ08q4gLZ0PWp_r2CFwq4HxDJCtmbgnjPPvc/s1600/1511185_10154977924150454_4261954846922646411_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVrxV625j0wQCRUMr3HKP49kuJabdKi6ABzJ45K_loNDglPIIxxepOgkdVwFa3U6R0ccjsp-aAK7dR2V9cUFmpxpG2kwJtJMYUYk5UQzRJJ08q4gLZ0PWp_r2CFwq4HxDJCtmbgnjPPvc/s1600/1511185_10154977924150454_4261954846922646411_n.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: center;">
<img height="266" 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" 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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-87726159610440423802014-11-29T06:55:00.001-08:002014-11-29T08:11:49.933-08:00Dishonorable Discharge Drama<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ohhhhh.
So <i>that’s</i> what psychosis feels like…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It’s
taken me a little while to write this one out, as I first needed to get over
the experience before I could write about it. This was actually a fairly tough
hospital incident for me. I don’t always breeze through bad experiences with
unfaltering humor and ease, sometimes I falter – but the mass amounts of
psychosis inducing drugs didn’t really help.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But
this one was hard. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d
been in the hospital for about a week, and although I was joking about my
ridiculous experiences with entertaining roommates, the toilet not working, the
desperation for proper food and my ridiculous vibrating bed incident, the truth
was that by Day 6 it was all wearing quite thin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See,
I had to get back to my life. My husband. My kids. My dog. My non-vibrating bed.
My job. My office. I was raring to get out of there and back to… well… <i>the wild.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://forcechangecom.c.presscdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/monkey-cage-pic.jpg" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
truth was that I was tired of the toilet in our room not flushing and having to
flush it by filling a bedpan. I had been kept in the hospital for an extra two
completely unnecessary days because of a <i>vibrating
bed</i>. I had been told by the weekend doctor that I would be discharged on
Monday morning and I prepared to go on with my life, ready to go from the
hospital to the office to home so I could hang out with my family and best
friend that had flown in and was only here for a couple more days. I was ready
to <i>go</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
morning hours came and went. I queried the doctor’s whereabouts with the
nurses, and they assured me that Rheumatology was coming. Lunch came with the
return of the infamous Macaroni and Cheese Suspiciously Lacking in Macaroni.
Still no rheumatologist came. The nurses were starting to get agitated, and
bleeped the team again. And again. And again. Someone was coming, they promised
me. They were just re-checking my MRI result from Friday. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lteetrGjXK1r4ghkoo1_500.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3pm
hit and I gave up any hope of making it in to the office that day. I was just <i>done</i> and ready to go <i>home</i>. Doctors came and went through the ward
and past my door. I spent the afternoon sat up in my vibrating bed like a
border collie, staring at the door with my ears perked, packed and ready to go
the moment they arrived.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1dd1qmVuu1r7g6fg.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But
still they didn’t come. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My
other roommates that had been there for less time than I was for actual <i>surgery</i> were leaving before me. The
nurses again promised that somebody would be coming – Rheumatology was on their
way up. They had just been held up by something. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
yet still they didn’t come. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.dumpaday.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/funny-waiting-room-signs.jpg" height="400" width="298" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had
spent the entire day staring at the door waiting for a doctor like a wound up
top. Nobody had come to hang out with me because we all assumed I would be
going home any minute. My entire day, the third day, had been completely wasted
<i>again</i>. I had kids! I had to get home!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
so… not a particularly proud moment… I lost it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m301feBjlr1r5kyvmo3_250.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I
mean <i>lost it</i>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img height="190" src="https://38.media.tumblr.com/1722d509122f952945f63848fba860c0/tumblr_n0yfdoMsXm1ts7wm1o1_400.gif" width="200" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">LOST.
IT.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Angry_679a4f_3008958.jpg" height="231" width="320" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At
5pm I burst into furious tears (why, <i>why</i>
do I cry when I am angry??? WHY?!?!) at the realization that the doctors had
probably all gone home, again. I couldn’t take this – I <i>wouldn’t</i> take this. I buzzed for a nurse and when she came I
demanded to self-discharge. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She advised me against it, I didn’t care. I was <i>done.</i> My voice had hit that crying ‘dolphin-like’
octave and even I could barely understand myself. My cheeks were bright red and
I was sending myself into another flare from the stress, but I didn’t care. Two
other nurses returned with the form, strongly advising me against leaving and
telling me that they’ve called the doctors again – they are <i>definitely
</i>on their way up to see me right this very minute.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’ve
been told that every 15 minutes for the last 9 hours!” I burst out, grabbing
the form and pen and reading through the self-discharge form. Paul had warned
me not to do this, that to do so would probably upset Dr Sarc the Great. But at
that very moment?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I.
Didn’t. Care. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
read through it and made some amendments.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I,
______________________, am choosing to leave the hospital <s>against the advice
of the consultant and medical staff… </s><i>I
would have taken the advice of the consultant and medical staff if they had
f&*£%@g showed up at any point during the day!!!<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Signed,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(something completely illegible and tear-stained)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="https://33.media.tumblr.com/32d9bd9064b63d40523415cbcfa3f510/tumblr_mkp308SBH41s7r334o1_500.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
then politely thanked the nurses, again declined their advice to stay put and
stormed out of there with all the drama of a harlequin romance heroin – loud,
audible sobs and all. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="https://31.media.tumblr.com/f84f335bac6a19d0e4daa40116374f74/tumblr_inline_mfkiffytSl1rb6tql.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I got
to the elevator – I just couldn’t think. I was still crying hard and couldn’t
stop, thinking that Dr Sarc would be so angry with me and that he would drop me
from his care, so I would probably die. I then figured it would be worth it
just to spend the evening with my family, but I was also far too angry about the
broken toilet (the <i>least</i> of my
problems at the moment) to let that go – so on the ground floor I stormed over
to the PALS office to make a complaint, but they were closing up for the night.
As distressed and sobbing as I was, still wearing a hospital band, the PALS
office woman just handed me a card with their complaints email and left me
there crying outside their door. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://mashable.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Love-and-Other-Drugs.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
so I was lost in a whirlwind of emotion – I was angry and crying and scared and
sure that I was going to be blackmarked on the NHS for being ungrateful and
then left to die the next time I had a flare. It was so dramatic that passersby
started asking me if I was okay as I made a beeline for the front door. All I
could do was wail “I’m fiiiiiinnnnnnnneee – hiccup- eeeeeeee.” as my mind
focused on just getting outside into the fresh air meaning that somehow
everything would be immediately better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It
wasn’t. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
then realized that I didn’t have anywhere to go – I couldn’t call Paul, he was
at his own doctor’s appointment and it would take him at least an hour to get
here. I couldn’t take a taxi, that would mean having to go back into the hospital
to use the ATM and I’d already made too much of a scene to go back any time
soon. So I started walking to the tube, I would just take the tube home. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="https://33.media.tumblr.com/292ace0af351566cad347a3d99debf49/tumblr_mqelckSwOO1rqfhi2o1_500.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Still
sniffling and sobbing as I walked to the tube in the dark along the busy
Hampstead Heath high street, I was nearly at the tube when my phone rang. It
was Paul.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Why
is the hospital calling me asking if I know where you are? <i>AGAIN???</i>”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I
stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and let loose a torrent of wailing and
self-pity to my husband on the phone, saying that there was no way I was going
back to that hospital. I was going home. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="https://elegantlychic.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/ronburgundy.jpg" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">People
on the street started to stop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He
countered. “Look, I’m on my way. Just go back to the hospital so they stop
panicking and wait for me. I will be there to sort this out. I’m on my way.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
held fast. “I’m <i>not</i> going back to
that hospital! My brain is <i>fine</i> and I
feel <i>fine</i> and there is NO REASON to keep
me there for another night! I just want to go home! I’ve been there for a week!
A WEEK! I probably don’t even <i>have </i>brain
damage!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">People
on the street started to gather.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://forums.windowscentral.com/attachments/nokia-lumia-icon/84353d1412889125t-colbert-popcorn.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He
played the ultimate card, the bastard. “Don’t go back for you. Go back for <i>me</i>. I am on my way and I will meet you
there. Just do this for me. You don’t have to, but I will be really
disappointed if you don’t go back there to wait for me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Touche,
Paul. Well played. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I’ll…
I’ll think about it.” and then I had to go because I was getting another call.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In
front of the crowd I answered it, just then starting to comprehend how large of
a group had actually started to gather. It was the head nurse from the ward,
she had tracked down a doctor and as soon as I got back she would personally go
down to bring him up. She said I had already done the hard part, I had already
had all the tests and treatments and I had waited so long, let’s just finish
this properly and make sure I’m okay before I go home. Please come back. I started
to cry again, softly this time, and told her that I would think about it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
so I stood there, crying at my phone in the dark on the street, completely lost
in my own head until a man gently touched my elbow and said:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You
should really go back to the hospital, dear.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What?
Startled, I looked around to the people that had stopped around me on the
street – they had heard everything. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
small crowd nodded in agreement. I should <i>definitely</i>
go back to the hospital. It would be best, they murmured at me. It was like I
wasn’t even in my own head as this group of complete strangers kind of herded
me around and back toward the hospital – some of them even standing there and
watching to make sure I was going in the right direction. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So
when a head nurse, your husband and a group of strangers on the street are
telling you to go back to the hospital – <i>you
just go back to the hospital.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve
got to admit though, when I got back I looked a lot like this<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTO7ofUMA0zwa5dk15Iu4BT7MH7t9Zux3kTQV08QHrCr1js8xrd" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
head nurse was thrilled. The other nurses were relieved. I was psychotic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A
doctor saw how distraught I was and called the rheumatologist on their personal
mobile – then assuring me that the elusive rheumatologist was on her way up, I
was to stay here at the nursing desk to wait for her. Okay, I could do that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
waited for an hour and a half. For an hour and a half I alternated between
standing by the wall or sitting on the floor in the corridor, softly crying. I
had snapped, and was completely, utterly defeated. My husband was coming, but
he was stuck in traffic. The rheumatologist was ‘coming’. The nurses apologized
to me constantly, one even sitting on the floor beside me – saying nothing but just
being there. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.gurl.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/sad1.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This went on for so long that the head nurse shouted something
into the phone, went downstairs and brought up the Rheumatologist herself –
walking through the ward door at the same time as my husband, kids and best
friend. The cavalry was here yet I was numb. I don’t even remember what
happened next, I just remember my husband talking with the rheumatologist and
then leaving the hospital late that night in a daze. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve
still no idea why that all happened or how things got so dramatic – I normally
am pretty chilled out with these types of things. I’ve narrowed it down to
three possibilities:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1.<span style="font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-stretch: normal;"> </span><!--[endif]-->I I got a taste of psychosis – a brain flare mixed with massive doses of
steroids messed me up big time<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<img src="http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/webdr02/2013/9/4/21/anigif_enhanced-buzz-1946-1378345608-8.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2.<span style="font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><!--[endif]-->I’I'm actually a Crazy McRaving-Pants<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: center; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<img src="https://33.media.tumblr.com/d327ba7582776ecc2eb3257867e4d971/tumblr_mxka8ebWM41s89fdko1_500.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3.<span style="font-stretch: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->This hospital stay finally broke me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All I
know is that even though it was such a small, small issue – I’d never before
felt so broken in my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8D83VRMGddevG91uGgJogotTIryiFq_rW4qgUB3U5LJ5-1iShrQDrO4tuERUmqexQ22KyOZBLaWKpsYO8e2UnNFumH3cANe9ZZnsbFb1s8gTFi3QVLMeao8mzZgjp4UL7946HAIq-nVs/s1600/123-broken-hearts-14300882-564-605.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8D83VRMGddevG91uGgJogotTIryiFq_rW4qgUB3U5LJ5-1iShrQDrO4tuERUmqexQ22KyOZBLaWKpsYO8e2UnNFumH3cANe9ZZnsbFb1s8gTFi3QVLMeao8mzZgjp4UL7946HAIq-nVs/s1600/123-broken-hearts-14300882-564-605.jpg" height="320" width="298" /></a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-67464989458490907132014-11-17T03:33:00.001-08:002014-11-17T03:33:38.085-08:00£0.69 away from a stay in the 'secure' ward<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">£0.69 away from a stay in the ‘secure
ward’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
swear to God I am about 2 incidents away from being moved to the psych ward. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Day 5
of captivity and I’m feeling fine – I’ve been feeling a bit weak but pretty
good since Day 3 to be honest, and I’ve been railing to go home ever since.
Sure, the Bells Palsy may be permanent, but it is improving. No big deal, I’m
already married and a half-paralyzed face is pretty much a free pass to collect
hordes of disease-ridden animals and talk to yourself when you are older, so I’m
more or less okay with this. It’s the whole ‘cycle of acceptance’ thing, right?
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img height="294" src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ1rDrmuZBeeNOse0cG8Wll7FPTSQx-A9mMqkrLq4WvkDStGUy1" width="400" /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’ve
had Bells Palsy before, much worse than this. Sure, it’s never lasted this long
even after being blasted with such strong treatments, but I’d already accepted
my pirate accent and Quasimodo face the first time it had happened. I was okay
with it then, so it didn’t take me long to reach ‘acceptance’ now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So
other than that, I was feeling pretty good. A little weak and shaky, but that
was to be expected after a major neuro-flare.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
doctors weren’t pleased, however. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
explained the shakiness to them as best as I could. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“It
feels like I’m trembling. Almost like I’m vibrating.” The team of three
Rheumatologists took my pulse. Seemed fine. I confirmed that it was much more
noticeable when I was lying down, which concerned them greatly. An EKG was
arranged, as well as blood pressure monitoring every two hours and blood sugar
monitoring every four hours. They were going to continue to observe me for the
day while they consulted with Neurology. This was Friday morning. Nothing to
really worry about, they said, they just need to re-visit my MRI results and
then look into this further. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They
assured me that I would be going home for the weekend, as my best friend had flown
in and I was desperately wanting to get out of the hospital to see her. I also
had to work, I have a family, I missed superhero day at the twins’ school… I
needed to get out of here. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But
the shaking feeling continued, at times getting worse and then better in waves.
I told Paul about it – who was not pleased. He didn’t want me to rush myself
out of the hospital just to spend time with Nicole – we had to think of
long-term effects here and we were going to do whatever the doctors wanted me
to do. Maybe she could come hang out at the hospital.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Friday
afternoon around 4pm I was starting to panic. The doctors said that they would
be back, but surely they would soon be leaving for the weekend? I had a nurse
check what time they were going home. Around 6 she said, and she was certain
that they would be coming to discharge me before they left. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://lowres.cartoonstock.com/medical-golf-sport-medical-doctors-doctor-jhan172_low.jpg" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay,
this vibrating thing isn’t <i>that</i> bad.
I’m just shaky. Or something. I started asking my roommates if they felt the
room was shaking at all. Nope, they didn’t feel anything. It was definitely
just me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“You
guys are <i>sure</i> the room isn’t moving
at all.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Nope.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A
young nurse walked in to take my blood pressure and I asked her to get in my
bed with me to tell me if it was shaking. She declined, so I got out of the
bed, stood to the side and insisted that she lie on my bed to tell me if it was
shaking. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Nurse,
you don’t understand. I’m not crazy. Just get in my bed and lay down and tell
me if the world is moving.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Humoring
me, she got in for about 3 seconds and confirmed that no, the bed wasn’t
shaking. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay,
it was definitely me then. This was not good.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well,
6pm came and left and I was devastated. The doctors weren’t coming back, I
would be stuck here for the weekend – I wasn’t even being treated, just
observed and monitored. This was infuriating. I wanted to be home! I wanted to take
the twins to Kung Fu and to meet Nicole at the airport, I wanted to get back to
the office and I wanted to eat proper vegetables. I was so done with this, and I was so angry
that the doctors had selfishly forgotten me, just keeping me in here for the
weekend like it was no big deal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So
when the on-call weekend ward doctor came to check on me at about 2pm on
Saturday I was <i>pissed.</i> How dare they
keep me in here! At the very least I wanted a day-pass, if I had to sleep here
that’s fine but there’s NO POINT in keeping me here when I’m feeling fine! It’s
a waste of NHS resources! Aren’t there bed shortages or something?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
then he explained to me what was happening. They had done EKG’s, they had
checked my blood sugar and blood pressure and other static tests. He went on to
explain that feelings of movement and vibration are neurological, like pain,
etc. That this ‘vibrating feeling’ when combined with my Bells Palsy,
neuro-flare and some kind of thing they weren’t happy about with my eyebrow
meant to them that something more was happening in my brain, and we might be
looking at some serious neurological damage here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wait,
what?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He
did some quick neurological tests, which seemed fine except for some double
vision in one or two areas but otherwise fine. This didn’t look good – I was
vibrating like a hummingbird whenever I lay flat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img height="200" src="http://cdn1.images.videobash.com/photos/000/301/301/301301.jpg" width="320" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Sorry,”
he said, “my instructions from the Rheumatology and Neurology teams were very
clear. We are to keep you for monitoring over the weekend until we can do more
testing on Monday. We can’t tell if you are at the tail end of a flare or still
the beginning of it, and we cannot risk permanent neurological damage by having
you just go home.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In a
bit of a daze I thanked him and watched him leave, then sitting back on the bed
and bursting into vibrating sobs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We
were talking about <i>actual brain damage</i>
here. What did I do?! Was this because I didn’t come to the hospital fast
enough when this first happened on Wednesday? Was it going to get worse? I
couldn’t even call Paul – I couldn’t even speak. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My denial
was seriously faltering.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I
started to write, just to get it out. Sobbing hysterically on my bed as I typed
away listening to Norah Jones and coming to grips with having something like
irreparable brain damage. My curtains were open and I was unaware of how much
of a scene I was making until the mother of another patient came over and gave
me a hug – scaring the hell out of me (I was rather absorbed in what I was
writing) but also very comforting. I even found myself hugging her back,
clinging to her for support in a very low moment of weakness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1lRi441y8lm1NyXsP_2AIBfQw_hBBJjhN7VytaV3uXkWRcSWzLvAMIZ_DidSo041xi0cDHhC0OYEeqOq6AoPDzHWWipDaC5ckZqiuSaQjQAtzQ0ShWYh-_zhGMjGvoFLA5-YPRVT599Y/s1600/photo+(18).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1lRi441y8lm1NyXsP_2AIBfQw_hBBJjhN7VytaV3uXkWRcSWzLvAMIZ_DidSo041xi0cDHhC0OYEeqOq6AoPDzHWWipDaC5ckZqiuSaQjQAtzQ0ShWYh-_zhGMjGvoFLA5-YPRVT599Y/s1600/photo+(18).JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay.
It’s okay. I’ll be fine. It’s not a big deal, I’ll be fine. Deep breath.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
called Paul, and told him what happened. He agreed that vibrating like a hummingbird
whenever I layed down wasn’t good but that I shouldn’t worry, the great Dr
Beynon will sort me out like he always does. Just relax (why was everyone
telling me to relax?! How is that not the <i>worst</i>
thing I could be doing right then?? Just laying in a hospital bed, relaxing and
vibrating like a pager. THAT’S NOT RELAXING! That is terrifying.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
still couldn’t quite believe this was happening to me. Paul and the girls came
that night to visit me, and I even made him get into my bed to check if the
room was moving. I’d been asking nurses all day if the room was humming, I was
going crazy here, and two steps away from being brought up to the secure ward.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He
said the bed wasn’t moving. My spirit died a little just then, finally
accepting that there was a good reason I was still in here – that something was
seriously wrong with me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.thefrisky.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/03/depression-080309-main-424x283.jpg" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My
family left, promising to pick up my best friend at the airport the next
morning and then to come see me – maybe we could arrange a pass for me to leave
for a few hours or something. Chin up, it will all work out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
so I cried, again, at watching my husband and children walk out of the hospital
ward and again leaving me behind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh
God, this was killing me. I was vibrating alone with my thoughts and fears.
This went on for hours as I lay in bed on the dark ward, listening to the
ravings of Crazy McRacist Pants in the next bed and the nurses trying to
placate her. I needed to distract myself – I was driving myself crazy - so I adjusted my laptop on the bedside
dresser, curled up on my side, put my headphones in and watched the newest
Riddick, crying quietly to myself as I did so. I just still couldn’t believe
this was happening. Brain damage. This was serious.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
lost myself in the movie, until about halfway through when my headphone made a
weird buzzing sound – the headphone wedged between my pillow and my ear as I
lay on my side watching the screen. That was odd. I took it out, gave it the
side-eye and re-adjusted it back in my ear, laying back again to watch the
movie. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
then it moved again. My earbud was moving, like it was vibrating out of my ear.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What?
Neurons fired at once all over my supposedly melting brain. This didn’t make
any sense – the EKG didn’t pick anything up, proving that it wasn’t an <i>actual</i> vibration, just the sensation of
vibrating. So… why was my earbud vibrating out of my ear?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hang
on. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">HANG
ON.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What
if this wasn’t ME? What if I wasn’t actually vibrating – and that this wasn’t
in my head? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What…
what if it was the <i>bed</i>?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I ripped
out my earbuds and leaped out of bed, staring at the thing like it had
electrocuted me. I needed to check this out, and wondered if I could convince a
late-night nurse to hook up an EKG to just the bed. Okay, okay. Probably not. I
quietly pulled the blue paper curtains around me for privacy and turned on my
bedside light – this was insane. I’m <i>actually</i>
going crazy. No wonder I was still in here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I put
my hand on the middle of the bed. Nothing. I put my hand on the foot of the bed.
Nothing. I put my hand on my pillow and there was a very vague… something. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay,
think Candace, think. It was 2 in the morning and I was standing outside of my
bed trying to prove I wasn’t crazy or brain damaged. Think!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I sat
back on the bed, picked up my iPhone and googled ‘can an app feel tremors?’. This
somehow brought up a bunch of pages about Parkinsons, which did not help my
mental state. Okay, okay. I’m using the wrong search keyword. ‘can a phone feel vibration?’. The screen
filled with page lists of downloadable phone vibrate signals. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay,
this was not working. Think back to junior high science class. What is that
thing called? Come on, come on…. Yes! ‘iPhone <i>seismograph</i>’ came right up on the App Store on my phone (thank
FREAKING GOD I had internet on this ward!) and, putting in my password I paid
£0.69 for a seismograph for my iPhone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Downloading
it was the longest two minutes of my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A
small bleep and it was done – I was ready. If this didn’t prove my theory then
I would have no choice but to accept that my brain was melting and I really did
have serious, irreparable neurological damage (on – <i>top</i> of the whole neuro-sarc bells palsy thing)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay.
Okay. I turned it on, made sure nothing was touching the bed and placed it
gently in the middle of the bed. Nothing. One bar lit up intermittently. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
picked up the phone and put it at the foot of the bed. Nothing. Not even one
bar.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Crap.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
picked up the phone and put it on my pillow at the head of the bed, and the app
lit up like a Christmas tree – the signal bouncing madly at full bars.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I KNEW
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (super large type) I screeched as I punched my fist
in the air – a nurse came running in, having a mild heart-attack at pulling
back my curtains to find me jumping up and down beside my bed like a proper
crazy woman. I rounded on the poor man. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“ I
KNEW IT! I TOLD you guys that there was something wrong with the bed! I don’t
have freaking BRAIN DAMAGE!!! It was THE BED!!!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He
tried to calm me down. Oh hell no, I was NOT calming down now! And I showed him
the app. He couldn’t believe it. I made him get in the bed and he agreed that
he could feel it a little bit – but then he wanted to see the app again. He
called two more nurses to check this out. Once it dawned on them that I had been
kept in the hospital for two extra days because of a FAULTY BED making the doctors
think I was BRAIN DAMAGED they started to laugh ( I wasn’t yet at the point
where I thought it was funny). They assured me that they would write this in my
notes for the morning rounds but there were no other beds for me to use that
night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMhEuIogCw5D4OpknfR7r3VlxBt2Jb9ECKoTtkfkZNJO2sjQOcTvOBMTKLA_LjIg3bTs3_Bj9iNDjtphuTXpHbzPmihWBKPWUcdIypR1JSAPRt51r7kATB74-bZSNCWWh3yTmWgbGT2o0/s1600/WIN_20141117_113121.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMhEuIogCw5D4OpknfR7r3VlxBt2Jb9ECKoTtkfkZNJO2sjQOcTvOBMTKLA_LjIg3bTs3_Bj9iNDjtphuTXpHbzPmihWBKPWUcdIypR1JSAPRt51r7kATB74-bZSNCWWh3yTmWgbGT2o0/s1600/WIN_20141117_113121.JPG" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
told them it was fine, now that I know the vibration isn’t from BRAIN DAMAGE I’d
be fine. It would be like an annoying massage – I’d just pop another quarter in
this thing and go back to sleep.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I
couldn’t. I was too irate and enraged at the injustice I had suffered. I called
Paul in the dead of night – waking him up with “I TOLD YOU it was the bed!!!” I
messaged friends on Facebook throughout the night, spitting venom at having had
a faulty hospital bed mistaken for brain damage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
woke up the next morning, refreshed and renewed. Life was again good and I
would be just fine. Just a bit of facial drooping, no biggie. I was getting the
hell out of here, and I was getting out TODAY. I sat up in bed and stared at
the door watching for that doctor like a damn Border Collie.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My
roommates, once they heard the story, were howling. The nursing staff were
howling. This story was clearly going to be making the rounds around the Royal
Free. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The poor doctor came in to check on me, opening with ‘and how is the
vibrating feeling?’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WELL
THEN! LET ME SHOW YOU!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He
couldn’t believe it. Eight doctors and nurses surrounded my bed placing my
phone all over it in astonishment. My roommates got out of their beds so we
could all test theirs – nothing at all. Not even a bar on theirs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They
were still under strict instructions not to let me go until Rheumatology
cleared me on Monday, but were now willing to strike a deal. I could just come
back here to sleep, then be formally discharged on Monday morning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTcXhICjGe2BMBTORiP-E93tnIsXKuQ2SqUV0VwKptTILv-u_YARQ" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That
poor doctor, I cannot describe his face. He walked out shaking his head – in all
his time as a doctor he had never, EVER heard of something like this. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Me?
Not so much. This is pretty much par for the course in my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So…
long story short. I don’t have irreparable brain damage. There was just an
electrical fault in my hospital bed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
that is hands-down the best £0.69 I have ever spent in my LIFE.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-20623148205019974812014-11-16T14:13:00.001-08:002014-11-16T14:13:27.394-08:00The Greatest Roommate EVER - Bells Palsy stay Part 3<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Greatest Roommate
EVER<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img height="400" src="https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQfaL19BdTuhb85efcCmclo6vs5hWZVmC0jOcpP6H8SkOv-j8xC" width="337" /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alright.
I have had some serious doozies in regard to roommates over the last three
years, but this one absolutely, ABSOLUTELY takes the cake so far.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m
on a ward of four beds for the duration of this stay, four beds and a broken
toilet in our private bathroom. I’m okay with this, as is the woman beside me –
Grascia, who is from Poland and taught us all to flush the toilet by filling
the bedpan with water and pouring it down. Carol, the lovely Portuguese woman
diagonal to me seems okay with this too, as the three of us have been finding the
ordeal rather comical together.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Penny
is not okay with this. Penny is not okay with <i>anything.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See,
Penny is a lovely woman (erm… most of the time), that loves to discuss plays
and the works of Voltaire. Whether her audience is willing or not. She is here
recovering from surgery, as are my two other roommates. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But
she doesn’t grasp why I am here. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
have explained to her that I’ve not just come out of surgery, this is a general
recovery and monitoring ward – but she’s not buying it. In fact, she’s pretty
sure I have Cancer, because I <i>look</i> like
I have Cancer (…?) and I should probably get tested because well, I probably
have Cancer. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
she drops that bomb on me as a greeting each morning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Good
morning everyone.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Good
morning Penny.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“How
is everyone feeling? “<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Fine,
Penny.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Did
they test you for Cancer last night?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“No,
Penny. But I’ll be sure to bring it up during ward rounds, just in case.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See,
for the life of me I cannot work out Penny. At times she is a lovely, kind and
highly complimentary woman. At others she is a raving, racist, diabolical
torrent of abuse. Yet this only happens
late at night, to catch us all off guard. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She’s
like…. Were-Penny.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa42/meggeroo35/rabidwerewolffunny.jpg" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
then we also have the third side of her, the oblivious Penny.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our
first group indication that Penny might not quite be the sweet old lady we
assumed happened when ordering her meals for the day earlier this week with a
poor, poor young care assistant. Now, Penny is an elderly, white British woman
that quotes Shakespeare and lectures us on the work of Voltaire. And the care
assistant was a young, black British male putting himself through nursing
school. Really nice guy, very chatty and friendly. The three of us loved him as
he checked on us and worked around us. And then he made the grave error of
asking Penny what she would like for lunch and dinner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She
couldn’t read without her glasses, and made him read out the menu to her.
Nothing too out of the ordinary yet, but there was a vibe going on in the room
that made the three of us sit up and pay attention.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It started
with angry bursts from Penny of “What?! I can’t understand you!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The
three of us shared puzzled looks across our beds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I
can’t understand your accent. You are not outside, you know. You need to speak
properly in a hospital.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wait,
what?? Our eyebrows shot straight up into our hairlines as we sat up in bed, watching
the scene unfold. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I am
speaking properly Madame.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“No,
I’m not saying there is anything wrong with your accent, just that you need to
speak the Queen’s English so I can understand you better.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh my
God. She did not just say that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Do
you want the rice pudding?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“No.”
she spit back, “Do you have porridge?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“No.
We don’t serve porridge for lunch Madame.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Look.
I know you are probably from South of the river but you need to treat me with
proper respect in a hospital young man! I am a patient here, and I have paid
taxes all my life! Now speak properly to me, I cannot understand you!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSVDs7P8fszOWRqg0Xjbb22woR7nbqDHKm8U18iTma419Hl6-q2" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Whoa
whoa whoa whoa whoa. The three of us shared looks of incredulity while two of
us simultaneously pressed our buzzers, calling in a rescue team for the poor
kid, which arrived quickly and efficiently – understanding what had happened
and whisking Penny through her remaining lunch order and urging the poor kid to
finish the rest of us off. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When
he got to me I told him I couldn’t understand a word he was saying as he was
far too British and could he please read out the vegetarian menu items in an
American accent for me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And I
got a high-five and an extra pillow from him out of that one. ; )<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
then Penny turned to us as though nothing had happened at all and was again perfectly
lovely. Nothing to see here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Leery,
the three of us shared another look and continued on with our day, with Penny
being lovely and chatty all through her obnoxiously loud opera radio until
around 10pm when she accidentally locked herself in the bathroom and I darted
out of bed like a freaking ninja to turn off her TV and radio before she got
back. I was back in my bed quite innocently and to the applause of the other
two sane roommates before the nurses arrived to talk Penny through unlocking
the bathroom door, again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
when she got out she was furious at the nurses for having locked her in there
in the first place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was
awoken again at around 2pm by lights and angry shouting. Penny was up, swaying
like a madwoman at the foot of her bed and waving around her drainage bag
(tubes from her surgery connected to pots to collect her seeping innards). The
night nurses were being too loud out in the hallway for her, which was rude and
obnoxious and unacceptable as people were trying to sleep.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She
communicated this by turning on all of the lights in our room and shouting at
the nursing staff from the foot of her bed for a good 20 minutes. The irony was
actually painful. A nurse asked her if she was in pain, to which Penny raged
that of course she was, her stitches were killing her. The nurse countered with
a perfectly reasonable question of ‘do you want some morphine?’ to which Penny
exploded with:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Why
are you asking ME? Do I look like I have a medical degree behind me on the
wall???YOU’RE the medical professional!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
like lightning that nurse had a syringe of oro-morph in her mouth and was
guiding her back to her bed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ohhhhhhhhh
Penny.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She
then woke the next morning and took us through the entire storyline of War
Horse, the play, not the movie. Then she talked us through the movie. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See,
Penny started to grow on us. Sure she caused the three of us to sleep with one
eye open, just in case. Yes, she was horribly racist but only seemingly at
night time and she was completely oblivious to the world around her. But on the
ward she was ‘our’ Penny, and so we looked out for her. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When
she somehow spilt yogurt all over her curtains we helped her back into bed and
wiped down the vanilla. When her TV wouldn’t stop coming on we limped over and
turned it off for her. When she went to the bathroom and left her radio on I
would dart over and turn down the volume. We found her reading glasses from
their hiding place atop her hair, called the nurses for her when she couldn’t
work out the buzzer and we even stopped her from hurting herself whenever we
could.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But
the most delightful point was when she started giving us advice, particularly
me as I was the one sat across from her and right in her line of sight. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For
one, my voice was lovely and very song-like. It’s just a pity about my poor
accent. Then there was the whole ‘me looking like I have cancer’ thing. And
then, as she was a party to not only the Bra-MRI but also the vibrating bed
incident, she took it upon herself to teach me to be graceful, as this would
greatly improve my life, surely. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So at
9pm (were-Penny hour) tall, elderly, completely oblivious Penny rises from her
bed to the pathway between us and demonstrates Tai-Chi, <i>completely</i> forgetting that she was attached to a series of blood
drainage tubes and bags that drug behind her, knocking everything off of her
bedside table and covering her drainage bag in tea and yogurt. This did not
phase Penny. She did not notice, and continued with her Tai-Chi. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All three
of us hit our buzzers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img height="246" src="http://metrofive.com/Celeb%20Jeopardy%20-%20Turd%20Ferguson.jpg" width="320" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nurses
came in, cleaned up Penny and got her back into bed and all was calm. Until
Penny looked at me and clearly stated ‘You’re not as impressive and special as
you think, you know.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shock.
Pure shock registered on my face as my two other roommates keeled over in pain
nearly busting their stitches trying to laugh quietly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Penny
continued. “I’m very accident prone as well. It’s not just you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh.
So <i>that’s</i> what she meant. Probably.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I
really think that with a bit of Tai-Chi you can improve your movement and get
into less problems. It is very calming, see.” And she was up and out of bed
again, completely forgetting her drainage tubes and bags that got caught on the
underside of her bed and ripped one open as the three of us screamed “PENNY!
STOP!!!” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All
three of us hit our buzzers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img height="246" src="http://metrofive.com/Celeb%20Jeopardy%20-%20Turd%20Ferguson.jpg" width="320" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The nurses
came in again, cleaned up Penny and re-attached her to her drainage tubes. A
hazmat team came in to clean up the gore beside her bed and we again thought
all was good.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But
Penny wasn’t finished. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Well,
Tai-Chi might not be best for you after all.” (I stole glances at the other
two, <i>why</i> was this just happening to
me?? They glanced back, howling with silent laughter that Penny didn’t notice. “You
know, a friend of mine does ballet.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh my
God, no. No. NO.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And Penny
raised up out of her bed for a third time, humming the theme from Swan Lake and
standing completely tall and erect. “Penny! Your blood bags!!” all three of us
cried in unison. She stammered and remembered that she was still attached.
Picking up the blood bag in one hand, the dark red tubes dangling and swinging
from the bag and into her side she approached me and in a graceful command
began to explain that the dance of the death of the swan was the most calming
ballet dance of all – “Penny, I don’t
think-“<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
she opened her arms wide and out behind her, beating her arms and chest like
graceful swan wings as she threw her blood bag across the room and launched it
into the wall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
our buzzers, again, went wild.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img height="246" src="http://metrofive.com/Celeb%20Jeopardy%20-%20Turd%20Ferguson.jpg" width="320" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The nurses
have now cleaned up Penny and the wall, and have turned off the lights for the
ward. All is calm and quiet as we are settling in for whatever sleep we can
manage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“It
has happened to me that my knickers have fallen down, but not in public.” muses
Penny aloud from the darkness of her bed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Good
night Penny.” chime the other two, but not me. I’m wide awake, eyes now staring
at the ceiling in horror.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh my
God. I think I’m going to be Penny when I grow old. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">(Erm... not racist though)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-67605209373671383712014-11-16T07:27:00.002-08:002014-11-16T07:27:50.802-08:00The Bra Incident - in an MRI<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img height="354" src="http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/236x/10/88/9c/10889c7a27c9d756530308e1960462f6.jpg" width="400" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The most insane hospital stay yet - Part II. Leaving my bra on for an MRI.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img height="235" src="http://meme-lol.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Funny-Animated-GIFS-How-Magnets-Work.gif" width="320" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For
even <i>more</i> fun, I left my bra on
during an MRI.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now
that’s an interesting event, let me tell you. I was brought down by a porter in
the wheelchair of shame to the MRI area, filled out forms assuring them that I
had never been shot, bombed or stabbed (metal fragments?) and before laying
down onto the platform I was asked if I had any metal in my pockets or on my
body. I took out my hair-tie for fear that it would shoot into my brain if I
didn’t, handed it to the nurse and then remembered my bra. I told her that I
was wearing one and moved to take it off but she told me not to bother, the MRI
was just of my head and I could keep it on.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.onetoughmotherrunner.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/funny-picture-support-bras.jpg" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Seems
legit – surely she knows her stuff, right? So in I went to the machine, bra and
all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was
a little concerned as my head was being strapped down in ‘the cage’, reminding
her once more that I was still wearing a bra with metal clips and under-wires. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She
said I’d be fine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
asked her if I’d be coming out of this thing wearing braces on my teeth,
imagining the under-wires shooting straight up and into my brain during the
scan. She assured me, again, that I would be just fine – try to relax.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Which
I do. I love MRI’s. As long as you don’t open your eyes at all it’s just like a
nice tight nap. I even tend to snore a little in there, and within moments of
the machine being turned on and the overbearing whirls and pulses firing around
me like a warzone I was peacefully fast asleep.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img height="240" src="http://rubmint.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-o-matic/cache/0697b_a7f12164-f7a1-4499-8f2b-327d0d142249.gif" width="320" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
then I had the odd feeling of being raised off the bed – by my breasts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
woke up, suddenly alert but refusing to open my eyes for fear of seeing how
tightly packed I was in there – and my boobs were jiggling around like popcorn.
The bra wires were pulling upward in jerking movements matching the pulses of
the machine, lifting my chest clear up into the air. I wouldn’t call it <i>relaxing</i> per se, but it started to get a
little uncomfortable when the timing changed and they started lifting in
different directions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l8t881rbBy1qbrc7uo1_500.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
must have jerked my leg in response, as a loud voice came through my earphones
checking to see if I was alright.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Ye..e..e…s.sss..sss…Ffff…ff.ff..fiii..nnnne.”
I called back through the machine, giving the thumbs up as my chest jiggled
madly on top of me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Try
to keep still please.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What
the hell did they <i>think</i> I was doing
in here? Dancing? The Judy Blume bust increasing routine?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7yn14PkLy1qeou26.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ten
minutes later and I was drawn out of the machine, unhooked from my cannula
wires and helped to sit up and back into the wheelchair of shame. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“How
was it?” asked the radiologist. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
wasn’t sure what to say or how to respond to that. Odd? Strange? Frightening?
Wildly inappropriate? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“It
was…new. Next time I’ll try to remember to wear metal underwear too, just for
the experience.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m
getting used to leaving baffled looks in my wake at hospitals. Why stop now?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-8071989776712877672014-11-16T07:04:00.002-08:002014-11-16T07:04:49.823-08:00In the hospital... again. But this time I'm starting to understand why.<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="data:image/jpeg;base64,/9j/4AAQSkZJRgABAQAAAQABAAD/2wCEAAkGBxQQEhQUEhQWFhUUFBQXFxQUFxQUFBkXFBQWFxUYFBQYHCggGBwlGxQUIjEhJSkrLy4uFx8zODMsNygtLisBCgoKDg0NFA8PFCwZFBksNywrLCwsNyw3NyssLCssLCw3LCssLCsrKysrKysrLCsrKysrKysrKysrKysrKysrK//AABEIANAA8gMBIgACEQEDEQH/xAAbAAEAAgMBAQAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAQYCAwUHBP/EAEAQAAEDAgQEBAMGBAMIAwAAAAEAAgMEEQUGEiETMUFRFCJhcQcykRUjUoGhsUJywfAkYvEXJTNTdIKy0RZEc//EABYBAQEBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABAv/EABcRAQEBAQAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARASH/2gAMAwEAAhEDEQA/APZ0UqFlgREQEREBERAREQEREBERAREQEREBFKhARFKCEREBERAREQEREBERBKhSoUBECKgiIgIgKICIiAiIgIiICIiAiIgIiICJdFAREQERFQREQEREBFKINfE/vouDjmYvCzUsegu8TJove2nYm/ryVezPUS1lfHQMkdHG2LizOabOPYA9FyMdwY0dbhrWyvkiNQdDZDrc12g3Orn3SLHqxkUCVUCufJiWIS0vFfHT07AZNHlc9zr283MclFAZMNxCKm4r5KeoadAkOpzXDmNXUIj0EyclAlv/AHsvNsPp5q6uroHzvbBG9uzDZ242Ad0C6GVxJS4hNRcR0kYibIziHU5t9rX+qLHYwfNTZYJ5nsLGwPkad73EfMhdnDMRbURskZ8r2hzfY91Rsz5REVBU/ePAHGlsw6Q4uF7OHVdL4b4RwaWGTiyPEkbTpcbtb6AIauOtRxN7KuZ7xl1HSSSs+clrGfzPOkfuq+/J08dOJoqiZ1X5Xm7/ACO5EjTyCEehcVBKvOs419Xx8Pjjdw5Z2va8fwtJABPqQVjidFLhLqWYTySR8bTPrN7iTkbe6Qj0d0llk111UcwVj5aulp4nEb8WQt/AOV/fdWyNRGbitMs9gTbl+6+PMeJeGppZefDY535gbKjYFl2Wqp21clTLx5Gl7SHWjHZujkdkFsylj/j43SaCzRLJHa9/+G61/wBF2xN6LyfK2MuocHqJecjZpgP5y8i9vddP/wCIzGn8QKmbxWjiatX3dyL6dHKypHpAeseL/p1+i8vx3M80uDR1EbtM3EYxxH4g7Sf2X05hwCWGldWiok8TE0SfN5Lcy3TytzQxbMxZh8I+nbo1ceXh7H5fX1X1ux2MVPhd+Jw+Jy8um5HP8iuV9mePhoZ3OsWcOfba5dGL/uqbJlm+NcM1E1zTmTVq3Hmd5b9kV6wJEMi1wR6WhtzsALnc7dSqFUh+J180BleyCmaAWxnQXPd3cOiiPQg+6jiKm4Jh1TSSTxF7n0wj1RvebvDiDcX6hcDJeH1GJRCWaoka2Nz2saw2vYnd5+iq7j1LUgddUbI+NObDUx1LiZKR8mpx56dy0/Sy6WQnSvpzNM4kzPc8A9Gn5f0RFpREQEREHneZw6hxOKt0OfDJHwpNILi3sSBuufjuKGvrsPdDFJwYp78Qsc0ai0g3BF7br1B8YOxAt67rFsNuQt2Atb3CLXn1TKcMxOaeRjzT1TG6nsBdoc2/OymmmdieIxTsY9tPSh1nvBbqe7byg72svQXxB2xFx2PL6IyIDYC3tsFEU7JsLm1+JOc0gOezSSCAfL0KypKd323LJpOg0rWh1jpuDyurgW/r6KWs3v6K4ZrlZupTLR1DGC7nRPAHc6TZcP4d45G+CGns5ssUelzXNcBcHfcixVyc24WtlO0G+kX7gWQqufEbCH1VE9kfztIkYO7mHUB+i4kuenOpwyCGTxhDWiJzHANPIlzrWsvQy1amwNvcNF+9hf6oKHj0Epr8Kc8anNJ4jmg6Q42v7C6s2bsOFVSzRG13MJBP4m7iy7Gj+v8AYVezTQ1lQBHTSMZG5umTW279+ZaemyCvfCumllZJVT/O4NhZ/JFcXHubqxYFmJ1RUTwmB7BCQA9wIDge111MEw5tNCyJnKNoAvzO3Mr7WsA3RXNzNQGopZom83scB722VJy9mzw9IKaWGTxMTTGGBjiHdiCBZelFazA3nYX72F0R5PgWAS1GD1ERY5srpZXhrhY31awF1W50/wAJweFL4rQGCLQ75gLbutay9EA9P77qBTtvfSL97C6K8rxzL8lPg0UIaXSGaN7mtF7OL9Tht7q6Z0YXYdUsaCXGAgAAkkkcrKw8P++6lw/P+vuojmZVYW0VK0ixbTxAg7G4Y0FVLH6vweMR1ErH8F9MY9bWucAdRNiGhegtCxliDuYB991Rpo6pssbXsNw4XBI0m3seSoZqPsvEaiSVj+BVhruI1pcGuaDsQOi9CaywsALdkdECNxcdjYqFVDCMbmrX1D2sLaVsZEZc0te51t7A9FPwrhcyh0vaWniyGxBB3KtwjA2tYegstU7HaXBlg6x0noD0uFR5fnjC5W4g1sJs2ua2OX2YbuNvYK6ZhxP7NpmmOF0ti1gYwcuQuvmwXAKg1Xia17HyNZoY2MWY0X5+9lanNv0uisaKXXG11i3U0Gx5i45FblDQpRBFKhAUEhV/MuaYqIM1Bz5JD5Ioxqe719FTcczH4qsw5gbLC9tQS+N92utoPPoR6IR6mireP5ripHtjDXyzOF2xRtu4tB79Fhl/NkdW90Ra+KZu5hlbpcB6HqoLOip9XneFkkkTWySSxu08Nou4m17j0X2ZdzMytL2aXxyMHnhkFnDsfYoLG111K8op8ZfRUNUbSF7pp9JALtPqewVpyJmE1cDA5sgcGNLnuZYO9lSLci+auq2wsdJI7Sxgu4+ipzfiFH5ZHQztgcQGzuZ5DfYeo90F6RVvGs1wUhjEjrcRj3NcLkWaLn3PZfLhed4pnxMMckZmLhGXtIvbl7XFtlBbkXHxrGWU3D13vLIGMaBuSV1Iv2VGxLrCeQNBJNrb3PLbuqR/tAjeX6IZnwtuDO1vkFtvci6C8h9+SlUD4X4gPAyyvfdommdrdtZuokXv6LZ/tCiH3ggnMF7cfR92PXvb1RdXtFwcYzLDT04qHG8ZLNLhyOvYFcaoz9GxwJimEJOnxJZ92CeXrb1RIuxcO6m6pWcXGR+HujJ0moa46SRdum4/LdcWbPT24pw9Exi4RHD0fxanecdxayQj09FogfqaDvuAd9juOVlX8fzWylkEIY+aZwuIohc6R37IRZ0VbwLNEdUHiz2SRgl8Ugs9tv3XMHxCgcWNiZLI51yWsb8oBIOs/kgu6Lj4BjbKyISxHykuab3uHNJvt+SywXGGVQkMdyI5Cwk9SOdkHWRQ1SgIiIPO3gHMHn300v3QPc3vb1TPwHjsMO2o1BB76dBsV3M0ZWFW6OaOQwzw7MkbY7dnA81zY8kOfPDUVE75JoXh17ANLbW0gAIr5sti+M1/E+ZrI9Ho035JmQacYoXRj7wteH25lnr6XXYx/KhnlbUQSuhna0N1NsQ4c7PB26pgOVjDMameR09QRYPdYBo6hoGyDk5Lp2nEsSdYXD2C/W2not9C22OzC3OkYfc3XcwXL4pp6iZriTUEOLT0sLLKDAQ2udV6jqdEIy3pYFBqzvEBQVWw/wCE/kB+FMkNvQ0t/wDlNXVxSjE8T4n/ACyNc0/9wsuDlXAJ6IhhqOJA0WYwtAI7C9kLx8fxbkc3D3aSQHSRh9vwF4B/Ky7VTTU7qTRKGiEsF+gAtz9F9mMYYypidFILteLEen+qqByNM5op5ax7qVtrR2GpwBvZzwNwg+LM9HC+uwhjQHRAnSD5gWttp5811viZQHwzaiMeele2VpHOw2cPoulW5ZbLPSzXLRS6g1gta3T9gs81YzT08L2zPaC5htGebr7AAe6JVfweubildHM03ipoWu7jiS9vUABXyJ/Ta4+qqnw0wMUlG3ylrpSZHDqNXIfkF92BZZNNUTTGZ7+MQdLjs23ZBnnuRzaCpLL6uE61vZfFkqJjcMhDQ3TwjflYk87qzVkIkaWOF2uBB9iN1R4MkSxAwx1b20xJ+6sLgHmGusi4qEBIwKqDNgaiQbfh4u/5WXpkcMXgNO3D8P2Gm2nstGB5QjpqR9LcvjkLydVr2d625rkMyNPo8P4x/huXDsNen8OuyKqNUXOy/G142FQ1o/k4lm/ovQc5wNbhVQ0NAa2DYW2FgLWW7Gcpx1FIylaSxjCwi3ZhuAuhi+GipppICSBIwsv13HNErXlVgNDSEi58PCd+d+G3dV0n/f4Fv/pn2+dyt+EUfAgiiuTwo2R3PXQ0D+ir+Y8rPmqGVUExhmY3QXWDgWk3tZEq0329VQcrDViuIl/zt4YZfnpIN9PYK70ET2xtEjtbw2znWtc97dFXMdyq6ScVNNM6CbTpcQA5rm+oRX1T09MJ5nNsKkwHUL76bdR3v1XE+EVGwUTnho1Olk1G2583Urq4DlfgGWSSQyzzNLXTEAbHkGjovuy5gzcPpzGX3aHOeXHpfcpRQvtT7Jmr6Y7a/vacDleTazfW5V9yrh4pKWNjrXtqceV3O3P5qpYnHBieJ0xis8U4L5JG7j/K313VqzVgJroRFxXxWe12pux2sbIO81StVHDoY1tydIAueZt3W1ESiIgxslliZLLi43mNtLNTRFpPiJNAI6WBNz9FB3NKkBYcRQJd/wC7INlkAWHEUcXn6INhUBir2E5rjmhmmc0sbA+Rrr7/ACcyuvQYgyeNkkZu14uDvyVI+shRpUa1jxhceqgzAXw1mDwzOa6SNr3N5FwBt7L7OKp1oIjZYWWdlhxFk110EkKC1SStb5rAnsD+ioy0KdK4mV8xCujfI1paGvcyx53aSCuzxFBlpQtusdaxdNZBtsoIXFx7MApX07Swu8RKIhboSOa+k4zH4jw1zxdGu1v4bkc/yKsWOiGoWqNagyKIy0rGSIOFjuDzHQ+6gSqTJug+WjwmGG4ijawE3OkAXPqvs0qNaB6DIBERBKKEVFAzVVz1NdHh8MhiZw+JM9mzrdm9rri5gwh9JW4cwyukiNQdAebvDtJJ83O3NdTMchocUirHtJp5ITG9wBOg9LgL4MwYwK6vw8wMe6GKe/E0uAuWnuOW/NVp0sRnmxCvlpWSuiggjBlLNnOc4mwB6LHD5JsOr46R8rpaeoaTGZDd7XC21+vVa5qn7MxOaaVrvD1bGHihpIY5pOzrDZTFN9p4lDLE1xp6ZrjxLEBz3crXURpoW1NbXVtOZ3Mhje35dneYfKD0C6OVpJqavmoXyuljbE2SMvN3AONi0nr1WeSo3CvxJzmkB0jCCRYEBvQ9VlSRO+3ZXaTp8IwarbXv3QfBmXKroKCpDZnNF5pSG7atQ5OXT+G2FOipopDM94kibZjuTfZdnOMBkoqhjBdzon2A6nSVxfh1jsMlPDThxE0UYa6MgggjnzQdPO+NeCpJJWjzizWD/M82H6lVmTK9WyEVEdVK6qIDnNLvu3926eQXc+I+FvqaJ7Yxd7C17R3LXA2/RcibPreA1sDHuq3ANEBa4Frtgde2w2Qac2YnVtmoI4jw31DHtew/K1xA5+rSTZY4lBUYU6kkNQ+WMy6Zi4/j2B+q349HKa/CnPb5m6jJpBLQ7a+/urJnLDRVUksW1y27T2c3cEKq+DMVa99VS00L9JeeJKR/y22sPzVrjXnvwsilnbJV1A85a2Fn8kVwSPc3VhwPMviaiaERPZwSBqcLB1/wqMulmDEfDQSS2+RjnehsFRsBwWpq4BVy1UjZpAXMYD921vRpbyV0zTh5qaWeIc3scB722VMy9m9kFG2CVrxUxtMfC0uu62wsbIuOflLGXUWEVEp80gmmAH+cvIB+q6Lss1Rp/FeLl8SW8Tn93sL6dHK1lycEwWWpwepi0uZKZ5HhhBBJDi4D9F2I88x+D0aXmq4fD4Gh19YFu36qj5sfzVNJg8dVEdMvEY11urmusfyut2P4PUwUz67xUviI2iQtv91pFiWaLW5LnY3gb6fBI4y1xkMsT3NAuQXP1EbK7Z1jLsNqQASTAdgN+Q6KDVJhpxCGhnLtJZw5+99bB/7VOky/Ica4YqZQTT69V9wNZ8o9F6JlRlqGlBBB8PCCDsdmN2KqOOVoosZjqJg5sL6Ys1gFw1aibGyC/RR6GgXJ0gC55npdUOtklxKulp2yvigpwA4RnS57nbjzK9U1U2VgfGbtcLg9wV58KsYVidS6YOEFUGubJYlrXNuLGw2RHVwWkqqSSeF73SwNjLo5XkFwP4Sq/k6kq8TjEstS9jInPa0NNi4gmxcbKwYVmGStkqDHH/hWRODJCHAudboD0T4VROZQAOBB4jzYix3N0WsckY47g1DKh15KV8gc489I3afpZffkWaWWAzTOJMr3OaD/AAtPIBUzPGHSx4gGwbMxBrY5LdNJu51vYFXjHcXbhtOwtic8DTGGsHLkL2Q1Ywi1Uc3EY19iNQBseYv3W1RBERUaJYQ4EEA37gEH8ioZTNaAA0C3KwGxW50gHPb++6NeDuDf23UGqaEOFiAfcA/okcIaNhb2AH7Leio1iMD+qlsYBvYX5X62Wd0BQYvbdaGUrQ7UGtDvxaQD+i+lFBg4XXzx0oBvpbe/MNF/rzX1oqNXBBsbbjkTz35quZrpq2XyUro2Mc0te54u4X5lv5K0Ig5eX8MFLAyJvJgtq6k9SfzuugyIA3sLnraxWyyIMXhfP4RpdqLRq72F/qvqRQamRgbAWFz9e61+EbfVpbfvYX+q+lFStT4wRa1/Q8lLmXHp26et1sRCoYLCw/sdlpqIA8Wc0H3AP7reiDXGywsAB2HJYS04cLOFx2IBA+q3og0RU4bsAAOwAA+gWE7S1hEYAdY6b/Lf1X1KCgpuDYJUvqvE1jmFzGlsTGDytBO7vdW58QPMX9+S22RBDRspREEqERB5P8RsysdUw0h44jEhM4Y1wLm/haRz6cla8GxKlpI6WGMPaKhxEYeDqJIv5r7hc3OI/wB6Yb/M/wDqss8u/wAfhf8A+7v/AAKKtGMY3HSMY6Y21vbGLficbL58w5miomtdISS42YxoLnOPoAq/8Vnjg0//AFMNh6awtEg148wP3DKW8YPK9xcj1QWDAs1RVbzGGvjlAvw5WlriO47rk5FqnOlry55IbObajsBYfRd2uo4HVMMjiBM0OEe9i6/MW6heXwsq55MRhpW6W8Yukk3u4AC8bfUoR6rgmORVZfwiXCN2nWRZpP8Al7rsKtZGq4pKOIxAMDRpLBa7XDYh3qrE19zsiM0REBERAREQSoUqEBERAREQEREBERAREQEREBERBKKEQV7GMveIqqeo1W8OXG3e61Zuy945sRa8xywvL45AL2cQRuPYqy6U0oPP6vJM9UI3VVTrfE9jmaRpaAw3O3W66+Y8tGpdHNDJwp4vkkte4PMEdQrTpUFgQqoYNlqUT+Jq5uLM0aWBo0taDzsO5XSy9gPhH1D9WrjSl9tttl3rJZCqpQ5W4L6oxSlsdSDZo/geQRqb25roZVwd9HCInyulILjrcbnc7BdvSgaglERQERFQREQSoUqEBERAREQEREBERAREQEREBERARSiCEREBERAREQEREBERAREQEREEqFKhAREQEREBERAREQEREBERAREQEREBERAREUBERAUqEVEqERAUqEUBERBKhEQFKhFQREQFKhEBERQEREBERAREVBERB//Z" /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How did this become
my life?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">September
5<sup>th, </sup>2014 was the worst day of my professional life, throwing the
rest of my life into complete chaos. My husband, Paul, has been a rock
throughout as I worked tirelessly to fix what was happening – but I just
couldn’t hold it together. A UK political move shut down 74 businesses in our
industry, the company I had built over the last 5 years like a child being one
of them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If I
had done something wrong, if my business model had failed. If I had been what
they accused us of, if I had faltered in some way – I could understand. I could
accept it. I could move forward and learn from it. But what is there to learn
when you have been literally persecuted? That you are not welcome, that your
contributions are meaningless. Your achievements hold no value. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had
responsibilities. I couldn’t walk away – though everyone else has done. Of all
those affected, only a handful still stood to brace after the shock and
dutifully clean up the debris. My life was thrown into taking care of everyone
and everything. Where others had bolted their doors and abandoned their
students and staff, we stayed. I stayed. I spent weeks arriving at the office
and holding my breath on the street outside of the door, pulling up resilience
from the ground around me to walk in and fix everything for everyone. I didn’t
turn away a single student, a single client, a single staff or colleague that
needed my advice, directions, instructions, support or reassurance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But
what they didn’t see was that I was weak. I didn’t have all the answers –
though I did everything I could to find them. I even made answers, moving
mountains to pull together the seemingly impossible to try to save even one,
even just a few, from the fallout that the government had imposed upon these
hundreds of innocent people. And I couldn’t say anything. There was no remedy –
there was no justice. There was nothing to rally for or rail against. It was
blind, crushing acceptance that everything I had worked for, everything I had
come to the United Kingdom for, was over in one fell swoop that had absolutely
nothing to do with me or what I had built from nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
so I threw myself into a headlong rush to fix everyone. My door stayed open,
though nobody knew how much I had to force myself into the building each
morning, and how hard it was to force myself to leave each night as there was
still so much to do, so much to fix. I was finding my staff new jobs, new
positions, new companies – I wanted to leave no one abandoned and on their own.
I felt like I was trying to re-home cats outside a Walmart at some points with
my staff and students, wondering why this all had fallen to me, and how I could
still keep any ounce of pride in having failed all of them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had
taken care of everyone and everything – but I hadn’t taken care of me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It
was nearly over, all of the arrangements had been made and the final steps were
all fully in place. It was done. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It
was then, last week, that I hit my breaking point – and I tried to walk away.
For the first time in my life, I tried to walk away from a 13 year career that
I lived for. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
then I fell.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
woke up on Wednesday morning with an all-too familiar excruciating pain on the
right side of my face. It was a ripping, electric sensation of my face and neck
being torn open. I was disorientated and couldn’t raise myself up out of bed,
even to help my girls with their hair. I didn’t realize the extent of my
returned Bell’s Palsy until I tried to eat the cereal that Paul had brought up
for me in bed – which ended nicely for the dog as he got to clean up my sheets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I
didn’t listen to my husband, who knows me and my condition so much better than
I do. I insisted on going to work – there was still so much to do, and that
morning held a critical meeting that meant the stability of my remaining
employees for the remaining month that they needed. And so he drove me to
Central London while I cried and clutched a bag of frozen peas to my face –
though I appeased him by calling the hospital infusion clinic to tell them what
was happening.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They
told me to come in as soon as I could, and I promised to do so after my
meeting. It would be a 2 hour steroid infusion, max. Nothing to worry about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I
arrived at the infusion clinic on Wednesday afternoon, and I’ve been here ever
since. It’s now Saturday – and my best friend in the world arrives tomorrow
morning for 3 days. And I am stuck here. The doctors won’t let me go. Paul
won’t let me go. My friends won’t let me go. See, along with the Bells Palsy
that won’t heal, I’ve developed a new symptom – a feeling that I am shaking and
vibrating. Like tremors that nobody else can feel. The doctor tells me that it
is a sign that further neurological damage is occurring, and they need to keep
me to determine if this is the start or the end of the flare. They don’t even
know what to do as I’ve already been pumped full of the max dose of steroids to
treat this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
have to admit, my denial is starting to falter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/31b1cd1986ff77317cdff8299820b98d.png" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
don’t even know why I’m writing this – this isn’t my style. This is a bit too
raw for me. It’s like a part of me is feeling that if I accept why this
happened that I could then hit a turning point and heal from it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At
least, I want that to happen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But
yet despite whatever landed me in here, I’m still me. I still attract disaster
and I still want to get the hell out of here so I can get on with my life. It’s
like a forced vacation in here but with a roommate that craps herself, is
terribly racist and keeps telling me she thinks I look like I have cancer. So
I’ve been keeping myself busy making a rap video (The Bells Palsy Rap), which actually
takes freaking HOURS to do and is not easy – as I was told off by a nurse for
being too loud and had to whisper through it from behind closed curtains. I
even brought my laptop into the bathroom to film in there for a scene but it
just came out looking too weird and inappropriate. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I
resorted to the usual ways I amuse myself during hospital stays. I played the
‘how long can I hold my pee’ game. I brushed my teeth with great bravado,
playing the ‘how many public sinks on the ward can I brush my teeth in until
the nurses catch on’ game (12). I had full conversations with one of my insane
roommates about how I look like I probably have cancer, and that even though
she can see how painful, terrifying and debilitating my condition is, at least
I don’t have a thyroid condition – because her sister had one and it was awful.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxG5jGPSj6pE9RhrcRaUrWIA2oTbGCFU6JNsG-Mo6QOy8T2OopyRNDSNRO6oBYj4Lqcj3kXFgN3i58Wrakx40X6-GeLJl3ll5J23OHxYTxB9xlnL-W-5S43RUVHOSx0MxvCDK_oWPpFPU/s1600/photo+(17).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxG5jGPSj6pE9RhrcRaUrWIA2oTbGCFU6JNsG-Mo6QOy8T2OopyRNDSNRO6oBYj4Lqcj3kXFgN3i58Wrakx40X6-GeLJl3ll5J23OHxYTxB9xlnL-W-5S43RUVHOSx0MxvCDK_oWPpFPU/s1600/photo+(17).JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
yet despite all that I have been through and written about in hospital over the
last 3 years, I find myself staring up at the ceiling from my hospital bed,
surrounded by blue paper curtains and wondering. The nurse presses her lips
together in concentration as she places electric receptors at my ankles, wrists
and chest – hooking me up to an EKG. The hundredth EKG of my life since that
first lightning strike so long ago. Light breaks through the paper curtains, a
second nurse arrives for more tests. Once afraid and questioning, I continue to
stare blankly ahead as he takes my hand, sanitizes my finger and roughly pricks
it to bleed for a sugar reading. Until I felt the sharp strike I didn’t even
know what test it was going to be. I didn’t care. It didn’t go deep enough, and
the other hand had to be used a second time. I barely register what is
happening, like it’s all happening to someone else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And
yet despite all of this familiarity, I stare at the ceiling and cannot help but
wonder…. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When did this become my life?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With
all the finger pricks I’m also now wondering what Paul can do to get the blood
off my laptop keyboard.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-56058586615495070952014-10-30T13:31:00.000-07:002014-10-30T13:31:15.826-07:00Tigers, Bears, Flying Monkeys and a poor, poor pudding cup. Oh my!<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img height="281" src="http://funnyasduck.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/funny-lions-safari-just-talk-pics.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don’t think I’m going to be able to show my face at that
zoo again for <i>at least </i>a couple of
years.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When my mother in law, Sylvia, was here over the summer
she and Paul took the kids to the Woburn Safari Park, an award winning
free-range zoo that you can drive your car through like a Safari. I wasn’t able
to join them (chemo weekend) but the four of them had a great time and rubbed
it in constantly about how wonderful it was. They were disappointed that a monkey
didn’t jump onto their car and that the animals were just kind of ‘sitting
there’, but they did get some great pictures and overall had a very good time.
Good enough that Paul has wanted to go back ever since.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;">Now, go to any attraction and you are pretty much
guaranteed a good time. Bring <i>me</i> and
you’re guaranteed an adventure.</span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img height="238" src="http://www.newsmediaimages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/funny-picture-donkey-boy.jpg" width="320" /></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;">
<br />
<span style="background: white;">We arrived early in the morning and joined the
queue to slowly drive through the safari route of the zoo like every other
normal family. We’d stocked up on snacks and sandwich stuff for later, heading
off into the fields to creep past the huge animals that barely paid us any
notice. The route was fantastic, driving through antelope, rhinos, zebras and
giraffes – even watching a zoo truck chase an irate ostrich through the fields.
We then went through the Jurassic Park style electric gates and into the
carnivore area of bears, tigers and lions with a stern warning to keep all
windows closed and not to get out of our cars for <i>anything</i>. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="background: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://www.gifbin.com/bin/012012/1326308782_little_girl_vs_lion_at_the_zoo.gif" /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="background: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="background: white;">Fair enough. <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="background: white;"><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We drove through with everyone else, seeing the animals
lazing off in the distance to the sheer glee of the girls. I have to admit, it
was pretty cool. Finished with the safari we followed everyone else to the
parking lot to go in for lunch.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That’s about when the ‘normal’ part of our day ended.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We parked in a muddy field, all jumping out of the car and
opening up the back of our SUV to make our sandwiches. Some ducks came waddling
up toward us while we were cutting bread and unpacking cheese. The girls
thought the ducks were cute, as did I. We continued unpacking the contents of
our sandwiches, cutting into veggie pepperoni packages with our teeth as many
more ducks came. It wasn’t too alarming until Paul nearly stepped on one – my goodness
they were close. There seemed to be a small flock quacking quietly right
underneath us. The girls were starting to get a bit leery – there were a lot of
birds now. No worries girls, mummy’s got this. In an attempt to get the birds
away from us and with my mouth still holding a package of veggie pepperoni, I
tore off a chunk of pita and tossed it a little ways away from us.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And then the sky fell in.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><img height="266" src="https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQzHW9z3UxHCQeCUBk7ouqgso7N2r9-at2UXC3iDu4wOvNKKlGYMQ" width="400" /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">An army of seagulls came out of NOWHERE and attacked the duck
trying to run off with the pita. The ducks went wild in retaliation – the attacked
duck was being rolled over and over by seagull claws and the air was filled
with the scream of birds and the flapping of wings. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The girls screeched and ran for the car – I left Paul
behind fending off the winged rebellion and still stuffing pitas as I opened
the doors and threw the girls into the car, then running back to help Paul. He was
draining sun-blushed tomatoes with one hand and waving off birds with the other
– kicking his feet out to warn the circling, hissing ducks of his space. It was
a feathered nightmare. We were both ducking, hunching our shoulders and
stuffing pitas as quickly as we could, dodging birds and trying to shield
ourselves with the SUV back door. The kids inside the car were screaming for
us, afraid that the birds would get in the car like they did <i>last</i> weekend. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><img height="240" src="http://evansheline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/evil-birds.jpg" width="320" /></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Pitas stuffed we slammed
the door and ran for the car, jumping inside and rolling up the windows to eat
in peace.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Looking around, none of the other cars were being attacked
by birds. They’d all gone into the restaurant. You know, like <i>normal</i> people.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We munched in silence for a few minutes when Paul had a
sudden brainstorm – everyone was in the restaurant eating, the park was pretty
much empty. If we were to go back to the safari part now we would practically
have it to ourselves!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So we peeled out of the parking lot, a great white cloud
of birds rising from around our car as we did. He was right, we pretty much had
the entire thing to ourselves! How great! The winding road was practically
deserted!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So… can I drive?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’d not driven in about 4 years. I’d never driven on the
left side of the road and for a long time in England hadn’t needed to – then having
had a stroke I’m still not able to get a license for another year or so. But I <i>can</i> drive. Bemused, Paul agreed – but we
couldn’t get out of the car to switch like Chinese fire drill – there were
Rhinos and <i>rules</i>. We’d have to do it
in-car.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Look out girls! Mummy’s coming back there! I squeezed
myself up and into the back seat like a ninja while Paul slid over to the
passenger side with only a bit of huffing and puffing. I then began the slow
and surprisingly difficult task of getting from the back seat of the car
through the middle and into the driver’s seat, contorting myself and completely
mooning a Rhinoceros in the process. Paul ducked as I swung a leg over his
headrest – he wasn’t too bothered. He was busy enjoying his chocolate-vanilla
pudding cup.</span></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdYZDyj_v4cUhURbdLBOXO-4GHz_8X1Cqg1j43_k69rTAVHJQHotfoSMPUZY-rQPCWTcuID61AAYT6Iz_VbYZHpzBKJlb6EoBJSlJSJ12HFKLx5xTBB7HgrJBNDodyBy5mvOUqCOdAsL4/s1600/image+(12).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdYZDyj_v4cUhURbdLBOXO-4GHz_8X1Cqg1j43_k69rTAVHJQHotfoSMPUZY-rQPCWTcuID61AAYT6Iz_VbYZHpzBKJlb6EoBJSlJSJ12HFKLx5xTBB7HgrJBNDodyBy5mvOUqCOdAsL4/s1600/image+(12).jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
<br />
Okay. Okay. We were sorted and for the very first time in the UK, I was
driving. And I wasn’t doing too badly! I managed to go through the Jurassic
Park gate without incident and we were now into the Tiger enclosure with only
one other car up ahead. Very cool – but where were the tigers? We looked around
for them off in the distance when Katie pointed out that well, it was <i>right there</i> beside our car. What? Oh
wow, very cool! We stopped the car and watched as it walked slowly across the
road directly in front of us and off into the field – a cool experience made
even better as the <i>other</i> huge tiger
came up beside our car as well, crouched low and actually stalking the first
tiger. Like some kind of National Geographic documentary, we watched as the
second tiger prowled low in the grass and nearly flat toward the first, hiding
behind a tree and then running flat out to chase the first tiger back toward
our car. We’d now caught up to the other car and watched as the two tigers
circled our vehicles before heading back off into the woods to lie down. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1qLr-wEsBceB90Q34Zz71U6o4zJHCMyJreKhfhijC8mc-e_R1SeXPkK2GwA16H15KFQtbX142-6qj4iAVg-XOw_mJFpROvyqD4RZdj_x-jqDItWSVwW5CC0IA9WNUhzyqnbv7zp-ruE0/s1600/image+(13).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1qLr-wEsBceB90Q34Zz71U6o4zJHCMyJreKhfhijC8mc-e_R1SeXPkK2GwA16H15KFQtbX142-6qj4iAVg-XOw_mJFpROvyqD4RZdj_x-jqDItWSVwW5CC0IA9WNUhzyqnbv7zp-ruE0/s1600/image+(13).jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Don’t open your door indeed!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We drove through the gate and into the bear enclosure,
having a similar experience with a black bear walking across the road and then <i>sitting directly in front of our car</i>,
just chilling. Erm… what do I do here? I can’t honk the horn, the staff will
think we are being mauled. Plus, it would be rude. I can’t try to intimidate
him off the road by nudging forward – we’re Canadian. We know what bears can do
to cars. I couldn’t go around the bear, because you’re not meant to leave the
pavement for anything. Butttttt… this was an SUV and we couldn’t stay here
forever. This bear was not moving. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I drove a bit to the right. The bear moved to the
right. I went a bit further right. The bear nudged toward us. I was partially
on the grass now, and the car was a bit tilted on the hill. The bear didn’t
care. He moved a bit more to the right and then sat, like an indignant prick,
right in my way. Alright, screw you bear – we’re out of here! And I peeled out
far to the right, up the slant of the hill and around the bear, back onto the
road full of triumph and yet side-eying myself that a bear just ran me off the
road – then braking hard for a wolf.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yeah, I should probably leave the driving to Paul.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It was when we made it into the lion enclosure that we
heard the most terrifying phrase that could have possibly happened at that very
moment. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Mummy. I have to pee.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><img src="http://rack.0.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyMDEzLzA2LzE4L2NkL0FuY2hvcm1hbi5hYjg3YS5naWYKcAl0aHVtYgkxMjAweDk2MDA-/96bfd9b1/226/Anchorman.gif" /></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“WHAT?! Oh no sweetie, you are going to have to hold it.
We are a long way from the washrooms and we can’t get out here – there are
lions.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I can’t hold it, it’s going to come out!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What the crap?! Seriously?!? No, honey. You NEED TO HOLD
IT. You don’t understand. There are LIONS.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“I need to go nowwwwww!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OMG. Okay come here. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wide eyed and panicked, we parked the car and scrambled
around for something she could pee in. A water bottle? A bag? The floor???? And
then Paul held up his empty chocolate-vanilla pudding cup. We stared at each
other in silence.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It would have to do.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And this is how we came to be <i>that</i> family. You know, the one stuck in the lion enclosure with a
half-naked four year old squatting over a pudding cup held by her father while
I held her steady and howled with laughter. Until she started straining. Wait,
WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THAT PUDDING CUP?!?!?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><img src="http://rack.0.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyMDEzLzA2LzE4LzdjL0JlYWtlci4zOWJhOC5naWYKcAl0aHVtYgkxMjAweDk2MDA-/4a93e3c4/4a4/Beaker.gif" /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We were then rather quiet as we drove through the
remaining safari route, our eyebrows still high up in our hair in disbelief of
what had happened. Still, I was driving. And I was exceptionally pleased with
myself.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<img alt="33 GIFs That Will Make You Howl With Laughter Every Single Time" height="320" src="http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/2014-10/29/15/enhanced/webdr07/anigif_enhanced-buzz-25009-1414612018-5.gif" width="320" /></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After that even the monkey hanging out on our car was only
vaguely entertaining, and we were happy to finish the safari and head into the
rest of the zoo like normal people. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, we <i>tried</i>
to do it like normal people.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When going to any type of zoo with kids you just can’t
leave without first seeing the monkeys – no matter <i>how</i> traumatized you already are – and this zoo had a monkey enclosure
that you could go inside and walk around. It sounded cute, why not? <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well then.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Inside was a wooden pathway with rails – the route for us
to walk through. And there were monkeys. Lots of monkeys – hanging out on the
rails just chilln’ and watching us approach. There were monkeys in the trees,
all watching us as we got nearer and nearer. I stopped at a corner before the
waiting monkeys, looking down over the rail to see a zookeeper giving this
small horde of monkeys the stink-eye, like she was warning them. I asked her
how many there were. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Oh, 22 are out in here today.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Wow. That’s a lot.” My inappropriate social skills took
over and I continued “Have you ever been swarmed by all of the monkeys at once
like an Alfred Hitchcock movie?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><img src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTYqxiuDC6NQCe86DIba1K-1eZr9FCTUvhmnxYTGN0h_PQ7pYLJ" /></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Um… no. But It can get pretty creepy at night when you
come into the enclosure and they all rush toward you from high up in the trees.
They’re mostly harmless though, and don’t often bite.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Oh? Well, that’s… interesti…..JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!” as
a lemur had leapt out of nowhere and onto Paul’s back. I jumped backward just
in time to miss a monkey preparing to leap from the railing and onto ME,
hyperventilating and ready to bolt for the door.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><img src="http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01544/monkey_1544467c.jpg" /></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Paul laughed and took me by
the hand to calm me down – the kids were terrified and the zookeeper was
chuckling as she scolded the monkeys away. Her chuckles turned into howling
laughter as we continued through the enclosure to the exit at a speed-walk, the
twins pointing at each lemur in turn and shouting “Jesus Christ mummy, look!”.
It sounded like the second coming in there. And the ironic part? When we got to
the end of it and I bolted through the cage door we were met by a BBC Film Crew
entering the cage. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For once in my life my timing was actually pretty good.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One final stop was all my heart could take before we made
it back to the car – Bird World. Some sort of building you go into and the
birds fly around freely.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why not?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><img height="400" src="http://www.decorativex.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/it-was-your-choice-to-wear-that-thing-in-the-first-place.jpg" width="349" /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="background: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In we went – the kids already a bit nervous . I’m a big
believer in kids reading our stress in situations and reacting accordingly so,
trying to make up for the whole flying monkey blasphemy incident earlier, I
sucked it up and went into Bird World like nothing was wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;">Oh holy hell. I regretted it
the moment we stepped inside the door. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;">We made it about 3 ft in when we were
distracted by a young girl and her mother on a bridge up ahead, the girl
freaking out as two parrots duked it out on her shoulder – her mother trying to
whack them away. Paul was riveted to their scene but that was it, I’d had
enough. I took the girls by the hand and turned back toward the door – I wanted
out, and was dive-bombed by a large bird that flew </span><i style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;">straight into my face</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;">. I screamed and batted it away, running for
the door and plowing through a laughing family that had witnessed the whole
thing. The door wouldn’t open, it was a one-way electronic security door. I
clawed at it, I banged on it. The twins were each gripping a leg and Paul was
still making his way up to help the </span><i style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;">other
</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;">family on the bridge.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<img src="http://cdn.videogum.com/files/2010/05/bird_attack.jpg" /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #222222; line-height: 14.5666675567627px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;">Other families laughed and cleared the way as I picked up my children and
bolted, the three of us screaming like banshees until we were in the safety of the
foyer, Paul joining us a moment later – completely oblivious to his
hyperventilating family and wanting to know what was next.</span></div>
</span>
</span><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: #222222; line-height: 115%;"><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The car, Paul. The car was next. </span></span></div>
</span><br />
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</span></div>
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<img height="297" 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" 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<!--[endif]--><span style="background: white;"><o:p></o:p></span></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-52257149002659083692014-10-26T10:04:00.000-07:002014-10-26T10:22:53.363-07:00Some of my disabilities may be self-inflicted<div style="text-align: center;">
<img height="400" src="https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSQvHpHrKJFTYbMNLZ3PdLr1iemNoSlunQKYKcyPc3K2Ui72MuSfw" width="336" /></div>
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We have been having some issues with one of the twins in the loo-department. The poor kid just hates to go, and will hold it so long that her innards will suddenly force their way out, resulting in us now shopping for children's underwear at Costco as the aftermath is a hazmat experience not worth trying to salvage.</div>
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We've tried everything. We read books with her about pooping. We made a big deal about how fun it was. We gave her laxatives (omg. Never, ever again. Ever.). So now we're on this kick of toilet-yoga and ensuring that the bathroom is a calm, relaxed place in which she can chill out and take her time.</div>
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So we told her to go into the loo, take her time and just relax in there - bring the iPad.</div>
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"Really? I can bring the iPad in there?"</div>
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"Sure you can. Just don't drop it in."</div>
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She was still a bit dubious, so we started 'modeling'. Apparently this is some sort of intentional parenting technique that trumps common sense (really?) in which you just do the things that you want your kids to do. Alriiiiiiight.... fine. Okay.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
So on a recent trip to the loo I was sure to announce loudly to the family that I was going to the loo, I was going to relax and take my time and I was going to bring the iPad with me, as weird as announcing that felt. It doesn't matter, I was intentionally <i>parenting.</i></div>
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I'm probably going to get a medal for this at some point, surely. </div>
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<img src="http://funnywebjokes.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/1-parenting.jpg?w=490" /></div>
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Now, I'm normally a stickler for what is in our bathroom. Bathrooms in Britain are very different from North American bathrooms - not all are like ours but this is the THIRD house we've lived in here with a bathroom that is divided like this.</div>
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One room houses the toilet, while another, much nicer room, holds the sink, bathtub, shower, cabinets, mirrors, shelves, window, etc. You know... a proper bathroom.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjODhLLxv8-tYoFtraWwbK5Far6asE_FHmYGVUZc0I3fMQ3hmkluoNhYcR6F4cx9IUi5XxROK8pu8Zo6UcRBkimajNCpPXQsdkhdK5XBGiBW13grcKkzfigyrmSq1I7hvKkQ7poo-pYeEg/s1600/wp_20141026_15_25_41_pro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjODhLLxv8-tYoFtraWwbK5Far6asE_FHmYGVUZc0I3fMQ3hmkluoNhYcR6F4cx9IUi5XxROK8pu8Zo6UcRBkimajNCpPXQsdkhdK5XBGiBW13grcKkzfigyrmSq1I7hvKkQ7poo-pYeEg/s1600/wp_20141026_15_25_41_pro.jpg" height="640" width="360" /></a></div>
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Forgive Lochie's expression, she was rather 'put off' by the last person that had used it when this picture was taken. But this is our bathroom.</div>
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As our 'toilet closet' is so ridiculously small I don't like having reading material left in there, because I would essentially need to be either resting my feet on it or holding it in my lap throughout what should be a quick experience. But, I'm 'modeling' for the twins, so brought the iPad in there with me. </div>
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Well, while I'm in here I may as well play a level in my game. And then another one. Maybe one more. Okay, this is definitely the <i>last one</i>.</div>
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By the time I'd realized how long I'd been in there and I put the iPad down and to the side, I also noticed that my legs felt a bit... funny. My feet were extremely cold and... an- and I couldn't feel them. Oh my God, no. No no no no no. My thighs were bright red and tingly, and I felt nothing at all from the waist down. </div>
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Oh no. No no no no no. I had dead leg in BOTH legs.</div>
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<img src="http://i.imgur.com/1v7xUCd.gif" height="320" width="320" /></div>
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This was NOT good. </div>
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Okay. Okay. I had to get up. I couldn't sit here forever, I had things to do and the only way to get rid of dead-leg was to move it around and walk it off, right? </div>
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I started massaging my legs. It didn't seem to matter as I still couldn't feel anything in them. I chastised myself, this was all probably just in my head. If I just <i>tell</i> my body to stand up it will, just as it has done countless times before. I'll just do that. </div>
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<img src="http://cdn1.smosh.com/sites/default/files/ftpuploads/bloguploads/0813/flexible-wtf-stand-up.gif" /></div>
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^^^That did not happen. The only thing that happened was this:<br />
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<img src="http://c0.thejournal.ie/media/2013/05/special-chair-gif.gif" /></div>
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Alright. Enough of this, I had to get out of there. I just needed to stand up, finish the task at hand and walk out of here like a normal person - no big deal. </div>
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I couldn't feel my feet but I planted them evenly on the floor. I gripped the wall on either side with my hands. I was going to just stand up using the wall for help. </div>
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The first attempt resulted in a small bang and crash as I stood for a second, then careened back toward the loo, missing it completely and tearing the toilet roll holder off the wall. </div>
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"Hun? Are you okay?" Came from downstairs. "I'm fine! Be right down!"</div>
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Okay- the situation was urgent now - I couldn't have him come up and find me like this. I just had to get out of here. </div>
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The second attempt was partially successful. I counted to three and then heaved myself up off the loo and forward, my knees locked tight and standing fully erect on what I as <i>hoping</i> were my feet flat on the floor. I could have broken one just then and I still wouldn't have felt a thing. I fell forward and supported my weight with my face mashed against the door - another bang and loud assurances that I was fine. At least I was able to finish up and pull up my pants - at the very least I was now fully dressed.</div>
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I pushed away from the door and sat back onto the toilet seat, staring at the door and wondering if I would ever again see the light of day. This was impossible, I had visions of crawling out of the loo like a crab -</div>
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<img src="http://i.imgur.com/Ldn3nkL.gif" /> </div>
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to lie in the hall, defeated and shamed until feeling was restored in m useless legs.</div>
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<img height="307" src="https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTB38qJiX_TS34iLQuV_oyPIBlfpPkiQQNDxx5_mWc7opD1kSY8AA" width="400" /></div>
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Okay. OKAY. ENOUGH. I had to get out of here! I opened the door of the teeny toilet room - picking up each dead-leg in turn with both hands to move them out of the way of the door. I was so close. I was dressed, the door was open. The hall was RIGHT THERE. I just had to stand up. I did some quick leg exercises, swinging my knees to try to get some blood flow going. This triggered pins and needles - tickling me to the point that I cried out and laughed like a hyena, cackling madly from within the toilet-room. More shouts of "Are you SURE you are okay?" and i could barely answer through my laughing tears, let alone the sound of my legs slamming against the floor and walls.</div>
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<img src="http://www.pleated-jeans.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/when-your-leg-falls-asleep.gif" height="314" width="320" /></div>
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OKAY. I was ready. I was limber. I was totally going to do this.</div>
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I was totally going to bust an ankle.</div>
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Alright, one more determined count to three, gripped the walls, feet flat on the floor (I think) and one and to and three and UP and I was standing! I was white-knuckling the door-frame with both hands and panting from the ordeal. But I was up! I was free! </div>
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And then I took a step forward into the hallway.</div>
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<img src="http://i.imgur.com/YQDbJDa.gif" height="400" width="371" /></div>
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Ah crap. this wasn't going to be over any time soon.</div>
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When I finally escaped the upstairs hallway and back to my family I had tears of determination and involuntary laughter pouring down my face as I approached them like this:<br />
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<img src="http://i.imgur.com/tSRWrgP.gif" height="240" width="400" /></div>
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I handed the twins back the iPad and said "See? No big deal!"</div>
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But after the wild commotion upstairs and my bathroom-emergence drunk-walk I don't think they believed me.</div>
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I may have actually made it worse.</div>
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Well, back to Costco.</div>
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<img src="http://www.funniestmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Funniest_Memes_i-just-need-a-few-groceries-from-costco_5150.jpeg" /></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-61695747218463938412014-10-25T11:07:00.000-07:002014-10-25T11:37:18.311-07:00You don't stop a Lung Function Test for ANYTHING... (apparently)<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">You don't stop a Lung Function Test for ANYTHING... (apparently)</span></div>
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<img src="http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxMi0xMTJlMTAwOTY5NDJmNDAx.png" /></div>
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I'm not a religious person, but even I'm kind of thinking I need to go to church to make up for this one.</div>
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I'd been booked at two hospitals on the same day, so was in my typical rush of get the kids to school, take the tube to Charing Cross Hospital, see my neurologist for Narcolepsy treatment (as you do), get back on the tube and rush to my office, go to an unnerving Chinese bank with no signage, receipts or cameras for an errand, then back on the tube to rush to Hammersmith hospital for a lung function test.</div>
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<img src="http://www.carefusion.com/Images/Respiratory/Pulmonary_Function_Testing/MasterScreenPFTpro-2.jpg" /></div>
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So it wasn't a huge surprise when I arrived late, panting and sweating at the outpatient reception like I'd just run there (I had. It's about a mile).</div>
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Being kind and compassionate, the lung function team 'squeezed me in', even though I would need to do my testing alongside the next patient. I wasn't bothered, and expressed my gratitude, climbing in to 'the box' to start the test - wondering how they planned to fit another patient in there with me.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQFhuzjkhVAlEgW8Brwg-_DCRuKgExBjiwKrWe3TBZ5xojIXu2yeiLTxAlOkUs8k2akk6jkzgub9yVE5ZK9YAajsJ6bBXSRZn3qnvxqBSan_Ve2cC7p39sPoffw8npr2xepk9LH6I_b1c/s1600/Lung+function+test.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQFhuzjkhVAlEgW8Brwg-_DCRuKgExBjiwKrWe3TBZ5xojIXu2yeiLTxAlOkUs8k2akk6jkzgub9yVE5ZK9YAajsJ6bBXSRZn3qnvxqBSan_Ve2cC7p39sPoffw8npr2xepk9LH6I_b1c/s1600/Lung+function+test.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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The test itself went fine, it just feels like you are continuously blowing up balloons, and then they cut off your air supply completely. Next time I'll just go with the <i>regular</i> balloons, thanks.</div>
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<img src="http://www.ohmagif.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/girl-baloon-burst.gif" /></div>
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I heard a bit of a dramatic commotion down the hall near the blood draw room, but didn't think too much of it. I could see the room from where I sat waiting for the second part of my test, and heard the lung function staff giggle and say that their '4:00 must be here, I can hear him now.'</div>
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Huh? </div>
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And then I saw the patient I would be doing the next part of my lung function test with - a large, muscular guy in a bright orange jumpsuit and handcuffs, chained to a prison guard on either side of him.</div>
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<img src="http://static.fjcdn.com/comments/5067720+_47d1c69280d3b8a703555e00cd9a0505.jpg" height="256" width="400" /></div>
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I do not know how or why these things always seem to involve me. I just don't. Okay, fine. I'm <i>sure</i> that he's a nice guy and this is somehow perfectly normal. </div>
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The guy had three sets of handcuffs on, kind of. I'd never seen it before. His hands were cuffed together in a mega-heavy-duty kind of handcuff that crossed his hands over top of each other - then a guard was cuffed to a link on each handcuff on either side. He was clearly not going to be escaping today.</div>
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<a href="http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/Motleycrew.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/Motleycrew.jpg" /></a></div>
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We were then both fitted with an oxygen and heart-rate monitor on our wrists and fingers, and tasked with walking quick laps from one end of the hallway to the other and back as many times as we could in a 5 minute time frame. Despite all of the weirdness, my competitive streak kicked in and I asked the coordinator what the hospital record was. They didn't have one, apparently (yeah right they didn't have one). It didn't matter, I was going to set one. </div>
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She held up her stopwatch and said 'GO!' and off we went, all four of us power walking down the hallway and completing an awkward group turn at the end of the hall, passing a large gap where ours met another hallway that opened up into a packed waiting room that to me felt a lot more like a viewing area.</div>
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I picked up speed, pulling so far ahead of the prison team that we were now passing each other in the middle at the viewing area gap, them marching ahead while I deftly sidestepped into the gap to get around them. This all felt a bit crowded as we also dodged nurses carrying pee samples to and from different rooms and doctors rushing from office to office. </div>
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I commented as much to the coordinator.</div>
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"This seems a bit dangerous, doesn't it?" I panted to her as I speed walked past, people in the waiting room staring as I darted through the gaps in the hall back and forth. "You can't see around the corners" I panted to her again as I side dodged the prisoner and his two guards for the upteenth time. "Has anyone ever plowed into -" <span style="font-size: large;">BOOM!!!</span></div>
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<img src="http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/hockey-crash-into-camera.gif" /></div>
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Old Man Down!<br />
<br />
I had <i>completely</i> crashed into an old man clutching a zimmer frame that had been coming around the corner.</div>
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<img src="http://s3.favim.com/orig/44/bad-black-and-white-childrens-family-guy-funny-Favim.com-374875.gif" /></div>
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Two nurses caught the elderly man as I tumbled into he wall, tangled in the walking frame. My legs were completely caught within the frame - it was one of those moments in life where there was just no saving it and it was better to let yourself fall - trying to save myself was just going to make it worse.</div>
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<img src="http://weknowgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/treadmill-gif.gif" /></div>
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Legs caught in the zimmer frame and going down hard, I flailed around like a mermaid, I plastered my hands and face against the wall and did a slow, inevitable slide diagonally down to the floor, where the frame and I clattered down in full view of the entire waiting room of people - where some got to their feet in alarm, not sure if they should help the old man or me... or to take video.</div>
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"KEEP GOING! YOU'RE NEARLY FINISHED!" barked the lung function tester wearing my backpack (she said she would so it wouldn't be stolen. Apparently they have a problem with that) and waving her stopwatch from down the hall.</div>
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<img src="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/b9/36/ce/b936ced9b7877a3e3095f5abdadfea95.jpg" height="400" width="371" /></div>
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What?!</div>
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I was so confused - the old man seemed okay (angry, but okay) and the prison team was about lap me. And I was NOT about to be lapped by a guy in an orange jumpsuit and handcuffed to two sweaty guards. On my hands and knees I untangled myself from the metal frame, kicking it off as it clanged against the walls and floor and I scrambled to my feet, getting back to my pace within the most bizarre hospital hallway race of all time.</div>
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<img src="http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Ostrich_ee4567_1909515.jpg" /></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
Bewildered, I continued my laps, making awkward eye-contact with the prisoner until one of his guards barked at him to 'keep his eyes on the hall'. The old man had made it safely into an office room and all evidence of the preceding mayhem was cleared - leaving me again wondering what in the <i>hell</i> had just happened.</div>
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<img src="http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m04czgxLn21qzlvmi.gif" /></div>
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By the time it all finished I was still in a slight state of shock - I honestly have no idea what my results were. I'm still breathing though, so I'm going to go with 'probably fine'. I'd gone home and not even thought about it for a few weeks until Paul opened up the mail in the kitchen the other day, handing me yet another hospital letter.</div>
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I've got to do it all again in another 6 months.</div>
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<img src="http://awesomelytechie.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Head-desk.gif" /></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07629040674848382915noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8630063904082171582.post-53437060732674275012014-10-22T13:43:00.002-07:002014-10-22T13:54:22.357-07:00PSA: Great for chronic pain - but for the love of God not on your neck!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTaF8sCLI6bJV3YOWe29ZxCODvtDrAE7GBYMROWJii3EQBExvC84EqAntsKQjlKXJn8ejZqyHkKAuUjRvf4_jcKg-7d1ucIYU6_Uo2f4fqQ3tY_9eLvFRzMjIx2sAu65NUMIfHRyCDp9M/s1600/white+flower+oil.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTaF8sCLI6bJV3YOWe29ZxCODvtDrAE7GBYMROWJii3EQBExvC84EqAntsKQjlKXJn8ejZqyHkKAuUjRvf4_jcKg-7d1ucIYU6_Uo2f4fqQ3tY_9eLvFRzMjIx2sAu65NUMIfHRyCDp9M/s1600/white+flower+oil.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></span></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Great for Chronic Pain, but for the love of God not on your neck!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Living in Britain as a Canadian that formerly lived in China (try to keep up now), I'm a big fan of Chinese medicine. With my 'super-lucky-rare-disease' I'm also a pretty big fan of Western medicine, which I fully credit for generally keeping me alive at the moment. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But that doesn't mean I'm always comfortable.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've got refractory multi-systemic and neuro sarcoiodosis with Heerfordt's syndrome. This includes the quite lovely effects of Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). With this comes the occasional bout of rather excruciating bone, muscle and joint pain - which can be barrels of fun, of course. I'll often pop some more painkillers but sometimes I want something different. Something to take care of the pain locally without having to stone myself out. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have the usual arsenal of a person with chronic illness: A hot water bottle, heating pad, heated blanket, magic bag, ice packs, cool bags and some sort of electro-magnetic device that is supposed to help somehow.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img height="400" src="https://df7j6gzuxe4qz.cloudfront.net/sites/dotcom.pleasetest.co.uk/files/22112_37x22cm.jpg" width="400" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And then there is Chinese medicine, my good old standby.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img src="http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/cc/cc1095fa02d424fc1122be69b551801f3953e94dc805f102b91c2693f2fa9fed.jpg" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Although hot cupping is a hoot and a half, my steroids and blood-thinners would probably result in a scene from CSI, so that's out. Acupuncture isn't something that I can (erm... should) just do at home on my couch - as a cactus is apparently "not an acceptable replacement for proper needles and training, even if you 'fall on it correctly'. "</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I've been turned on to White Flower Oil (similar to Red Flower Oil, but stronger and cheaper)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img src="http://www.chineseherbal.ca/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/White_Flower_Oil.jpg" height="400" width="393" /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Alright, now THAT is some strong smelling stuff! Like liquid Tiger Balm, you dab (note: DAB for God's sake!) some right where it is hurting over a joint and then you just chillax and let it work its magic. And it does. It goes through a soothing period of warmth, then a refreshing, deep cooling sensation - and then my joint pain is pretty much tamed. It is quite wonderful.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I'm an idiot, so I couldn't just leave it at that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Having bought some cheap, crappy Ikea pillows, my neck had been in quite a bit of pain for a couple of days. A recent flare up after bike riding on the weekend (I know, I know) had caused it to radiate down into my shoulder and arm - so I did the best thing I could think of and lathered my arm, elbow, shoulder and the back of my neck (my brainstem) in white flower oil, grabbed my shihtsu and went up to bed. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh my FREAKING GOD.<br /><br />My arm, elbow and shoulder felt fine. Just a bit warm and tingly. Quite pleasant. But not my neck. The back of my neck felt warm. Unusually warm. Kind of alarmingly warm. Hang on... this isn't supposed to be getting this hot</span></div>
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<img src="data:image/jpeg;base64,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" 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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I darted to the bathroom with thoughts of frying my brainstem running through my head - splashing cold water on the back of my neck in an awkward spinal twist. Here's the thing with white flower oil though - YOU CAN'T WASH IT OFF!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That shit STAYS ON and then you end up SPREADING IT. And it buuuuuurrrrrrnnnnssss!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay. Okay. At the very least I can cover it with cold wet towels to cool it down - the skin on the back of my neck was bright red and tingling like I'd snorted pop-rocks. I looked around for a facecloth, a towel - anything. Laundry day - there was nothing. I dashed around my bathroom looking for something to wet like a squirrel, twitching with the tingles from my brainstem with the paranoia of triggering another stroke. I had a sudden stroke of genius and was back in bed three minutes later, resting comfortably with soaking wet tube socks wrapped around my neck.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My arm felt wonderful, however.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At around 3am I woke up again, freezi</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">ng. Absolutely shuddering with the cold - yet the only thing cold was the back of my neck. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was shivering violently and my husband was nowhere to be found, because there was a game on that night.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was seriously freezing - what was WRONG with this stuff? (my arm didn't hurt though) Back to the bathroom to douse the back of my neck in another spinal twist position with warm water, and layering on warm, wet socks. It didn't work, the socks cooled too quickly to be effective, then just made me colder. I needed something warm, really warm. Consistently warm. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4-M5RzDZs8PFg9UTfCFW6QI0aOmVWxcW7gy9NpkQI4LDBTws2eRZyG-xwIhazgLWf4LqQKze7zKY78J5R-gzyOrs1e7Tl94W9cbp6s-BBRHC5FxGvP3aAohQIzufBFsT_gJxVq1sNTyE/s1600/dark+side.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4-M5RzDZs8PFg9UTfCFW6QI0aOmVWxcW7gy9NpkQI4LDBTws2eRZyG-xwIhazgLWf4LqQKze7zKY78J5R-gzyOrs1e7Tl94W9cbp6s-BBRHC5FxGvP3aAohQIzufBFsT_gJxVq1sNTyE/s1600/dark+side.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sorry Huar Huar, you're going to have to do! I wrangled my poor, 14 year old grumpy shihtsu up to the top of the bed and wrapped him around the back of my neck like some sort of growling travel pillow, relaxing us both into the soft pillows and pulling the blankets up to my chin.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sure I felt a little bit bad, but 'technically' it was cuddles, and he loves cuddles. But the best part? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He vibrates. Alllllll night long.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So in the end, I completely, wholeheartedly recommend that if you have chronic joint, bone or muscle pain that you try Chinese White Flower Oil - you can get it from pretty much any Chinese medical shop, it's cheap and effective. Also, maybe pick up a cheap shihtsu while you're at the Chinese shop too.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">But for the love of God and all that is holy in this world, do NOT put it on the back of your neck!</span></div>
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